Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Naisy'sCharitableLeanings]

Cheers mate.

I actually think I make myself not remember things to ramp up my anxiety even more.

I'll get like that at least once every two months and then I'll go around the vicious circle of thinking if someone has taken advantage of me being so drunk.

According to the frequent locations on my phone, I left the area at 05:44 and I've called a taxi at 06:01 and I was home by 06:22. That was the time my sister said I got in, too.

Mum, dad and sister have all said I said that I was going to do something with someone but then said that I'm going home instead. Which I have vague memories of. At the time of getting in, anything that happened would have been fresh in my memory.

They even said I didn't seem that drunk. I suppose the taxi driver let me in his taxi too, most of the time they just drive off if you look bladdered.

Sad thing is, the only way to lower anxiety is by exposing yourself to situations that make you anxious.

I hardly ever go to gay bars, so when I do go in them it is a huge issue for me.

You tried CBT mate? Seems like you've made certain 'rules' for yourself (usually subconsciously through upbringing, etc), and when these 'rules' are broken, that's when the negative feelings start and things can spiral. Some of the things you've said about your feelings towards your sexuality could be helped by CBT. Not an expert or practitioner, just a grateful recipient!

 

[Billy Dean]

Exactly mate, I already feel better and view it as a big step forward in my struggle with low-confidence. I just hope it doesn't become "a thing" you know? I already feel like an outsider a lot of the time in the place, the last thing I want is people talking about me behind my back over something so stupid, hopefully that won't happen.

Don't worry about that mate. Give yourself some credit for as you say making a big step forward which took guts. Don't let haters get you down. And anyway, who says they will talk behind your back.

 

[COYBL25]

I know mate.

As I've said, I'm going on holiday with my mates in a few weeks.

Obviously it's going to be drinking both day/night, but I'm going to lie on my rounds and just get cokes or shandy.

From the age of 17 drink has always brought out the worst in me.

Hangovers turbo charge my anxiety problems mate. I love ale, so I've had learn to " mask " my drinking to fit in with situations like going away with the lads.

The easiest trick is to make sure you get the first round in. If you're in a large group the rounds will get mixed up as people get drunk. As they get drunk, slow you're drinking down.

By doing this you can skip rounds as they'll forget that you've skipped a drink. Then when it's your turn to buy the round, get yourself a shandy or " short " which is actually just a soft drink.

I've been doing this for years now and no one notices. It's the only way I can manage the morning after, without feeling like I'm going to explode due to anxiety.

 

[EvertonRhys]

Cheers mate.

I wouldn't say I'm not a confident person, but that makes it worse for me on the gay scene.

You will know what it can be like. Most men in gay bars just want to sleep around and that is it, I'm not like that.

The gay scene terrifies me.

Any time the slightest thing happens with another man, I wake up feeling dirty and disgusted in myself.

Sorry for the delayed response mate. Feeling sorry for myself with flu.

I'd agree about the gay clubs, in that many do want to sleep around etc, but as already mentioned, that's pretty much the same with straight clubs, although possibly not so immediately apparent.

There are so many other places to meet people though. My circle of gay friends is small, but the ones I do have are the ones I've selected and feel comfortable with. I actually found Tinder and Gaydar really useful by being strict with my filters, making it clear I want friendship and chat first, and I've built from there. It's the taking it further that troubles me, but that's down to my own issues. Another great place as you're a football fan is an LGBT footy team. We've got Cardiff Dragons down my way and I'm 99% sure there's a Liverpool-based one if you're from around Merseyside? (Edit: here it is- https://sites.google.com/site/merseymarauders/)

Is it the fact that you've slept around after drinking that makes you feel dirty/ disgusted? If it's more personal issues that make you feel uncomfortable etc then I'd recommend asking your GP perhaps for Psychosexual therapy. It's incredibly useful for some people- doesn't make you feel uncomfortable but works through past experiences, employing CBT and relaxation techniques to make you feel more comfortable and certain. Also as mentioned CBT can help with making those irrational thoughts more logical.

