At home now, have had my tea and in my dressing gown feeling fully relaxed. For the first time all day I'm able to think clearly.
Earlier today I experienced what can only be described as a mental break. Not a complete physical meltdown where I bawled my eyes out and people had to console me (I have had those before) because I managed to keep a lid on inner-turmoil, but mentally I was in excruciating pain. Colleagues and customers noticed how bad I was but no one said anything to me other than "you're a bit quiet today" probably because they thought I needed space. I just told people I didn't feel well and they then left me alone but did seem to be treading on eggshells around me. Most just gave me a wide berth because of the strong negative chi I was giving off.
I went all morning virtually without saying more than 3 words to anybody and with a VERY sad look and demeanour. I didn't intend to make my colleagues feel awkward but I was just so badly all over the place and couldn't get my head together at all. Every moment I wasn't posting in here about my deep insecurities I was just staring into space, lost in my own world that was filled with sadness.
Thankfully in the afternoon I managed to perk up a bit. I spoke to a family member and then one of my close mates on the phone during my dinner hour and just hearing their voices helped settle me again. I managed to gather myself and although the rest of the day was no picnic I did manage to get through it feeling no way near as bad. At one point I managed a genuine laugh and caught a colleague smile slightly, probably relieved that I seemed to be alright after observing how I was in the morning.
My insecurities have wreaked havoc on me the past couple of days for what I think is several reasons;
1. About a week ago I ran out of my medication and haven't picked up my repeat prescription yet
2. I was EXTREMELY tired, I had about 3 hours sleep before an early morning start. My brain was completely fried.
3. The feeling of being so close to what you think is happiness feels too good to be true so you convince yourself it's all a con and isn't real.
I honestly have no idea what's going with this girl I like. The only facts I have is she gave me her number, she said she'd let me know when she's free and she seems to enjoy my company when we're together. Therefore I have no strong reasoning really to assume she's suddenly gone cold and doesn't want anything to do with me other than the fact I haven't heard from her in a few days. I'll just have to see her on Sunday and see what the deal is for myself, hopefully it's not what I suggested above but there's no way of knowing that yet.
Thanks to everybody for caring, I'm going to get back on the meds ASAP and make sure I get more sleep. That will make a cheerier, healthier me and that type of me is the person who's most likely to get somewhere good in life. I'll keep you all updated.