Jokes Thread

[Professor Toffee]

Jesus goes into a B&B throws three nails on the reception desk and asks if he can be put up for the night

 

[Ihaters]

My friend drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted

 

[ItsOKImAPilot]

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It got stuck in a crack.

 

[ItsOKImAPilot]

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

 

[JammyP]

So Pat, before we give you a job on the building site, I need to be sure you know more than the basics.
- That's fine, go ahead.
So, for example, can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?
- Sure now, didn't Goethe write Faust, and Joyce wrote Ulysses ...

 

[silent bob]

What`s black and white and eats like a horse?


A zebra.

 

[bring the ghost on]

Q - who is the coolest person at the Hospital?
A - the ultra-sound guy

Q - who is the coolest person at the Hospital when the ultra-sound guy is off?
A - the hip-replacement guy

 

[davmaher]

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, everyone tells me I have really bad breath."
Doctor: "You should gargle with fresh horse manure 5 times a day."
Patient: "Will that cure it?"
Doctor: "No, but it will tone it down a bit."

 

[LouReedwalkonthewildside]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

[LostLegend]

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

 

[Matty_j1878]

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and Carry

 

[Bluekahunaburgers]

What's the difference between pink and purple?












Your grip

 

[Dylan]

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted" my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

 

[carlos21]

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted" my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Yo boss how are you today have been good.

 

[Dylan]

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: "It was just a bug honey."

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: "It sure had a big penis"

*Edited for removing 'naughty' word