Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[The Esk]

Hello to everyone. I,m a first time poster and hopefully I,ll be able to offer some help / advice in relation to the many many threads on this issue. I Have suffered from depression and anxiety problems for the best part of ten years now, This was due to a horrendous and sustained situation in work and looking back nearly led to a nervous breakdown. With me depression came first and then serious anxiety problems - which I am still not fully free . Hopefully by sharing my experiences and things I have found out. I can help in some small way. When I " came out " to my mates that I wasn't well, three of them admitted in private that they had been treated for depression in the past. This sounds terrible, but it made much feel better, as it made me realise that I wasn't alone. From then on I didn't hide it as I realised that your head can be broken just the same as your arm or leg. So the first thing I,d say is accept your ill and don't hide it, be honest with your proper mates and family, you,ll be surprised how supportive people can be once they know. If you bottle it up, it ll just get worse and people won't understand why you are the way you are. Online support is great too, as well as this site, I can recommend - THE MENTAL HEALTH FORUM. This is an NHS site, which caters for every type of mental illness and the online community on it are fantastic. There are fantastic charities out there, run and staffed by people who are mainly volunteers who have been sufferers themselves. One I can highly recommend is - IMAGINE, based in Hope Street, a few doors down from the Casa. They provide volunteers who will act as " Befrienders " - someone who you can talk to outside of your family and friends. From my experience I have found my anxiety problems to be much harder to treat than depression, this seems to be due to the fact that there doesn't seem to be any drugs out there that aren't addictive to treat anxiety. ( I became addicted to sedatives due to a lazy / uncaring GP ). Without getting all medical , from what. I have learnt there are 2 chemicals that are produced in the brain which are major contributors to depression and anxiety problems - SERATONIN and CORTISOL. Have a look online at what these 2 chemicals do inside your head and why / what happens to you when they get messed up. It,ll help you understand the reasons why you are unwell. I could write loads more but hopefully some of this will help someone.

Nice post mate, thank you. I hope you can contribute more to this thread.

 

[The Esk]

Thank you for the kind replies. Some really fantastic advice and it's given more a bit more of a positive spin on the situation. It gets a bit over whelming some days. Posting on here and reading the thoughts of others is a massive help. Thanks again.

How are you doing mate? Hope things are looking up for you?

 

[TX Bill]

Went to work this morning & my security pass wouldn't open the barriers. Ask at Reception & they make a call, next minute, one of the Directors comes down & hands me a letter...suspended with full pay! Terrific!

Time to get some golf in & start looking at the job ads!

Ah sorry to hear about that. I hope you find something bigger and better than what you were in before.

 

[TX Bill]

I suppose this could fit in here. Don'y shoot be down if it is not the best place

For the best part of 18 months i have been stuck in my place in work. It is bottom level admin for the job i do and it is getting beyond the point now where i can't deal with it on a daily basis which i am noticing each morning.

Basically, i am good. not a big headed remark by any stretch. Where i work it is dead end for most people and i am one of the good in amongst the rough. there are things i have come accross including bullying from a collegue, being shunted around job to job and now stuck in a team that royally take the P. I am starting to get miserable coming into work because i don't want to be here anymore but it is almost impossible to get out without knowing someone high up. I have been to interviews that lasted less than 5 minutes, been blocked from leaving on secondments, had interviewers write their own questions (and fail 150 people in the process essentially) and even been told i have over answered the questions?! So the straight forward get a new job is not really in the question because i have been to many interviews and had very little success in even getting a straight forward one.

working within my team, i was away for 4 weeks working elsewhere and upon coming back never said a word to me, not even a 'how was it' that everyone including a lad in a different place asked me. They also had done no work whilst i was gone, telling everyone it was because they were a man down, only for me to come back and do all the work (around 250-300 requests) in 4 days. Theres loads of little issues which prompted me to get fed up at the end of the week abck and put in a formal complaint with my team leader over the issue. ITs been 4 weeks and nothing has been done, and i know full well its because they dont want to deal with it considering the team members in question have been there for years and are thought of as fantastic. in that time they have been quick to pull me up about being 5 minutes late one day though, their priorities and all that.

