You're not mate.
So many people who come on here have been on their arses too.
Nothing to be ashamed about at all x
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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues
- Thread starter Groucho
- Start date
You're not mate.
So many people who come on here have been on their arses too.
Nothing to be ashamed about at all x
We all have our dipstick moments. And the offer stands. I make rubbish tea but the coffee is OK. lol
Durham Toffee
Shameless Wool
Thank you for your kind words in those posts, mate. Hugely appreciated and really incredible to see people take the time to help out. My problems are nothing in comparison to some here, and I shouldn't be so negative. But it just overwhelmed me tonight and I needed to express it.
So thank you.
Everyone's problems are relative to them mate.
I suspect loads with problems lurk but don't post.
Posts like yours give others the bottle to post, so indirectly your helping people too, as is everyone who comes on here.
Armel
Player Valuation: £15m
Hi,
I'll precede this message with a disclaimer, which I also should have done with the previous one*sigh*. I honestly suck at message boards. I just want to help and so I tell things how I see them, but somehow this doesn't always translate well into paper. Also English is my fourth language so it loses some nuance. So please note nothing I write is meant in a negative tone. In case of doubt, interpret it in a positive manner. I wouldn't hurt a fly or willingly hurt people (sometimes I do it by accident; which I always dislike and very much regret). Thank you.
Some years ago some very painful stuff happened to me, which left me feeling a bit like you. It was like I lost a part of my heart. It was still there, but still it was away. Originally I just continued like nothing happened, this had strange effects though everything numbed out. But eventually no matter how hard I tried eventually the emotions caught up with me. As a result I had developed some strange form of OCD; some sort of anxiety disorder. To escape it all, I had started doing things which basically didn't allow me think about what I was feeling. Like constantly reading stuff on my mobile and such. This isn't very healthy of course, you lose the ability to just be. This is doing things without thinking. The mind never stops. Eventually I realized that this couldn't continue. I had to face the emotions, which I didn't much like at the time but hey.
I started with reading all the books of Haruki Murakami. That man really can describe loneliness, it's cruel but brilliant at the same time. I particularly recommend 'A wild Sheep Chase' and in your case maybe 'Men without women'. That made me feel like I was not alone; in those books you can find new levels of loneliness. Which puts it into perspective.
This didn't do the trick however, I started to have these panic attacks. And in case of anxiety the less you confront it; the worse it becomes. It's like an ink stain. There was a time even getting out of the house was very intimidating. In my case this translated into vomiting and sometimes derealisation (which is quite scary but funny at the same time). I couldn't really feel them coming, which made them all the more annoying. I told my GP (I think it is called in English), he arranged for me to visit a therapist the day after. I didn't like the therapist so the day after that day I went to the new therapist, who I liked. My GP also told me to see a psychiatrist for some medication to control the vomiting (two days after-busy week that week), I visited him but told him that I don't need his medication.
Anyhow the therapist, in the beginning it doesn't improve a lot. Certainly because I refused to talk about my predicament. But this was okay, he said that we could talk about other stuff if that made me feel better. After a few weeks, a month or two actually (while I already visited every week). I started talking a bit, afterwards it became and becomes better. Always better, sure sometimes you have a set-back but that also happens to 'normal' people, whatever that is. It has been over a year already and I still go there; just to talk about stuff. I see it this way, how more I talk about it there the less I have to talk about it to other people, and possibly annoy them. So now it's sort of like my weekly appointment. They also sort of teach you how to control your thoughts; because your thoughts cause the feelings. So control is quite handy. We're pretty well acquainted now, I even get pancakes. I also visit a Shiatsu masseuse weekly to help relieve the stress; you could also try that. Be careful though; you should make sure it's a medical massage; look it up beforehand. Don't walk in to whatever massage parlor, because some offer strange services which might come as a surprise. For example see this Dutch man (http://www.hln.be/regio/nieuws-uit-...in-tegen-handtastelijk-massagesalon-a2799228/) .