Honestly feel free to PM me/ add me as just extending your friendship group is such a massive support when dealing with this as it evidently sounds as if you're talking your own mind in catastrophising things. Share your problems with people you feel you can- and if there aren't enough people you feel you can do that with, try just finding one or two out there. You'd be really surprised with how many others are going through really similar troubles. Again, there if you need a chat bud

 

[EFCPaul]

Don't worry about that mate. Give yourself some credit for as you say making a big step forward which took guts. Don't let haters get you down. And anyway, who says they will talk behind your back.

I'm going to be honest mate, I'm sort of bricking it about being in with her on Wednesday, I've got no idea what to expect. The way she just walked off without saying anything, it's been playing on my mind ever since. I hope she doesn't act off with me because that's a headache I don't need.

Like I've said I'm not that bothered she refused my offer, they'll be other opportunities with other girls surely and next time I'll feel more at ease. It's more the possible awkwardness now, it's the last thing I can be arsed with. It's the risk you take asking someone out I know but Christ I have enough on my mind already.

 

[Billy Dean]

I'm going to be honest mate, I'm sort of bricking it about being in with her on Wednesday, I've got no idea what to expect. The way she just walked off without saying anything, it's been playing on my mind ever since. I hope she doesn't act off with me because that's a headache I don't need.

Like I've said I'm not that bothered she refused my offer, they'll be other opportunities with other girls surely and next time I'll feel more at ease. It's more the possible awkwardness now, it's the last thing I can be arsed with. It's the risk you take asking someone out I know but Christ I have enough on my mind already.

Sorry to hear that mate, hope it's not too bad. That's happened to me a couple of times. Both times awkwardness died down pretty quickly and they started being friends again. These things tend to be forgotten quite quickly.

 

[GwladysBlue]

Sorry for the delayed response mate. Feeling sorry for myself with flu.

I'd agree about the gay clubs, in that many do want to sleep around etc, but as already mentioned, that's pretty much the same with straight clubs, although possibly not so immediately apparent.

There are so many other places to meet people though. My circle of gay friends is small, but the ones I do have are the ones I've selected and feel comfortable with. I actually found Tinder and Gaydar really useful by being strict with my filters, making it clear I want friendship and chat first, and I've built from there. It's the taking it further that troubles me, but that's down to my own issues. Another great place as you're a football fan is an LGBT footy team. We've got Cardiff Dragons down my way and I'm 99% sure there's a Liverpool-based one if you're from around Merseyside? (Edit: here it is- https://sites.google.com/site/merseymarauders/)

Is it the fact that you've slept around after drinking that makes you feel dirty/ disgusted? If it's more personal issues that make you feel uncomfortable etc then I'd recommend asking your GP perhaps for Psychosexual therapy. It's incredibly useful for some people- doesn't make you feel uncomfortable but works through past experiences, employing CBT and relaxation techniques to make you feel more comfortable and certain. Also as mentioned CBT can help with making those irrational thoughts more logical.

Honestly feel free to PM me/ add me as just extending your friendship group is such a massive support when dealing with this as it evidently sounds as if you're talking your own mind in catastrophising things. Share your problems with people you feel you can- and if there aren't enough people you feel you can do that with, try just finding one or two out there. You'd be really surprised with how many others are going through really similar troubles. Again, there if you need a chat bud

Thanks mate.

I don't sleep around, not with men anyway.

I've only ever slept with two men, but both times it hasn't gone good.

First time the lad just stopped texting after it happened and the second one was with my best mate (he isn't out to anyone) and it has destroyed our 12 year friendship.

If I even have the slightest memory of a gay man speaking/touching me when I'm on a night out, it sends me into meltdown.

I've never thought about that psychosexual therapy before. Just had a brief read about it and it definitely looks like it could be useful

 

[hallamblue]

I'm going to be honest mate, I'm sort of bricking it about being in with her on Wednesday, I've got no idea what to expect. The way she just walked off without saying anything, it's been playing on my mind ever since. I hope she doesn't act off with me because that's a headache I don't need.

Like I've said I'm not that bothered she refused my offer, they'll be other opportunities with other girls surely and next time I'll feel more at ease. It's more the possible awkwardness now, it's the last thing I can be arsed with. It's the risk you take asking someone out I know but Christ I have enough on my mind already.