I suppose my rambling is about just being trapped within my career. As mentioned i am good at what i do and good at anything i have been asked to do as well. MY achievements in just 3 years is amazing for a band 2 worker and yet i cant get anywhere when trying to progress. I have all this ambition inside me yet i am going nowhere and i cant do anything about it it seems! I felt like this before i came here and managed to break out but now it is not a supervisor keeping me in place but an entire admin department and that is really starting to drain any enthusiasm i have within my work life.

I am meeting with the head of the admin/HR this week to have a chat with her so i dont know how i will benefit from it but have been considering working back in the warehouse for ther forseeable future on nights. Dead end job for more money basically, and even then this time next year it may not be a job there anymore.


What can you do?

Thank you for sharing and document everything.

 

[bizzaro]

I can put some stories on here about what happened to me.

But at the moment theres no point. Just a single msg. Keep your heads up and don't let bad people or life grind you down. Roll with the punches.

 

[bizzaro]

I suppose this could fit in here. Don'y shoot be down if it is not the best place

For the best part of 18 months i have been stuck in my place in work. It is bottom level admin for the job i do and it is getting beyond the point now where i can't deal with it on a daily basis which i am noticing each morning.

Basically, i am good. not a big headed remark by any stretch. Where i work it is dead end for most people and i am one of the good in amongst the rough. there are things i have come accross including bullying from a collegue, being shunted around job to job and now stuck in a team that royally take the P. I am starting to get miserable coming into work because i don't want to be here anymore but it is almost impossible to get out without knowing someone high up. I have been to interviews that lasted less than 5 minutes, been blocked from leaving on secondments, had interviewers write their own questions (and fail 150 people in the process essentially) and even been told i have over answered the questions?! So the straight forward get a new job is not really in the question because i have been to many interviews and had very little success in even getting a straight forward one.

working within my team, i was away for 4 weeks working elsewhere and upon coming back never said a word to me, not even a 'how was it' that everyone including a lad in a different place asked me. They also had done no work whilst i was gone, telling everyone it was because they were a man down, only for me to come back and do all the work (around 250-300 requests) in 4 days. Theres loads of little issues which prompted me to get fed up at the end of the week abck and put in a formal complaint with my team leader over the issue. ITs been 4 weeks and nothing has been done, and i know full well its because they dont want to deal with it considering the team members in question have been there for years and are thought of as fantastic. in that time they have been quick to pull me up about being 5 minutes late one day though, their priorities and all that.

I suppose my rambling is about just being trapped within my career. As mentioned i am good at what i do and good at anything i have been asked to do as well. MY achievements in just 3 years is amazing for a band 2 worker and yet i cant get anywhere when trying to progress. I have all this ambition inside me yet i am going nowhere and i cant do anything about it it seems! I felt like this before i came here and managed to break out but now it is not a supervisor keeping me in place but an entire admin department and that is really starting to drain any enthusiasm i have within my work life.

I am meeting with the head of the admin/HR this week to have a chat with her so i dont know how i will benefit from it but have been considering working back in the warehouse for ther forseeable future on nights. Dead end job for more money basically, and even then this time next year it may not be a job there anymore.


What can you do?

My advice from personal experience. Leave. Get a new job lined up ASAP.

Bullying is a disfunctional work environment. You don't want to try and revert the environment back. The bullies + bully will try and target you (vilification etc) to distract from the real issues. Management allowing this to happen will remain uninterested/unengaged. There may be (frequently is) unhealthy relationships between management and this bully/bullies.

You're better off focusing your energy to improvement of yourself. Not them.

Get on discreetly the job apps.

Get a job lined up. Then leave. Leave it amicably. Then smile through gritted teeth. You can laugh elsewhere. They'll do it to someone else soon enough.


My advice. Get moving. Positive change.

 

[bizzaro]

I suppose this could fit in here. Don'y shoot be down if it is not the best place

For the best part of 18 months i have been stuck in my place in work. It is bottom level admin for the job i do and it is getting beyond the point now where i can't deal with it on a daily basis which i am noticing each morning.