Now I'm as good as new. People can't spot the difference. Sometimes I still have the panic attacks, but I just tell people that I have a hernia in my esophagus. It is annoying from time to time though, but I figure if I tell the truth I would also have to tell how I started having them. Which I don't particularly enjoy.
All of this I've written to tell you that in my opinion you don't have to hide your emotions or such; this can cause problems. I was never one to really show emotions and it really hasn't done me any favors. I also think people respect a leading figure who shares a bit about himself, it makes you seem more human which in turn lets them relate to you more.
Another coping mechanism that works for me is seeing the positive side of everything. In your case; how I read it, you sort of hit rock bottom. It couldn't get any worse, so surely it is bound to get much better. Not immediately of course but surely over time. For starters, once the dust has settled (maybe in your case literally after your renovation), you could start to analyze where it has gone wrong in your relationship, learn from it and do better next time. This way you will still have your family, home and security.
I also see positives in your situation. I'm a lawyer. In no way am I knowledgeable in family law (especially English
; I do corporate and maritime law- things with people make me sad because it always involves negative emotions). However during my training (I'm 27 now) I had to do some family law cases. The things I saw there where horrible. In your case it seems that your divorce is going quite amicable, you are able to see your daughter 3 or 4 times a week. This is very good; messy divorces have a very bad impact on children. Amicable divorces not so much. So you could pat yourself on the back for this. It's actually quite funny, I'm a lawyer with anxiety problems. A bit like that Doc Martin fellow.It's all about doing the best possible thing in the situation that is presented to you; and how I'm reading it, you're doing that.
Oh and you still have a purpose. Family, home and security. It will come good, just with somebody else.
If you're feeling lonely in your home, maybe you could buy an animal. Then you'll always have something to come home to. I bought horses in my time of need. Very relaxing animals with a great sense of humor. They sort of remove stress. I wouldn't recommend getting them for in your home though; or you could be facing another renovation. Most are quite claustrophobic.
Just remember you're not alone. Even when you're lonely, lots of people feel the same. And some might even be in relationships and such.
Anyhow the best of luck to you, everything will be alright. Also please don't drink, it makes it worse afterwards. You could try making pies; I prefer Alsacienne pies (with apples but much better than normal apple pies). Guaranteed that your daughter and parents will love it; plus it's quite a lengthy job so it keeps your mind occupied and hence you feel less lonely.
Also all this talking about loneliness really tests my perseverance not to make a lame YNWA joke.
BiggyRat
Player Valuation: £35m
Your problems are EVERYTHING to you! Perspective is an aspect of recovery so use the strength of others facing their tasks by all means, but don't ever think we're in a pissing contest here. You deserve to be heard as much as anyone...and we're listening!
wbn61
Player Valuation: £8m
yes I can drink, just find it hard sometimes.
wbn61
Player Valuation: £8m
Thank you for sharing. it has given me some insight into how my son may be feeling. he is about the same age as you and due to an acrimonious separation from his wife has moved back in with us. only a small room but he says it's ok till he finds somewhere he can afford. he has his daughter staying over quite a bit but I feel awful them having just the small room and me having a bigger one but they won't hear of my talk of swapping. whilst at home he doesn't leave his room except to come down to make his meals. he does work and goes to the gym daily. now reading your post I really wonder if he is content and think I might try and have a chat with him.
hope you can settle your worries and know that people on here will be thinking of you. take care
Ashtonian
Banned on request
I have zero experience with this so if i start talking out of my arse about things then excuse my ignorance.
