Install the app
How to install the app on iOS

Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.

Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.

 

Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

Hi everyone, been a little while since I last posted so I just thought I'd offer an update.

Just been on a lad's holiday with my best mate to Amsterdam and boy oh boy did we have a ball, by far the best holiday/trip I've ever been on. We ate and explored and ate some more during the days, got absolutely rotten out of our skulls in the nights. It was exactly what I needed, I got away from my troubles and was able to just feel fully relaxed and settled and just concentrated having as much fun as we possibly could. I only wish it could have lasted a little longer. Now I'm back and getting ready to go back to work on Monday. I've been in a better mood since and I can feel in myself that my confidence has definitely come up, I'm just hoping it lasts now because if it does then my days will be a lot easier to get through.

I've also been debating about whether or not to ask out another girl in work, a newer girl who seems very down to Earth and not part of the gang I dislike, she's been liking a lot of the random stuff I post on facebook and we have nice exchanges when we see other. I like her and think she could be a good laugh to go out with, just a couple of things on my mind which are causing me to doubt whether or not it's a sensible idea to go there. Here they are;
  • Part of me thinks that it would just be very unwise to try and mix my work and personal lives with my chronic mood problems, it could lead to absolute disaster. I already cause myself enough grief over stupid stuff in the place.
  • I've already asked out another girl who works there a few months ago and I'm not sure how well-known it is amongst co-workers. I don't want to look like an idiot who is just after any girl who gives me the time of day.
  • She's a young, single mum with a toddler. A few close friends I've mentioned it too think it's a terrible idea for a young lad like me to want to get involved with a girl who has a young kid. If we started seeing each other and she wanted me to meet her child, hand on heart I honestly have no clue how I'd react to a situation like that.
Overall I'm doing better, at least for now. Hopefully it stays that way and things if anything only continue to go upward, not down. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

To anyone feeling troubled or really restless remember that I'm always here to talk with. :)
 
Ashtonian said:
Didn't get another interview.

Again the reasons full of crap, I came across as too hands on rather than more liason despite selling myself as someone who is involved with change and driving new things for both company and department. In fact I probably gave an interview like someone high up and still couldn't get one of the jobs.

I just feel like giving up. I hate where I am and clearly aren't getting a job anywhere else. There is no one to help me and I'm sick of getting ready for interviews only to fail them for superficial reasons over and over again. I can't leave the company I'm at for another 18 months but I hate where I am. It's just crushing every rejection now.

And the worst of it is thst if I just got told I didn't interview well enough or wasn't as good as the others I'd be fine with that.
Click to expand...
Mate. Mark this post, in 12 months you'll be in a better role. A healthier position and happier. I promise.
 
PaulieMc said:
Hi everyone, been a little while since I last posted so I just thought I'd offer an update.

Just been on a lad's holiday with my best mate to Amsterdam and boy oh boy did we have a ball, by far the best holiday/trip I've ever been on. We ate and explored and ate some more during the days, got absolutely rotten out of our skulls in the nights. It was exactly what I needed, I got away from my troubles and was able to just feel fully relaxed and settled and just concentrated having as much fun as we possibly could. I only wish it could have lasted a little longer. Now I'm back and getting ready to go back to work on Monday. I've been in a better mood since and I can feel in myself that my confidence has definitely come up, I'm just hoping it lasts now because if it does then my days will be a lot easier to get through.

I've also been debating about whether or not to ask out another girl in work, a newer girl who seems very down to Earth and not part of the gang I dislike, she's been liking a lot of the random stuff I post on facebook and we have nice exchanges when we see other. I like her and think she could be a good laugh to go out with, just a couple of things on my mind which are causing me to doubt whether or not it's a sensible idea to go there. Here they are;
  • Part of me thinks that it would just be very unwise to try and mix my work and personal lives with my chronic mood problems, it could lead to absolute disaster. I already cause myself enough grief over stupid stuff in the place.
  • I've already asked out another girl who works there a few months ago and I'm not sure how well-known it is amongst co-workers. I don't want to look like an idiot who is just after any girl who gives me the time of day.
  • She's a young, single mum with a toddler. A few close friends I've mentioned it too think it's a terrible idea for a young lad like me to want to get involved with a girl who has a young kid. If we started seeing each other and she wanted me to meet her child, hand on heart I honestly have no clue how I'd react to a situation like that.
Overall I'm doing better, at least for now. Hopefully it stays that way and things if anything only continue to go upward, not down. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

To anyone feeling troubled or really restless remember that I'm always here to talk with. :)
Click to expand...
Nice post mate. Welcome back ;)
 

Ashtonian said:
Didn't get another interview.