Basically, i am good. not a big headed remark by any stretch. Where i work it is dead end for most people and i am one of the good in amongst the rough. there are things i have come accross including bullying from a collegue, being shunted around job to job and now stuck in a team that royally take the P. I am starting to get miserable coming into work because i don't want to be here anymore but it is almost impossible to get out without knowing someone high up. I have been to interviews that lasted less than 5 minutes, been blocked from leaving on secondments, had interviewers write their own questions (and fail 150 people in the process essentially) and even been told i have over answered the questions?! So the straight forward get a new job is not really in the question because i have been to many interviews and had very little success in even getting a straight forward one.

working within my team, i was away for 4 weeks working elsewhere and upon coming back never said a word to me, not even a 'how was it' that everyone including a lad in a different place asked me. They also had done no work whilst i was gone, telling everyone it was because they were a man down, only for me to come back and do all the work (around 250-300 requests) in 4 days. Theres loads of little issues which prompted me to get fed up at the end of the week abck and put in a formal complaint with my team leader over the issue. ITs been 4 weeks and nothing has been done, and i know full well its because they dont want to deal with it considering the team members in question have been there for years and are thought of as fantastic. in that time they have been quick to pull me up about being 5 minutes late one day though, their priorities and all that.

I suppose my rambling is about just being trapped within my career. As mentioned i am good at what i do and good at anything i have been asked to do as well. MY achievements in just 3 years is amazing for a band 2 worker and yet i cant get anywhere when trying to progress. I have all this ambition inside me yet i am going nowhere and i cant do anything about it it seems! I felt like this before i came here and managed to break out but now it is not a supervisor keeping me in place but an entire admin department and that is really starting to drain any enthusiasm i have within my work life.

I am meeting with the head of the admin/HR this week to have a chat with her so i dont know how i will benefit from it but have been considering working back in the warehouse for ther forseeable future on nights. Dead end job for more money basically, and even then this time next year it may not be a job there anymore.


What can you do?

Btw. Trust me. These sort will wait for you to make a mistake they'll try push it along too playing games behind false smiles. In other ways they'll abuse you by taking credit for your work.

Get away. Keep that sort at arms length. Better environments are everywhere. So don't be afraid to look around for one.

 

[Garrick]

Hey lads,

Can't believe I've never contributed to this thread before. I guess I'll start with myself.

I haven't been diagnosed with anything quite yet. Whatever I have for mental health issues has been what they call "adult onset" which, at my age of 24 means that I've only really been experiencing things for the past couple of years. The beauty of the American health system that means if I want to get care I'd have to drive 75 miles to get to somebody that's "in-network," so for now I've been monitoring my own behavior, trying to get enough exercise and sunlight, and talking to others that I know are in the same boat.

Now trust me, I want to get treatment (and I've done some counseling before, up until I found out that my counselor was "out of network"), but well, there's America for you. There are also plenty of other recent events that are exacerbating things, like a recent bad breakup, the loss of a job, the stress level of trying to start my own business, etc. 2014's been a hell of a year, let me tell you.

Anyway, the condition that most closely describes my situation is something called cyclothymia, which is basically a low-level form of bipolar disorder. To the outside world, I appear moody, switching between depressive episodes (which don't quite qualify as a major depressive episode) and hypomanic episodes (which don't quite qualify as mania.) There's no real rhyme or reason behind switching between the two, it's just kind of like a switch flips in my head and everything changes between one of two things:

Depressive: Emotional detachment, life loses meaning, decreased motivation, irritability, low self-esteem, high self-guilt, hopelessness, social withdrawal. Since I do mostly creative work, in the pit of things my productivity will fall waaaaay down.

Hypomanic: Euphoria, borderline narcissism, racing thoughts, easily distracted, inflated sex drive, decreased need for sleep, basically I'll pick a metaphorical fight with the world and, as long as the phase holds, I'll win.

I'd say about... 95% of the time, the symptoms are manageable enough where I can lead a normal life, but there are some times where I'll really struggle to get out of bed in the morning or will not be able to focus for the life of me. Realistically, there's not much I can really do at the moment besides the normal "home treatment" sort of stuff: regular exercise, journaling, that sort of stuff. If it persists for too much longer or worsens I'll have to find some other solutions, but for now, yep, there you are.

 

[COYBL25]

I suppose this could fit in here. Don'y shoot be down if it is not the best place

For the best part of 18 months i have been stuck in my place in work. It is bottom level admin for the job i do and it is getting beyond the point now where i can't deal with it on a daily basis which i am noticing each morning.

