Really struggling tonight. I used to go out every Saturday since I was 18 till 24. Haven't been out for a night out for 2+ years now. Obviously, my choice but I associated going out with drugs, alcohol and ultimately - fights. When I'm dunk and have cash on me I make awful decisions. So, decided to take action and ensure I don't get in that position. I simply can't afford to risk my job.
So, told all my mates I would be out (they think I'm being boring and have be asking for months to come out) got to 8pm, I was buzzing, Oasis songs on full volume, few cheeky cans, getting my aftershave on, shave etc... Then, all of a sudden, for no real reason I just felt low. Suddenly, I felt this overwhelming sense of 'I can't do this'. My mates are in a WhatsApp group, once I told them I wasn't going out they took the mick, suggesting I wasn't going out because I'm skint or that I had a girl around mine etc... We talked about boxing, football and stuff. Anyway, I told them not to worry and to have a good night.
In reality, I bought a big bottle Vodka at my local shop and retreated to my comfort zone - my bedroom.. About 1 hour ago, I started crying. I never cry, it's extremely rare. It wasn't because I wasn't going out, it was because my 'depression' has broke me completely. I'm absolutely sick of feeling this way. I haven't touched spirits for months, now I've relapsed. I feel annoyed with myself. I'm also at that self-pity mode of - I give up.
Anyway, my family have no idea I feel this way, nor do my mates. I've kept this act up, I'm very good at it. I'm sure, many people reading this also hide it, especially blokes. Why? Because we're blokes, we can't be seen as weak. That's our mentality.
I used to be very ignorant about mental health. My old neighbour was this 40+ year old lady, who'd play Nirvana songs till 3am and was a full-on alcoholic. She'd play the Titantic theme, then cry for ages. When I was a kid (like 9) me and my old mates would knock on her door and run. We'd tease her for appearance. To show off, I'd call her 'Crazy Bitch' when She went to our corner shop..She killed herself a few years ago. Jumped over the Sunderland bridge. I only found out when my mam showed me the newspper. Now, I totally regret my actions. Now I've had mental health issues (probably not on her scale) I can relate to her. If only, I could go back, talk to her and listen to her story. Not saying I'd save her, she was deeply troubled, but I regret making her life that tiny bit harder. I just didn't understand, being so young.
Depression is awful, I sincerely hope you all get the help you need. Keep talking.
I keep reminding myself it'll get better. I'm low tonight, 1-0 to the demon but I'll get up tomorrow and go to work, make it through the day and equalise. Ridiculous football analogy, but that's how I see it.
I know for a fact Vodka makes me 10x worse. Frustrating, why drink something you know makes you worse?
I try to keep a sense of perspective. I try to tell myself, there is people who are dying from terminal illness, much younger than me, so I should be grateful, Just look at our Bradley Lowery. His entire life consisted of pain and hospitals, my mental illness is about 0.1& of what that poor, lovely kid went through. How do I have the nerve to feel so sorry for myself. I try to convince myself I'm lucky., that I'm being selfish for feeling so low when I have a nice home, job, family & friends. But, if I'm not happy than all of that means [Poor language removed] all surely?
My 'therapist' summed it up nicely a few months ago. She asked me to fill out a questionaire.
- Do you struggle with simple things?
- Do you find it hard to motivate yourself?
- Do you question yourself and your judgement
That sort of thing. I basically answered 'Yes' for everything and handed it back to her.
"Mark you need to realise; it will not just disappear. What will happen, is eventually, you'll have less 'bad days'. I will help you, but I can't give you a tablet and it'll go. Exercise, motivation and self-will will prevail. 95% of this is mental. You didn't always feel so low, so you can get back there, with the right help".
Sorry for such a long post everyone. Take care all! Keep posting on here. Talking about it (even if it is awkward and hard) is half the battle.
You'e not weak, on the contrary, dealing with such a monumental; taboo illness takes real balls.
