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It’s like were in The State nightclub in 1995. We are a reasonably attractive and quite fit bird in a tight fitting Kumar dress on the dance floor by herself around one in the morning. Everyone knows we are up for grabs and there’s suitors stalking us around the perimeter of the dance floor. Every time we turn around we’ve got a different middle parted lad gyrating behind us trying to clamp on our arse but we’re not really into them for some reason or another. One has got acne up the left side of his face. Or herpes simplex perhaps? The next one reeks of jarg Joop from Turkey. The one after that seems sound but is wearing the woolliest pair of Joe Bloggs jeans with faded Flintstone patches ironed on. Time is ticking as Don’t Give Me Your Life by Alex Party is blaring all over the show. We could be going home alone here and that perfect suitor is proving harder to find in direct contrast to the optimism you had at eight of clock knocking back bottles of Hooch.
I will start this team against Chelsea on Sunday:
Formation 4-2-3-1
Howard
Coleman Jagielka Distin Baines
Gibson Fellaini
Mirallas Barkley Pienaar
Jelavic
Subs: Mucha, Hibbert, Heitinga, Oviedo, Naismith, Vellios, Anichebe.
Unavailable: Neville, Osman (all injured); Gueye (on loan).