Basically, i am good. not a big headed remark by any stretch. Where i work it is dead end for most people and i am one of the good in amongst the rough. there are things i have come accross including bullying from a collegue, being shunted around job to job and now stuck in a team that royally take the P. I am starting to get miserable coming into work because i don't want to be here anymore but it is almost impossible to get out without knowing someone high up. I have been to interviews that lasted less than 5 minutes, been blocked from leaving on secondments, had interviewers write their own questions (and fail 150 people in the process essentially) and even been told i have over answered the questions?! So the straight forward get a new job is not really in the question because i have been to many interviews and had very little success in even getting a straight forward one.

working within my team, i was away for 4 weeks working elsewhere and upon coming back never said a word to me, not even a 'how was it' that everyone including a lad in a different place asked me. They also had done no work whilst i was gone, telling everyone it was because they were a man down, only for me to come back and do all the work (around 250-300 requests) in 4 days. Theres loads of little issues which prompted me to get fed up at the end of the week abck and put in a formal complaint with my team leader over the issue. ITs been 4 weeks and nothing has been done, and i know full well its because they dont want to deal with it considering the team members in question have been there for years and are thought of as fantastic. in that time they have been quick to pull me up about being 5 minutes late one day though, their priorities and all that.

I suppose my rambling is about just being trapped within my career. As mentioned i am good at what i do and good at anything i have been asked to do as well. MY achievements in just 3 years is amazing for a band 2 worker and yet i cant get anywhere when trying to progress. I have all this ambition inside me yet i am going nowhere and i cant do anything about it it seems! I felt like this before i came here and managed to break out but now it is not a supervisor keeping me in place but an entire admin department and that is really starting to drain any enthusiasm i have within my work life.

I am meeting with the head of the admin/HR this week to have a chat with her so i dont know how i will benefit from it but have been considering working back in the warehouse for ther forseeable future on nights. Dead end job for more money basically, and even then this time next year it may not be a job there anymore.


What can you do?

I,m no expert mate, but sounds to me that you may have a case to take to a solicitor who specialises in employment law.
It appears they have deliberately made your working conditions so bad, that you're only real option is to resign or stick it out, becoming ill in the process. Document everything that's gone on, dates, times, who did what. Take it to a brief and see what they say. The first consultation should be free and some companies will do no win no fee if they think you,ve got a good case. Similar stuff in work over a 2 yr period made me ill and it's not worth sticking it out believe me.

 

[Ashtonian]

You have done the best thing raising it with HR. You should never be unhappy in work, its not good for you or the company you work for. If you don't feel rewarded from your current company, have a look at their competitors and see if they have any jobs going.

Thank you for sharing and document everything.

My advice from personal experience. Leave. Get a new job lined up ASAP.

Bullying is a disfunctional work environment. You don't want to try and revert the environment back. The bullies + bully will try and target you (vilification etc) to distract from the real issues. Management allowing this to happen will remain uninterested/unengaged. There may be (frequently is) unhealthy relationships between management and this bully/bullies.

You're better off focusing your energy to improvement of yourself. Not them.

Get on discreetly the job apps.

Get a job lined up. Then leave. Leave it amicably. Then smile through gritted teeth. You can laugh elsewhere. They'll do it to someone else soon enough.


My advice. Get moving. Positive change.

Btw. Trust me. These sort will wait for you to make a mistake they'll try push it along too playing games behind false smiles. In other ways they'll abuse you by taking credit for your work.

Get away. Keep that sort at arms length. Better environments are everywhere. So don't be afraid to look around for one.

I,m no expert mate, but sounds to me that you may have a case to take to a solicitor who specialises in employment law.
It appears they have deliberately made your working conditions so bad, that you're only real option is to resign or stick it out, becoming ill in the process. Document everything that's gone on, dates, times, who did what. Take it to a brief and see what they say. The first consultation should be free and some companies will do no win no fee if they think you,ve got a good case. Similar stuff in work over a 2 yr period made me ill and it's not worth sticking it out believe me.

Thank you for all the reponse!

I know it may seem like a ramble but it is just a fustrating experience that i am going through and i have noticed since coming back from helping out in the warehouse that just how much i hate being there. I have noticed after 9 years of getting up first thing in the morning i have much less motivation than before and although not dread, still not feel at least indifferent about going in. To shed a little bit of light on my current team, there is only 3 of us that do the job for the entire place. It is very exclusive and one of those jobs for life deals. Except for the past 4-5 weeks they havent had a single conversation with me bar the odd thing said. they purposely leave work to do for me when they cant be bothered, do as little as possible at times and at the end of it all i get no gratification from anyone above me for it, despite them knowing full well who is doing it all. As for the email i sent, it was basically not an accusation email but offering proof of everything i was saying. It still hasnt been chased up and i dont expect to hear about it any time soon either. I am waiting to be honest until after xmas and then i can actually go to them and say its been 2 months, nothings been done, thank you for all your support in this matter and basically f them off as it were.

