Newspaper stories to make us laugh...

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deipnosophist said:
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Big fan of this one
 


AndyC said:
Allegedly taken from a November edition of the Rotherham Advertiser...

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurion’s helmet... It’s delicate, close up work.

Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my [Poor language removed] and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel.

The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone with The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a [Poor language removed] on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course."

"My partner Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“

He told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan, ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’.
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Just like the old saying fart and give us a clue
 
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2016/11/29/can-help-nasa-solve-space-poop-problem/

Help NASA solve its 'space poop' problem - and win $30,000
spacepoop-medium_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqcFbVwrldgDqLr44SrdFj-lbIOYSpxKA4lb3fHhekKw8.jpg

NASA astronaut Barry Wilmore operating outside the International Space Station in 2015 CREDIT: NASA
29 NOVEMBER 2016 • 1:55PM
NASA wants your help to solve a rather complicated issue affecting the comfort and safety of its astronauts.

That issue is (and keep a straight face please, we're all adults here and there's nothing remotely amusing about normal bodily functions) poo. Or 'poop', as NASA are calling it, because they're Americans.

"In space," the agency reminds us, "there are no toilets. While you may go about your life mostly unaffected by this, it is more of a challenge for our brave astronauts in their space suits.

"After all: when you gotta go, you gotta go. And sometimes you gotta go in a total vacuum."

Astronauts have previously relied on adult nappies while wearing their launch and entry suits - a temporary solution that is only good for around a day.


NASA is now sponsoring the "Space Poop Challenge," through which it is seeking the public's help to devise an "in-suit waste management system" for astronauts to use for up to 144 hours at a time.

There's a $30,000 prize up for grabs for whoever who comes up with a solution that NASA judges to be the "most promising for implementation and use on missions in the next three or four years."

Hero X website. Submissions must be made online before 11.59pm EST on December 20th, 2016.
 

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