do you feel lonely because you are alone, or because you are letting any sadness overwhelm you? Are you truely alone or are you simply wallowing in your sadness? I choose that word specifically because things are tough right now for you and i really feel for you. but is that what it comes down to? that tells me it isn't permanent and in fact things will get better for you in the future. SO right now you will feel alone and rightly so. This will be your lowest ebb in life and there is nothing i can say or suggest to change that, but what i can tell you is keep your head up. Stay strong and think positive. There is absolutely no point in letting the sadness consume you because in the end no-one wins. You have a daughter right? So those 3-4 times a week are what you focus on. Spend the other days working on the house with your free time. Take your mind away from what is wrong and try to nake things right. The house is a microcosm of your mental state, you say it is not a home and unfinished and 'a hollow shell'. So the best advice i can give you is to fix that, make the house no longer unfinished but occupy yourself with that. Add that little bit of accomplishment into your life and spend your time that way. If you don't mind me saying, the house in the way you describe it basically is a burden which is weighing you down. what has happened has happened sure, but the house strikes me as something that you use as a weapon against yourself. So, finish it, work on it. One less thing off your mind.
as much as i would love to suggest going out and doing this and that, i don't think you need that right now. there isn't point in falsely filling voids in your life because that will just amplify the feelings you have which would be the opposite of what you need. You don't need anything false, you need people who do care about you right now. Your parents, your daughter, that is what is most important right now. use them, take advantage of that warm homely feeling. You aren't a burden to them, if they are half the parents that anyone is then they will love you going to them for comfort and support.
So yeah, probably most of this is ramble and nonsense so i am not going to claim to speak from experience. But i just think reading into what you put, it might be better to at least change things you can change rather than use them as a weapon against yourself if that makes sense?
Hi,
I'll precede this message with a disclaimer, which I also should have done with the previous one*sigh*. I honestly suck at message boards. I just want to help and so I tell things how I see them, but somehow this doesn't always translate well into paper. Also English is my fourth language so it loses some nuance. So please note nothing I write is meant in a negative tone. In case of doubt, interpret it in a positive manner. I wouldn't hurt a fly or willingly hurt people (sometimes I do it by accident; which I always dislike and very much regret). Thank you.
Some years ago some very painful stuff happened to me, which left me feeling a bit like you. It was like I lost a part of my heart. It was still there, but still it was away. Originally I just continued like nothing happened, this had strange effects though everything numbed out. But eventually no matter how hard I tried eventually the emotions caught up with me. As a result I had developed some strange form of OCD; some sort of anxiety disorder. To escape it all, I had started doing things which basically didn't allow me think about what I was feeling. Like constantly reading stuff on my mobile and such. This isn't very healthy of course, you lose the ability to just be. This is doing things without thinking. The mind never stops. Eventually I realized that this couldn't continue. I had to face the emotions, which I didn't much like at the time but hey.
I started with reading all the books of Haruki Murakami. That man really can describe loneliness, it's cruel but brilliant at the same time. I particularly recommend 'A wild Sheep Chase' and in your case maybe 'Men without women'. That made me feel like I was not alone; in those books you can find new levels of loneliness. Which puts it into perspective.
This didn't do the trick however, I started to have these panic attacks. And in case of anxiety the less you confront it; the worse it becomes. It's like an ink stain. There was a time even getting out of the house was very intimidating. In my case this translated into vomiting and sometimes derealisation (which is quite scary but funny at the same time). I couldn't really feel them coming, which made them all the more annoying. I told my GP (I think it is called in English), he arranged for me to visit a therapist the day after. I didn't like the therapist so the day after that day I went to the new therapist, who I liked. My GP also told me to see a psychiatrist for some medication to control the vomiting (two days after-busy week that week), I visited him but told him that I don't need his medication.