but in the mean time i have this meeting on thursday with the head of the chain of our department, as high as you can go and i'll just lay my cards on the table with her and show her im not someone who is just a run of the mill employee. I am someone who learned a job within 2 hours of experience, i have within a couple weeks of a job done two teams worth of work by myself, i am someone who taught himself how to do his current job. I have worked in every role in the department, have certificates of courses and stuff and yet 'over answering the questions' is deemed good enough to not give me a better job. Best case scenario is that i get something useful, even if its shadowing someone or access to something that my department have closed over for me. Anything than what im doing now.

I am looking for a new job and have applied to be a team leader in our place (well acting team leader) so not sure what will come of that but as i over answered the questions last time, (in an interview system where you have to give enough right anwers and point score) i am not holding my breath.

But thank you again for the responses, i will take them all into consideration. Apologies for letting some stuff out of my head. I don't really talk about these things at home and not with mates so nice to throw it all out in one go so to speak.

 

[COYBL25]

Thank you for all the reponse!

I know it may seem like a ramble but it is just a fustrating experience that i am going through and i have noticed since coming back from helping out in the warehouse that just how much i hate being there. I have noticed after 9 years of getting up first thing in the morning i have much less motivation than before and although not dread, still not feel at least indifferent about going in. To shed a little bit of light on my current team, there is only 3 of us that do the job for the entire place. It is very exclusive and one of those jobs for life deals. Except for the past 4-5 weeks they havent had a single conversation with me bar the odd thing said. they purposely leave work to do for me when they cant be bothered, do as little as possible at times and at the end of it all i get no gratification from anyone above me for it, despite them knowing full well who is doing it all. As for the email i sent, it was basically not an accusation email but offering proof of everything i was saying. It still hasnt been chased up and i dont expect to hear about it any time soon either. I am waiting to be honest until after xmas and then i can actually go to them and say its been 2 months, nothings been done, thank you for all your support in this matter and basically f them off as it were.

but in the mean time i have this meeting on thursday with the head of the chain of our department, as high as you can go and i'll just lay my cards on the table with her and show her im not someone who is just a run of the mill employee. I am someone who learned a job within 2 hours of experience, i have within a couple weeks of a job done two teams worth of work by myself, i am someone who taught himself how to do his current job. I have worked in every role in the department, have certificates of courses and stuff and yet 'over answering the questions' is deemed good enough to not give me a better job. Best case scenario is that i get something useful, even if its shadowing someone or access to something that my department have closed over for me. Anything than what im doing now.

I am looking for a new job and have applied to be a team leader in our place (well acting team leader) so not sure what will come of that but as i over answered the questions last time, (in an interview system where you have to give enough right anwers and point score) i am not holding my breath.

But thank you again for the responses, i will take them all into consideration. Apologies for letting some stuff out of my head. I don't really talk about these things at home and not with mates so nice to throw it all out in one go so to speak.

 

[COYBL25]

Please let us know what happens after you,ve had the meeting with the boss mate. Your bosses reaction to what you have to say may give you a good indication of whether they value you as an employee. You're not ranting on here, you're getting stuff off your chest, instead of it rattling round in your head and bottling it all up.

 

[The Esk]

Thank you for all the reponse!

I know it may seem like a ramble but it is just a fustrating experience that i am going through and i have noticed since coming back from helping out in the warehouse that just how much i hate being there. I have noticed after 9 years of getting up first thing in the morning i have much less motivation than before and although not dread, still not feel at least indifferent about going in. To shed a little bit of light on my current team, there is only 3 of us that do the job for the entire place. It is very exclusive and one of those jobs for life deals. Except for the past 4-5 weeks they havent had a single conversation with me bar the odd thing said. they purposely leave work to do for me when they cant be bothered, do as little as possible at times and at the end of it all i get no gratification from anyone above me for it, despite them knowing full well who is doing it all. As for the email i sent, it was basically not an accusation email but offering proof of everything i was saying. It still hasnt been chased up and i dont expect to hear about it any time soon either. I am waiting to be honest until after xmas and then i can actually go to them and say its been 2 months, nothings been done, thank you for all your support in this matter and basically f them off as it were.

but in the mean time i have this meeting on thursday with the head of the chain of our department, as high as you can go and i'll just lay my cards on the table with her and show her im not someone who is just a run of the mill employee. I am someone who learned a job within 2 hours of experience, i have within a couple weeks of a job done two teams worth of work by myself, i am someone who taught himself how to do his current job. I have worked in every role in the department, have certificates of courses and stuff and yet 'over answering the questions' is deemed good enough to not give me a better job. Best case scenario is that i get something useful, even if its shadowing someone or access to something that my department have closed over for me. Anything than what im doing now.

