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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

Mate,

If you're right for each other AND this is the right time for you both, she will not only understand but will be happy to slow things down a little.

That being said, don't be afraid to enjoy this for what it is, which is a nice, new and exciting relationship with someone who isn't a psycho. It either lasts or it doesn't but you can still enjoy it even if it's not on the cards for the next 60 years.

Best of luck
 
granter79 said:
Job interview tmrw. First one in 4 years so very nervous but hopeful.
Been off work for last week due to stress mainly down to new boss and grief really starting to effect me nearly 4 months after mothers death. Due back to work next Monday so fingers crossed interview goes well. Even if I don't get a job it will give me a boast to know I can get the fresh start needed. Job I'm in is poisonous and only getting worse.
Let u know how it goes
Click to expand...

Hope the interview went well today :)
 

evertonian556 said:
This ended up being really long. But please, spare 5 minutes. Read my story.

I'll try to stick to the important points but I have to go back a few years. I had just graduated university and got a job. I had about a 90 minute commute from my parent's house to work...so living there didn't last long. I found a relatively cheap flat closer to work and made the move.

My girlfriend at the time was fuming. She felt like I was leaving her, abandoning her...even though I was moving less than an hour away. Eventually when the anger wore off she started spending more and more time at my place. More and more of her things were left, and eventually it was "doesn't it just make sense to live together??" I caved. I wasn't ready to..but I caved. We had only been dating for a year but she convinced me. I think back to that moment almost every day and wonder how much better my life could be if I just said no.

We ended up living together for 2 years. In the beginning things were alright. Then she started bringing home pets without asking me..started expecting me to do her laundry, pick up after her. My friends were out having fun. I was 22 years old and scooping cat s**t. I was paying all the rent. I was being totally taken advantage of but I was too weak to stick up for myself. My two best friends moved in with each other in a different part of the state. I felt alone...but I had her. And the thought I had daily was 'just stick with her, because that's all you have'

Things kept getting worse. I would get woken up by being screamed at. By being jumped on. On one occasion, by being punched. "Where's my laundry??" and all sorts of stuff like that. I couldn't sleep in my own apartment. During this time I still had things going for me..I was doing well at work and got into graduate school. But I still knew my living situation was deteriorating and I knew I was too weak to fix it. That sounds really pathetic but it was a scary time - leaving university and going out into the world on my own. I was going to cling to her no matter what. There were always apologies. There were always smiles afterwards. But the next day was always the same as the one before. I was depressed. (Didn't help that also during this time, Everton were absolutely dreadful)

After about 18 of the 24 months we lived together, I got a new job. I had done well at work but the only spot they had for me was across the country and I couldn't do that. There was a small salary bump with my new job but my commute was back up to 2 hours. 1 hour driving, 1 hour on the train..each way. You can imagine how that went over. "You shouldn't do that! You can't do that! Just quit and find something else!" I took the job anyway. I left my friends from my last job behind and I felt even more alone.

There were more fights. Every step of the way, I knew what was happening, but I put up with it. I stuck with it. I knew I had to get out, but I couldn't. I had graduate level coursework, 4 hours of daily travel, and a new job to get up to speed with. I was sleep deprived. I was depressed. I was living with an abusive girlfriend. But I had this notion that I was loved and that she was all I had. So I stuck with it.

I don't like admitting that I did this but one day I felt like I had a reason to. I looked at her phone.
I found texts to her friend talking about the awesome sex she had the night before with some guy. If this has ever happened to you, you know how absolutely awful it is. I felt like I was hit by a truck. I confronted her. She turned it around on me - that it was my fault and that I was so pathetic....etc. etc.

Amazingly, I didn't kick her out. We fell asleep that night in the same bed. I thought it was easier to find a way to cope than to be alone. She almost made me take myself out but she told me I deserved it. I couldn't believe the one person who was meant to be there for me through it all had just done what she did.

We lived together for 2 weeks after that happened. For a 3-5 day period, I had serious thoughts about ending it. I'd feel the adrenaline rush when I was waiting for the train, I'd take a step towards it, but stop...and when it passed by I felt like it was hitting me. One day my colleague saw me walk past my car and head towards a tall tower on the edge of the car park and asked if I needed a ride. I don't know if he saved me that day. He might have.

In that 3 day window, I did something I never did before and something I'll never do again. I left myself 4 shallow, but visible, scars on my left arm. Again, if you've ever been there, you know how terrible it is. You're so hurt emotionally that you have to express it physically. But of course, it only makes things worse.

Eventually I saved myself. I moved out about 6 months ago. I now live literally next door to work. I'm exercising, I'm playing football, I'm cheering on the mighty blues every weekend. Work is going well. I still have some tough days... but we all do. The sun has come out.

And I've found someone new.