You got on well as friends, then you asked her out. You haven't done anything wrong. She might feel a bit weird at first, but if you carry on treating her as a friend she will come round. If she didn't see you as "boyfriend material" it's probably just surprised her that you saw her as "girlfriend material".

 

[Groucho]

Today has been a very eventful day haha.

Worked this morning and ended up being placed with the girl I like for most of my shift, working within a foot of each other and spending a long time talking and laughing. Tried numerous times to ask her out but things genuinely kept getting in the way (customers, other members of staff lurking, orders to be done, etc). Waited ages to get her alone and find the right moment.

Finally got the chance not long before we both finished and got the conversation towards plans for the week ahead. I asked her to come for a sheesha with me during the week (we both like it but go different places). She'd been telling me how she was going to be snowed down with university work and had no other plans all week other than trying to get her friend to do something with her tomorrow. I took the plunge hoping it would perk up having someone want to make plans with her but her exact response was;

"You know what Paul I would, but I have uni work to do."

That was it, she said nothing else and then went very quiet on her phone for a few minutes, clearly her mood had changed. When more customers came in not long after after that she just walked out with a goodbye or anything, it was all very weird.

I feel totally fine, I wasn't overly downhearted or anything and because I headed straight onto Goodison I quickly went back to feeling great because of the result. It's her reaction that's confused me though, not her refusal. I hope I haven't upset or angered her because that wasn't the intention at all. If she's not interested then fine, I just wanted to know so I can get it off my mind and now I do because if she wants to make plans with a friend but not with me that tells me everything really.

Spoke to my sis who says her arse has probably went because she was so taken aback, I can see her point to be honest. I'm in again with her on Wednesday and feel a bit unsure what to do now? Do I mention it to her and say if I unsettled her then I'm sorry or should I just act normal and leave it in her court? I'd honestly she'd rather have just given me a flat no than the answer and reaction she gave me, least then I'd know exactly where we stood.

Sounds like you were perfectly normal to me there mate.

If she's been taken aback then that's not you're fault, that probably says more about her own confidence.

 

[EFCPaul]

Sounds like you were perfectly Norma to me there mate.

If she's been taken aback then that's not you're fault, that probably says more about her own confidence.

Yeah mate I think you're right, my sister too in what she's said. My forwardness (which is rare for me, trust me on that) has probably caused her head to go west. Perhaps she hasn't been asked out in a while or may even be already seeing someone and just didn't know how to respond to me. I'm in with her tomorrow, hopefully she's alright about it and it's not awkward. More I've thought about it though the more I've come to agree that I've done nothing wrong or abnormal so I should just act like myself and not expect any negative reprisals.

 

[EFCPaul]

Today wasn't good. No specific thing happened, me and the girl barely spoke apart from the odd acknowledgement when I walked past her in reception. As the day wore on though I could feel my mood really going down, to the point that I was getting myself noticeably angry and worked up.

Her and several colleagues spent their breaks together and I kept having thoughts that it's a me vs them scenario with the other people in there. At one point about 5 co-workers were stood having a chat and as soon as they saw me coming around the corner they scattered. It may have just been the natural end to the conversation but I couldn't help but feel it was BECAUSE of me. My paranoia is getting out of control, i've had a good few days but then have one like this seemingly over nothing. I've really had enough of this BS.

 

[COYBL25]

Today wasn't good. No specific thing happened, me and the girl barely spoke apart from the odd acknowledgement when I walked past her in reception. As the day wore on though I could feel my mood really going down, to the point that I was getting myself noticeably angry and worked up.

Her and several colleagues spent their breaks together and I kept having thoughts that it's a me vs them scenario with the other people in there. At one point about 5 co-workers were stood having a chat and as soon as they saw me coming around the corner they scattered. It may have just been the natural end to the conversation but I couldn't help but feel it was BECAUSE of me. My paranoia is getting out of control, i've had a good few days but then have one like this seemingly over nothing. I've really had enough of this BS.

You're always going to have good days and bad days mate.

I know it's easy for me to say, but just try to think that the last few days have been good and today was a blip.