I am looking for a new job and have applied to be a team leader in our place (well acting team leader) so not sure what will come of that but as i over answered the questions last time, (in an interview system where you have to give enough right anwers and point score) i am not holding my breath.

But thank you again for the responses, i will take them all into consideration. Apologies for letting some stuff out of my head. I don't really talk about these things at home and not with mates so nice to throw it all out in one go so to speak.

No need to apologise mate, get it off your chest!

 

[BBleck]

I suppose this could fit in here. Don'y shoot be down if it is not the best place

For the best part of 18 months i have been stuck in my place in work. It is bottom level admin for the job i do and it is getting beyond the point now where i can't deal with it on a daily basis which i am noticing each morning.

Basically, i am good. not a big headed remark by any stretch. Where i work it is dead end for most people and i am one of the good in amongst the rough. there are things i have come accross including bullying from a collegue, being shunted around job to job and now stuck in a team that royally take the P. I am starting to get miserable coming into work because i don't want to be here anymore but it is almost impossible to get out without knowing someone high up. I have been to interviews that lasted less than 5 minutes, been blocked from leaving on secondments, had interviewers write their own questions (and fail 150 people in the process essentially) and even been told i have over answered the questions?! So the straight forward get a new job is not really in the question because i have been to many interviews and had very little success in even getting a straight forward one.

working within my team, i was away for 4 weeks working elsewhere and upon coming back never said a word to me, not even a 'how was it' that everyone including a lad in a different place asked me. They also had done no work whilst i was gone, telling everyone it was because they were a man down, only for me to come back and do all the work (around 250-300 requests) in 4 days. Theres loads of little issues which prompted me to get fed up at the end of the week abck and put in a formal complaint with my team leader over the issue. ITs been 4 weeks and nothing has been done, and i know full well its because they dont want to deal with it considering the team members in question have been there for years and are thought of as fantastic. in that time they have been quick to pull me up about being 5 minutes late one day though, their priorities and all that.

I suppose my rambling is about just being trapped within my career. As mentioned i am good at what i do and good at anything i have been asked to do as well. MY achievements in just 3 years is amazing for a band 2 worker and yet i cant get anywhere when trying to progress. I have all this ambition inside me yet i am going nowhere and i cant do anything about it it seems! I felt like this before i came here and managed to break out but now it is not a supervisor keeping me in place but an entire admin department and that is really starting to drain any enthusiasm i have within my work life.

I am meeting with the head of the admin/HR this week to have a chat with her so i dont know how i will benefit from it but have been considering working back in the warehouse for ther forseeable future on nights. Dead end job for more money basically, and even then this time next year it may not be a job there anymore.


What can you do?

Best advice I got for when I hated my job: if it's clearly not going to be the place for you long term, then keep working hard and collecting your paycheck while you spend all your free time looking for a better job elsewhere. don't be afraid to think outside the box (different type of work, going back to school, etc.).

A bit general that advice, hope it helps. Best luck mate.

 

[FTY]

This goes in here I think.

Feel proper on the floor tbh lads. Mentioned and deleted in another thread about how I got convicted today of a horrible crime (which I absolutely, 100% didn't commit) from a fight I had 7 months ago.

Now I just feel like I can't carry on. My future's looking non existent with this on my record despite me only being 17. Gonna be hard to get a job and stuff, college are looking at not letting me carry on there even though I've been doing well, there's no point going to Uni anymore. I feel proper embarassed that I'm gonna have this charge on me and people are gonna hear about it regardless of whether it's true or not, I still got found guilty of it so people are gonna believe it. I feel like I've let everyone in my family down and bad that they've all supported me so much, they all believe me and so they've basically all gone through it with me. I feel just so low and just like there's no point at all. It's just [Poor language removed].