I realize that it sounds like I'm not ready for a relationship again. I realize that it hasn't been very long. I realize that to all of you reading, it sounds like I need more time to work on myself. But this girl is perfect for me. She runs, like I do, she does the same job that I do, and she's as passionate about football as I am. This is an American girl living in the USA (I'm also American) who KNOWS who Everton are. We've hung out for about a month now, and although we're taking it slow (she knows I just got out of a relationship but not the details), we've started making out and saying "I miss you" and things like that. It feels real. I know I should wait longer (should I?) but this feels like a girl I can't pass up. I don't want to wait just to wait...and have her get away.

I was in a very dark place not that long ago. But I feel like when I moved out and left my ex behind, everything became ok again. My ex and I don't talk anymore and I'm totally over her.

What's my next move with this new girl? How much does she need to know? When does she need to know it? She, like others, will see my scars soon when the weather gets nicer. I'm putting medication on them but results aren't guaranteed. How do I explain them to someone without scaring them away? I am a nice, normal person who let a terrible situation beat them temporarily. But I overcame it in the end. What do I do now?

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

Hi mate, first things first, a truly amazing post.

You've showed amazing strength to break free from your ex girlfriend. She is never ever going to change and will treat every partner she is with the same way as she treated you. I suspect somewhere in her past she has been damaged emotionally, as that behaviour is not normal under any circumstances.

Secondly an ex girlfriend of mine when I was in my twenties used to self harm. Initially it wasn't apparent, as I never noticed the cuts on her inner thighs, as they were very fine and she always insisted the light being off during sex. It was only when she got up early one day to go work, that I saw them when she got out of bed.

I was more concerned than shocked tbh and kept quiet for a while, as I didn't really know how to approach it with her.
One night I told her that I'd seen them and simply told her that she could talk to me without fear of any form of judgement.
To cut a long story very short, she'd suffered sexual abuse by a very close family member as a child and had been self harming for years as it helped her cope with the memory of what happened. She was fearful that I would see them, judge her and leave. I didn't and continued to support her during the duration of the realationship. She eventually stopped self harming and around that time, the relationship fizzled out and she met someone new. ( she married him ). I like to think that my acceptance and support of her past, helped her gain the self confidence in some small way to rebuild her life.

By the way you describe your new girlfriend, she sounds absolutely perfect for you in every way. I don't think there's a right way or wrong way to approach the issue of your past self harming, but by the sounds of it, she'll be supportive and understanding. Also this is much more common amongst young people than you think and I'd wager she knows somebody already who has done this.

I also think she'd be upset if you didn't tell her too. It's just trying to find the right way to do it.

There are many support groups and forums that help young people with similar issues mate and it maybe worthwhile having a look in them, as I'm sure there's plenty that could help you with practical advice.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is just be yourself and she'll think even more of you mate x
 
PaulieMc said:
Hi everyone, been a little while since I last posted so I just thought I'd offer an update.

Just been on a lad's holiday with my best mate to Amsterdam and boy oh boy did we have a ball, by far the best holiday/trip I've ever been on. We ate and explored and ate some more during the days, got absolutely rotten out of our skulls in the nights. It was exactly what I needed, I got away from my troubles and was able to just feel fully relaxed and settled and just concentrated having as much fun as we possibly could. I only wish it could have lasted a little longer. Now I'm back and getting ready to go back to work on Monday. I've been in a better mood since and I can feel in myself that my confidence has definitely come up, I'm just hoping it lasts now because if it does then my days will be a lot easier to get through.

I've also been debating about whether or not to ask out another girl in work, a newer girl who seems very down to Earth and not part of the gang I dislike, she's been liking a lot of the random stuff I post on facebook and we have nice exchanges when we see other. I like her and think she could be a good laugh to go out with, just a couple of things on my mind which are causing me to doubt whether or not it's a sensible idea to go there. Here they are;
  • Part of me thinks that it would just be very unwise to try and mix my work and personal lives with my chronic mood problems, it could lead to absolute disaster. I already cause myself enough grief over stupid stuff in the place.
  • I've already asked out another girl who works there a few months ago and I'm not sure how well-known it is amongst co-workers. I don't want to look like an idiot who is just after any girl who gives me the time of day.
  • She's a young, single mum with a toddler. A few close friends I've mentioned it too think it's a terrible idea for a young lad like me to want to get involved with a girl who has a young kid. If we started seeing each other and she wanted me to meet her child, hand on heart I honestly have no clue how I'd react to a situation like that.
Overall I'm doing better, at least for now. Hopefully it stays that way and things if anything only continue to go upward, not down. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

To anyone feeling troubled or really restless remember that I'm always here to talk with. :)
Click to expand...

Hi mate.

Don't listen to your mates about the girl in work that you like who has a young child.

If you like her and are mature enough to accept the fact that she has a child go for it.

If she has anything about her, it'll be a while before you ever got to meet the baby, as she won't won't introduce just any old fella to the child. She's going to want to be sure that you're going to stick around before you meet the child.