Again the reasons full of crap, I came across as too hands on rather than more liason despite selling myself as someone who is involved with change and driving new things for both company and department. In fact I probably gave an interview like someone high up and still couldn't get one of the jobs.

I just feel like giving up. I hate where I am and clearly aren't getting a job anywhere else. There is no one to help me and I'm sick of getting ready for interviews only to fail them for superficial reasons over and over again. I can't leave the company I'm at for another 18 months but I hate where I am. It's just crushing every rejection now.

And the worst of it is thst if I just got told I didn't interview well enough or wasn't as good as the others I'd be fine with that.
Click to expand...
Mate, though the outcome wasn't right for you, don't take it personally. At the end if it all, an interview means you're eminently qualified for the post, but the suit opposite you doesn't fancy you as a match to their own personality. This doesn't mean that your personality is in any way at fault. Just as easily it can be theirs, or a simple difference in values.
I love seeing your posts and adventures on here. You have a lot of skills and intelligence to offer, you simply need to offer it to fertile soil.
 
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
 
evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...



Thanks for sharing that with us, glad you're feeling so much better now, your story will certainly resonate with others who have been in a similar position.

Regarding your girlfriend, just take it slowly, don't jump in straight away build up the relationship and if things really click and she's the one for you then you will sense when it is the right time to tell her everything and I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty which sits above so much else in a relationship.

You could even sit her down when you feel the time is right and show her exactly what you have typed here this morning as you have explained your situation very honestly and eloquently and probably spent a while deliberating over each line, putting down your exact feelings and explaining yourself and I'm sure it has been theraputic for you in doing so.

Best of luck for the future and I hope you continue to climb out of the trough that you found yourself in.
 

evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Glad things are looking up for you, and well done losing that utter nightmare.
If your new gf asks about the scar, just say it was something you did when you were young and green and didn't know how to choose a good partner for a relationship. Be confident when you say this to her, and tell her how you're so much better and more mature at choosing a wonderful girlfiend these days.
 
@Ashtonian apologies for being a bit slow, and I don't know your sector so am not sure if it's relevant, but have you thought of joining your trade body? They could be useful in your situation as, a) they usually offer mentoring type opportunities that are outside of your employer, and b) they usually offer a range of events so you can meet people who can give you different perspectives on things.
 
evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

Q) How do you explain it?
A1) You don't have to - fully...or at all really. If she asks just say you lived with her and she turned into bit of an A.H. - well shut of her, you're much better. etc etc
If the roles were reversed and you were the Woman, there'd by women's abuse groups all over this like a rash - and quite right too.

You show the other rarer(?) side of the coin...again with the role reversal - the traditional remedy was to go home to mother...was there a bit of macho pride involved, never mind if there was, we're all much the same. The big thing is you got out. So it's onwards and upwards.

A2) As time goes on you can drip feed in any details as you feel you can - If, by some remote chance, she doesn't ask, well least said soonest mended.
Oh and buy that car park guy a beer, just on the off chance he did save your life...and if you see a 'you Mk II' down the track - offer him a lift, he may appreciate it.
 
Job interview tmrw. First one in 4 years so very nervous but hopeful.
Been off work for last week due to stress mainly down to new boss and grief really starting to effect me nearly 4 months after mothers death. Due back to work next Monday so fingers crossed interview goes well. Even if I don't get a job it will give me a boast to know I can get the fresh start needed. Job I'm in is poisonous and only getting worse.
Let u know how it goes
 
evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Wow. So much respect to you for sharing your story. I'm so glad things worked out for you.

Shows that domestic violence isn't just perpetrated by men, and that emotional abuse is every bit as dangerous and hurtful as physical abuse.
 

Welcome

Join Grand Old Team to get involved in the Everton discussion. Signing up is quick, easy, and completely free.

Register
Back
Top