Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

Tags in @Methuselah to see how old that joke was when He first heard it

Can't remember that far back. lol

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Never again.
Just paid a carpenter money upfront to build me a double bed.
Hes done a bunk........

 

[AndyC]

 

[Seathestars]

Just been in a taxi there, I tapped the driver on the shoulder to say something.
He‘s got the fright of his life, swerved, just missed a bus and was inches from going through a shop window.

I said ‘kinhell mate, you’re jumpy aren’t you

He said ‘sorry mate, it’s my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a Hearse for the last 20 years’

 

[Groucho]

Had a patient this week. Said his poo was coming out like chippy chips.

Phoned his GP, he said to cut two inches off the bottom of his string vest.....

 

[deipnosophist]

Tags in @Methuselah to see how old that joke was when He first heard it

Methuselah was Noah's grandfather he died aged 969. In a certain sex club in london, a couple giving each other mutual simultaneous oral pleasure for 9 minutes, yell out 'Methuselah!!'

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

I've just been to the doctor to talk about my Sinead O'Connor obsession, and guess what he told me, guess what he told me?

 

[BNJ1878]

 

[anton66]

I've just been to the doctor to talk about my Sinead O'Connor obsession, and guess what he told me, guess what he told me?

What did he tell you?

 

[The binman chronicles]

What did he tell you?

I'd imagine something along the lines of "boy you better try to have fun
No matter what you do". But he's a fool.

 

[anton66]

I'd imagine something along the lines of "boy you better try to have fun
No matter what you do". But he's a fool.

Has he got anything to compare it with?

 

[larbert toffee]

Has he got anything to compare it with?

No but from Monday to Wednesday he could now eat his dinner in a fancy restaurant for 50% off.

 

[Caolam]

Follow Bob Servant on Twitter, funniest thing I have seem for a while.

 

[summerisle]

 

[deipnosophist]

The A.A. in A.A. Milne stood for Alan Alexander.
E M Forster was Edward Morgan
J M Barrie was James Matthew