Go for it x
 
GrandOldTeam said:
Received an email from a reader here: https://www.grandoldteam.com/2017/03/14/fans-emails-6th-january/
Click to expand...

That is truly amazing. The last bit in particular.

"I can’t bring myself to post yet but I just wanted to thank you. I owe you and all posting on your forum a great deal."

It can be so hard to open up as you feel like you are a failure or weak in some way, but hopefully just knowing that there are people out there who want to help is a real comfort. I know when I've had periods recently of feeling really down, being able to come on here and chat with you fellas has been a real relief, even if not specifically in this thread.

From the very early days of GOT, it has been truly heartwarming the way the community has looked out for one another. Best place on the web bar none.
 

Quick update (by which I mean a 10 page essay) regarding my personal situation, which may explain why I haven't been posting here as much in the last month or two.

After making the initial trip to my doctor, I had to wait a few weeks for my various counselling appointments.
During that time I requested a payrise in work hoping that it would help me with my fresh start from a mentality POV as well as the financial cash sum value.
Unfortunately it was rejected to due lack of money in the company, something that I know now to be true - although lets say my reaction wasn't so understanding at the time.

Anyway I virtually broke down and just threw out years of frustration and anger, which after I calmed down was agreed that I take time off, three/four weeks in total. I just needed that break from work were I could spend the first week running around the house naked (calm down ladies, not all at once) and simply relax with no thoughts about work etc...

I then got the call I craved, two days anger management, someone to help me understand my crazy behaviour.
Initially with my anxiety kicking in, I had 100 thoughts/scenarios going through my head, was it some silver spoon higher educated toff telling me what I can and cannot say/do ?

Actually no, it was a guy called Brian, who had his own demons and mistakes in the past, very understanding and certaintly helpful. After the two days he decided that further one to one counselling would be needed - priority case type of thing.
On the Tuesday I came home to a letter saying my appointment was first thing Friday - result !!!

Which is pretty much were im at now, I have started the road to recovery, I have a small yet useful understanding of were im going wrong. The next few months will tell me what issues I have and how to tackle them WITH SUPPORT.

Long story short, it started with a simple call to my doctor. Best decision I have made in a long time, hence the support part being in capitals. Asking for help does not make you weak, it makes you stronger, strong enough to seek the help you need.

Lets see what the next few weeks bring :cheers:
 
Paul Bernard said:
Quick update (by which I mean a 10 page essay) regarding my personal situation, which may explain why I haven't been posting here as much in the last month or two.

After making the initial trip to my doctor, I had to wait a few weeks for my various counselling appointments.
During that time I requested a payrise in work hoping that it would help me with my fresh start from a mentality POV as well as the financial cash sum value.
Unfortunately it was rejected to due lack of money in the company, something that I know now to be true - although lets say my reaction wasn't so understanding at the time.

Anyway I virtually broke down and just threw out years of frustration and anger, which after I calmed down was agreed that I take time off, three/four weeks in total. I just needed that break from work were I could spend the first week running around the house naked (calm down ladies, not all at once) and simply relax with no thoughts about work etc...

I then got the call I craved, two days anger management, someone to help me understand my crazy behaviour.
Initially with my anxiety kicking in, I had 100 thoughts/scenarios going through my head, was it some silver spoon higher educated toff telling me what I can and cannot say/do ?

Actually no, it was a guy called Brian, who had his own demons and mistakes in the past, very understanding and certaintly helpful. After the two days he decided that further one to one counselling would be needed - priority case type of thing.
On the Tuesday I came home to a letter saying my appointment was first thing Friday - result !!!

Which is pretty much were im at now, I have started the road to recovery, I have a small yet useful understanding of were im going wrong. The next few months will tell me what issues I have and how to tackle them WITH SUPPORT.

Long story short, it started with a simple call to my doctor. Best decision I have made in a long time, hence the support part being in capitals. Asking for help does not make you weak, it makes you stronger, strong enough to seek the help you need.

Lets see what the next few weeks bring :cheers:
Click to expand...

The best of luck with it mate. I've been seeing someone now for ~ 6 months, and whilst it's always difficult to see changes in yourself, the other half says it has made a tremendous difference. Undoubtedly better to tackle these things with some help though, so good on you for making that first step.
 
Bruce Wayne said:
The best of luck with it mate. I've been seeing someone now for ~ 6 months, and whilst it's always difficult to see changes in yourself, the other half says it has made a tremendous difference. Undoubtedly better to tackle these things with some help though, so good on you for making that first step.
Click to expand...

Thanks Bruce, as im on the start of my journey im not sure how long it will take to see improvements, of course there is also the balance between good days and bad days, its just about addressing the dark days in the right manner.

As my pay rise has been rejected, im also looking for a new job. The old me (listen to me, its only been a week lol) would of just sulked but done nothing productive.
 

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