Cheers, brain is funny , even when I read my post back it read like I thought I’d written it , it took a couple of reads
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Sign on the local knocking shop.
Beat it.....
Closed due to coronavirus.
Beat it.....
Closed due to coronavirus.
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
Ladies.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
When I was younger I decided I wanted to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters:
PNEIS
and for the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are Dr's today, while the rest of us...
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters:
PNEIS
and for the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are Dr's today, while the rest of us...
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
....................................are Politicians
Cellardweller
Player Valuation: £8m
BREAKING: Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England... It's a massive Boost for the economy!
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
When my Grandad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit
He‘s now 70 and no one knows where he is
He‘s now 70 and no one knows where he is
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
An Everton fan, a Liverpool fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.>
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Manchester United fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.
The Manchester United fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Everton fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Everton fan replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Liverpool fan to my back..."
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.>
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Manchester United fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.
The Manchester United fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Everton fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Everton fan replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Liverpool fan to my back..."
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are...
He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.
Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'F@@@ off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a f@@@@@@ Lancaster Bomber!!'
He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days.
Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'F@@@ off lad, I used to pick my load up in Liverpool, drop it off in Hamburg and make it back to Liverpool the same day!'
German man, gives a sarcastic laugh and replies 'Oh yeah old man, what rig were you driving?'
Old fella replies 'a f@@@@@@ Lancaster Bomber!!'
Milk
Udderly delicious
My mate came around the other night for a chat. He mentioned that he’d been married five years now and that the sex was getting boring as it was always the same old, same old.
“Ask her if you can use the other hole” I suggested
He said he was afraid to because he feared her reaction but I said that nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I met him yesterday and asked if he had put my suggestion to her.
“Yeah.” He said “but she wasn’t keen. Said we couldn’t afford to bring up kids yet”
“Ask her if you can use the other hole” I suggested
He said he was afraid to because he feared her reaction but I said that nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I met him yesterday and asked if he had put my suggestion to her.
“Yeah.” He said “but she wasn’t keen. Said we couldn’t afford to bring up kids yet”
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
Just been into the Pharmacy and asked the Lady, ‘do you have anything that kills Corona virus‘
she replied ‘ammonia cleaner’
I said, ’oh sorry, I thought you were the pharmacist’
she replied ‘ammonia cleaner’
I said, ’oh sorry, I thought you were the pharmacist’
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
My mate was telling me he failed his exam in Aboriginal music
I asked him, ‘didja redo it’
I asked him, ‘didja redo it’
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Must have been the same German lorry driver in the motorway service station who asked the old Scouse guy if he'd ever been to Germany. 'Only at night' he replied.
The Celtic View
Player Valuation: £15m
Old gag alert!
A man goes into a pub with his dog and orders a beer. He says to the barman, "I don't have any money, but I have a talking dog"
The barman says "Don't talk sheeyite" The man replies "I'm telling you, my dog can talk" So the barman says "OK, make it talk"
The guy says to his dog "What is the opposite of smooth?" and the dog goes "Ruff". The barman says "Fook off. That's not talking. You're at it"
The man says "OK. I'll try again" and says to the dog "Right, you're playing golf, and you slice your ball off the fairway, what does the ball land in?" and the dog goes "Ruff"
The barman says "Right, you're just making a fool of me now. If you don't stop, I'm going to knock fook out of you" The guy says "I'm telling you my dog can talk. Watch this "Who was in goal for Scotland in the 1978 World Cup finals?" and the dog goes "Ruff"
The barman says "Right, I warned you" and runs out from behind the bar, punches the guy, drags him out the door, and throws him down on the road.
The dog comes wandering out, looks at the man lying in the gutter covered in blood and says "What's wrong? was it Leighton?"
A man goes into a pub with his dog and orders a beer. He says to the barman, "I don't have any money, but I have a talking dog"
The barman says "Don't talk sheeyite" The man replies "I'm telling you, my dog can talk" So the barman says "OK, make it talk"
The guy says to his dog "What is the opposite of smooth?" and the dog goes "Ruff". The barman says "Fook off. That's not talking. You're at it"
The man says "OK. I'll try again" and says to the dog "Right, you're playing golf, and you slice your ball off the fairway, what does the ball land in?" and the dog goes "Ruff"
The barman says "Right, you're just making a fool of me now. If you don't stop, I'm going to knock fook out of you" The guy says "I'm telling you my dog can talk. Watch this "Who was in goal for Scotland in the 1978 World Cup finals?" and the dog goes "Ruff"
The barman says "Right, I warned you" and runs out from behind the bar, punches the guy, drags him out the door, and throws him down on the road.
The dog comes wandering out, looks at the man lying in the gutter covered in blood and says "What's wrong? was it Leighton?"