Get through today, don't dwell on it, maybe go too the gym and get it out of your system and ready for tomorrow x

 

[hallamblue]

Today wasn't good. No specific thing happened, me and the girl barely spoke apart from the odd acknowledgement when I walked past her in reception. As the day wore on though I could feel my mood really going down, to the point that I was getting myself noticeably angry and worked up.

Her and several colleagues spent their breaks together and I kept having thoughts that it's a me vs them scenario with the other people in there. At one point about 5 co-workers were stood having a chat and as soon as they saw me coming around the corner they scattered. It may have just been the natural end to the conversation but I couldn't help but feel it was BECAUSE of me. My paranoia is getting out of control, i've had a good few days but then have one like this seemingly over nothing. I've really had enough of this BS.

You're not abnormal mate. People who aren't the life and soul are often like this. I'm going to a meeting of a National Association of Similar work places tomorrow. I know everyone there, but a lot of them hug when they meet, and I don't do that. There will be times during lunch and dinner where I feel left out, because I'm not the type to relax and be the centre of attention. I get on well with some of them, but sometime I feel awkward around them. But that's ok, that's my personality. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Some people will relate to you and find you good company, and some won't, but you can't change your personality and nor should you have to.

 

[EFCPaul]

You're not abnormal mate. People who aren't the life and soul are often like this. I'm going to a meeting of a National Association of Similar work places tomorrow. I know everyone there, but a lot of them hug when they meet, and I don't do that. There will be times during lunch and dinner where I feel left out, because I'm not the type to relax and be the centre of attention. I get on well with some of them, but sometime I feel awkward around them. But that's ok, that's my personality. You have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Some people will relate to you and find you good company, and some won't, but you can't change your personality and nor should you have to.

Yeah mate you're right, it all just leads back to the feelings of loneliness in there and my frustration at it. I know I sound like a broken record with this stuff but really is the core of my current problems, just feeling like I'm on my own all the time even if other people are around. They all have their own circles but I'm not part of any because it's not really who I am as a person, plus I've never felt like there was any attempt to welcome me into one anyway. They all eat their breaks sat together and often leave without a word whereas I just normally eat alone even though I'd like to be asked to join (which I never am). It's actually quite rude in my opinion, people not considering another person's feelings at all. Being sensitive I guess can be an advantage, it means I can be more sensitive to others when some people clearly aren't.

There are people in there I do get on with like, particularly a few older gents who all have their heads screwed on. If I chat to anyone it's normally them but I honestly crave more interaction with people my own age to get me through the boredom of the day. The others who are in their 20s though, it feels like they don't bother. It gets me down and annoyed at the same time and I let it affect my mental state throughout the day, so much so that it probably translates in my body language and causes people to steer clear even more.

I don't know how the situation will work out, I just don't want it to carry on as it is otherwise I'll have to look for something else. I can't go to work almost everyday with a chip on my shoulder or feeling ostracised.

 

[Billy Dean]

Yeah mate you're right, it all just leads back to the feelings of loneliness in there and my frustration at it. I know I sound like a broken record with this stuff but really is the core of my current problems, just feeling like I'm on my own all the time even if other people are around. They all have their own circles but I'm not part of any because it's not really who I am as a person, plus I've never felt like there was any attempt to welcome me into one anyway. They all eat their breaks sat together and often leave without a word whereas I just normally eat alone even though I'd like to be asked to join (which I never am). It's actually quite rude in my opinion, people not considering another person's feelings at all. Being sensitive I guess can be an advantage, it means I can be more sensitive to others when some people clearly aren't.

There are people in there I do get on with like, particularly a few older gents who all have their heads screwed on. If I chat to anyone it's normally them but I honestly crave more interaction with people my own age to get me through the boredom of the day. The others who are in their 20s though, it feels like they don't bother. It gets me down and annoyed at the same time and I let it affect my mental state throughout the day, so much so that it probably translates in my body language and causes people to steer clear even more.

I don't know how the situation will work out, I just don't want it to carry on as it is otherwise I'll have to look for something else. I can't go to work almost everyday with a chip on my shoulder or feeling ostracised.

How long have you worked there mate? When you say you're not in any circles because that's not who you are as a person, do you mean you don't feel you have anything in common with them?

I sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to make friends with them. How is your social life outside of work?