Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[GwladysBlue]

I understand how he is feeling, he moved in with us when my Daughter was five, she didn't have much contact with her Dad and in the last seven years her father has been absent. He loves her as if she is his own, but he has told me I have to stop her seeing her father. I can't do that, she must make her own decisions, even if he is a waster, I will not jeopardize the relationship I have with my Daughter, especially for a man that is prepared to leave me over it.

It sounds like he is hurting himself at the thought of losing his daughter. If he sees her as his own, he is probably worried that she will love him less now. This is especially relevant if he is an alpha-male, his ego may have taken a beating with recent events.

It sounds like a reactive decision to his situation that he hasn't properly thought it all through.

If you could all sit down calmly and try to talk through the situation, hopefully he will realise that losing the two of you is not what he really wants.

In the meantime, I'd get yourself some counselling, just to have somebody to lean on.

I really hope things work out for you and, as always, there will be a support network in here if you need to just let your feelings out

 

[Twinkletoes123]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

 

[Seathestars]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

Sorry to hear this. You said in an earlier comment that he is an Alpha male and would never go to counselling, it seems to me he needs it, either that or he throws his life away. I think he sounds hurt and wounded and in all honesty it must be tough for him, but if he see's it not any problem that his daughter see's her father again then maybe he'll come round.

I used to read the Serenity prayer sometimes. I never looked at it as a prayer, more of a spiritual thing. I work away and it used to do my head in leaving my family, until 'I accepted the things I cannot change', below is an extract, maybe show him it once he's cooled down a little, good luck.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

 

[coollino]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

What an awful (and deluded) ultimatum to give.

 

[Armel]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

Wow, I'm sorry for you. He has no right to ask/say/to do any of those things. I don't believe that people say stuff they don't mean when they are angry; quite the contrary. Also she's mine? What the hell you can't own people and you can't deprive children of contact with their biological father (even though he is of questionable nature, the child is normally well aware of this, but even so he/she has the right to try and create the semblance of a normal parental relation).

I wish you lots of fortitude and know that the both of you don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

[COYBL25]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

I hate to say this, but get to a solicitor, it's about damage limitation for you and your daughter now x

 

[LinekersLegs]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

So sorry for you, to demand such a thing is quite plainly ridiculous and incredibly cruel emotionally not just on you but also on your daughter.

As others have indicated we are here for you at this dfficult time but I'd strongly suggest some professional advice too as he seems to be escalating this in a frankly bizarre manner.

Edit I have no knowledge of them but Relate offer a free chat session with a counsellor if that is of any help?
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling

 

[larrygobfiend]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

Does he really expect you to ditch your 14 year old daughter? I was slightly sympathetic to his cause before, but that's just bang out of order. Diificult as it must be for him, he needs to grow up.

 

[EFCPaul]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

Clearly he isn't the man you thought he was otherwise he would never demand something so ridiculous and cruel. It's probably time to let go of any feelings you have for him, he has massively disrespected you as a person and a mother by saying something like that.

Your daughter is the most important person to consider, not him. You've done nothing wrong and neither has she and by the sounds of it neither has her biological father in this situation. This man really needs to have a long hard look at himself.

 

[Groucho]

Following on from last night, my husband has issued me an ultimatum, he has stated that he will never change his feelings on my Dayghter, she is now nothing to him. I have been told that either she goes or he goes, obviously I will not abandon my Daughter, so it looks like my marriage has ended.

No one deserves an ultimatum like that.

And having read back to last night, you certainly don't deserve it.

What's his problem? That your daughter sees her real dad? That's nothing for him to get worked up about.

Seems like there's a long road ahead but you are clearly not in the wrong.

 

[LinekersLegs]

 

[COYBL25]

Saw that on the local news and the fact that Kelly Smith had come forward too.

Hopefully some real good can come out of this

 

[Twinkletoes123]

No one deserves an ultimatum like that.

And having read back to last night, you certainly don't deserve it.

What's his problem? That your daughter sees her real dad? That's nothing for him to get worked up about.

Seems like there's a long road ahead but you are clearly not in the wrong.

He said if her father had never stopped seeing my Daughter he would be OK with it. it's the fact that he has been absent for the last 7 years and put me through hell before that.

My daughter wouldn't go to school today as she was so upset. She has an exam tomorrow and obviously is distracted.

 

[LinekersLegs]

He said if her father had never stopped seeing my Daughter he would be OK with it. it's the fact that he has been absent for the last 7 years and put me through hell before that.

My daughter wouldn't go to school today as she was so upset. She has an exam tomorrow and obviously is distracted.

Hopefully he realises that he is now doing exactly the same (and to your daughter) and amends his behaviour.

 

[Jokerdan]

Just a thought but has your husband thought about adopting your daughter formally. She is of an age where she can make up her mind to accept his name. It would probably give both him and your daughter that connection which is clearly the crux of the problem. However, l fear the damage is done and l would suspect your daughter may now feel that she doesn't want to be saddled to such an insecure individual.

There is a saying that any man can be a Father but it is a special man who can be a Dad. Your husband's attitude to all this is falling way short of the latter.

I sincerely hope both you and your daughter find some peace. And you're right, the most important person in all this is your lass. X