Anyhow the therapist, in the beginning it doesn't improve a lot. Certainly because I refused to talk about my predicament. But this was okay, he said that we could talk about other stuff if that made me feel better. After a few weeks, a month or two actually (while I already visited every week). I started talking a bit, afterwards it became and becomes better. Always better, sure sometimes you have a set-back but that also happens to 'normal' people, whatever that is. It has been over a year already and I still go there; just to talk about stuff. I see it this way, how more I talk about it there the less I have to talk about it to other people, and possibly annoy them. So now it's sort of like my weekly appointment. They also sort of teach you how to control your thoughts; because your thoughts cause the feelings. So control is quite handy. We're pretty well acquainted now, I even get pancakes. I also visit a Shiatsu masseuse weekly to help relieve the stress; you could also try that. Be careful though; you should make sure it's a medical massage; look it up beforehand. Don't walk in to whatever massage parlor, because some offer strange services which might come as a surprise. For example see this Dutch man (http://www.hln.be/regio/nieuws-uit-...in-tegen-handtastelijk-massagesalon-a2799228/) .
Now I'm as good as new. People can't spot the difference. Sometimes I still have the panic attacks, but I just tell people that I have a hernia in my esophagus. It is annoying from time to time though, but I figure if I tell the truth I would also have to tell how I started having them. Which I don't particularly enjoy.
All of this I've written to tell you that in my opinion you don't have to hide your emotions or such; this can cause problems. I was never one to really show emotions and it really hasn't done me any favors. I also think people respect a leading figure who shares a bit about himself, it makes you seem more human which in turn lets them relate to you more.
Another coping mechanism that works for me is seeing the positive side of everything. In your case; how I read it, you sort of hit rock bottom. It couldn't get any worse, so surely it is bound to get much better. Not immediately of course but surely over time. For starters, once the dust has settled (maybe in your case literally after your renovation), you could start to analyze where it has gone wrong in your relationship, learn from it and do better next time. This way you will still have your family, home and security.
I also see positives in your situation. I'm a lawyer. In no way am I knowledgeable in family law (especially English
It's all about doing the best possible thing in the situation that is presented to you; and how I'm reading it, you're doing that.
Oh and you still have a purpose. Family, home and security. It will come good, just with somebody else.
If you're feeling lonely in your home, maybe you could buy an animal. Then you'll always have something to come home to. I bought horses in my time of need. Very relaxing animals with a great sense of humor. They sort of remove stress. I wouldn't recommend getting them for in your home though; or you could be facing another renovation. Most are quite claustrophobic.
Just remember you're not alone. Even when you're lonely, lots of people feel the same. And some might even be in relationships and such.
Anyhow the best of luck to you, everything will be alright. Also please don't drink, it makes it worse afterwards. You could try making pies; I prefer Alsacienne pies (with apples but much better than normal apple pies). Guaranteed that your daughter and parents will love it; plus it's quite a lengthy job so it keeps your mind occupied and hence you feel less lonely.
Also all this talking about loneliness really tests my perseverance not to make a lame YNWA joke.
Great post and welcome mate.
Keep posting, as you've obviously got a lot to share.
Ps - your English is better than most on here
Would shorts be more tolerable?
wbn61
Player Valuation: £8m
need to b in the right mood for wee dram lol
hallamblue
Player Valuation: £40m
I've been a manager for 20 years, and sometimes it really gets me down. As I work in a city I'm unfamiliar with I don't have friends from school days, and I don't have friends from work due to being a manager. Unfortunately it's one of those quandaries, you want to progress and earn more money and that means you can't be too friendly with people at work. Don't know if you could join a club or society? I don't have time at the moment, as my wife works shifts so I tend to be looking after the kids when I'm not at work. However, going to night school or joining a tennis club, or choir, or anything like that could help. I'm a governor at a primary school and I find that worthwhile and interesting.
Regarding the divorce you have my heartfelt sympathy mate. We've been through some rough patches, but if we split up and I didn't see my kids every day I can't imagine how hard it would be.
Durham Toffee
Shameless Wool
Thanks mate. Give your son my best. I know exactly how it feels. Being preoccupied helped, but it also meant I avoided confronting these emotions and that's been the downfall I think.
Durham Toffee
Shameless Wool
Mate, I need to be stronger, so those words ring true. I have plenty to be thankful for and I ended up of using on the negatives because I never confronted them. So you've certainly got a point and I thank you for promoting me to explore that.
Certainly rings true.