Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[shackattack]

i normally take a book out with me, far easier to sit down and just engross yourself. i can communicate as was once a voluntary worker and did MI and CBT with clients. apart from my close friends i just prefer my own company. makes me laugh when people usually the bar staff tell you to cheer up. i always respond with if i was stood here laughing and having a great time on my own you would probably ask me to leave-you can't win. i think people think that if your on your own you must be lonely, but as a male it's far easier to drink alone.

 

[David09]

Just UK based mate. Leicester for our away game but making a long weekend out of it and a few days in Birmingham for the xmas markets. Nowhere near ready to do any abroad trips yet, but you've got to start somewhere. I'm comfortable in my own company and enjoy going places and walks by myself but the acid test will be eating out and maybe going to a bar by myself. I'm not the most confident so I will be daunted but I need to start coming out of my comfort zone if I'm ever going to make something out of my life and end my demons.

I went to Leicester away by myself last year mate but I drove so I don't no what the pubs are like. The atmosphere in the ground was brilliant though

 

[David09]

Sorry about your daughter mate. That would break my heart. I've no experience of dealing with teenagers but my advice is to keep trying. Even if you just send a weekly text to let her know you're thinking of her.

I keep trying mate and it has broken me but her mum knows it and so she is using my daughter against me now trying to get her own way in the divorce and if stand up for myself like I did this week when she offered only a third of the value of our house instead of half my daughter then refuses to talk to me.
I asked my wife to back off this week as I feel vulnerable towards myself and she just laughed and her exact words were " I do not care".

 

[blue to the bone]

Just UK based mate. Leicester for our away game but making a long weekend out of it and a few days in Birmingham for the xmas markets. Nowhere near ready to do any abroad trips yet, but you've got to start somewhere. I'm comfortable in my own company and enjoy going places and walks by myself but the acid test will be eating out and maybe going to a bar by myself. I'm not the most confident so I will be daunted but I need to start coming out of my comfort zone if I'm ever going to make something out of my life and end my demons.

Went to spain the last 2 years on my own. And no one batted an eye lid. Didnt drink that much as I dont but went for food on my own every day and it was great.
Can do as you like and not worrying about others..
My first trips away on my own were to goodison from Ireland and loved them. Got to know people on flights and stuff now so that's good too.
But no problem goin on my own and at first i was dreading it.
Goin to goodison 3 times between now and January so that could well see me back posting on this thread !!!

 

[efcforever]

I keep trying mate and it has broken me but her mum knows it and so she is using my daughter against me now trying to get her own way in the divorce and if stand up for myself like I did this week when she offered only a third of the value of our house instead of half my daughter then refuses to talk to me.
I asked my wife to back off this week as I feel vulnerable towards myself and she just laughed and her exact words were " I do not care".

You are right to stand up for yourself mate. It must be awful for you now but I'm sure as your daughter matures she will eventually see things for what they are.

Just let your daughter know that no matter what you're there if she needs anything.

 

[AmericasToffee]

Your daughter does have her mother's influence bearing down on her at the moment @David09. Be persistent but caring.

 

[bluejohn66]

I keep trying mate and it has broken me but her mum knows it and so she is using my daughter against me now trying to get her own way in the divorce and if stand up for myself like I did this week when she offered only a third of the value of our house instead of half my daughter then refuses to talk to me.
I asked my wife to back off this week as I feel vulnerable towards myself and she just laughed and her exact words were " I do not care".

Horrendous how, after an often traumatic split, children are used as bullets to psychologically 'break down' a parent. Been there mate and although not a nice place to be, children will eventually make up their own mind. I told mine that I loved her dearly and no matter what poison she had heard I would always be there for her, through thick and thin, until the day I died. You'll look back in years to come a completely different person with different goals, focus and ambition, with those shyyte days behind you. Although an old cliche - Time is a Great Healer!
Oh and my daughter now lives with me !! Things change mate.

 

[Disgruntledgoat]

Small update and maybe some advice if anyone is still following this ridiculous story of mine!?

Well, today i well and truly stood up for myself. The ex was meant to bring me my bike out of the shed yesterday but she didn't. She was then meant to bring it this afternoon but instead, i got a message saying your bike (£350 worth) is out side the front. Better come and get it before it gets robbed!

That was the moment i stood up for myself and thought enough is enough of this bitchy attitude making everything 50 times harder than it ever needed to be. So i said that since the split, my life has been turned to crap and i've had to rearrange things, do things and adjust everything so i can stay living around here for the sake of the baby.

Then i told her that as she wanted the split, she wanted to jump into bed with a fella within a week or two and her life has now changed that it's time she rearranged her life to suit that. Told her without a car (remember she took her 2nd car back the other day) i won't be taking the baby to school or having her on only the days that revolve around her job. Time to move stuff around for today's busy "Single" mum.

She of course flipped, called me everything, SH*t dad this, pathetic man, idiot, lowlife all sorts. She desperately was trying to get me to admit i refused to get the bus which isn't at all what i was saying. i kept saying that until i can buy a car, things need to change."So admit now that you're refusing to lower yourself to get the bus and take the baby to school" my reply was "I never used the words lower myself,and as a fully grown adult what i choose to do regarding how i get around town and my travel arrangements are totally my choice".

Aaaanyway, after lots of insults and "Fine, i'll get the solicitors involved, go to court and you won't be seeing the baby again" i kept my cool, called her bluff and said, OK, that's your choice. See you in court.

She is selling her other car, i made her a monthly offer that i can afford. She turned it down, just to be awkward. Worked out a tenner less a month as she is paying for it. Kept saying no. She said she will quit her job because I refuse to take the baby to school etc etc. Again, i kept firm and called her bluff.

Ok i said, that's your choice. All i said was you will have to arrange for the baby to get to school another way until i get a car.

Long story short....stuck to my guns knowing full well she wouldn't quit work and go to court. Eventually after many awful insults she accepted my offer on the car. I will probably buy it and give her a cheap monthly payment, can take the baby on days out and to school, she can keep her work shifts and i get a to pay a lot less in petrol, tax and insurance!

It sounds so petty and from her side, it was. I kept it mature and straight down the line. Gave her the options and that's it. She tried many times to make it hard. using the baby as a weapon. I kept telling myself don't bend over to this. i didn't, now things are going to happen on my terms not hers. it'll all be amicable and flexible from my side but also firm when i need to be. Time to get my own life on track now and do things for me a bit more.

She told me last week that she split up with her fella, said she's on her own now. She went on to tell me earlier during the insults that she is still seeing him and she lied about splitting up. She is making a fool out of herself. She couldn't handle not being in control today. She hated it. You know you are making an impact when the insults fly. also, lies like that i just find cringey.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, i'm now going to have to arse about with the car insurances and that due to the swapping of the cars etc. Does anyone know a way i can do that and avoid admin fees? Trying to keep costs down and i don't need a fee for no reason.

Also, i'm keeping her car insurance in my name as it's cheaper for her, would it be cheaper to put the other car on my multi car policy or get a separate one?

I know it's all sounding petty and daft but i couldn't take anymore insults and walking all over me all the while she was having it all on her terms. I had to put an end to it.

TL;DR: I'm a low down, pathetic sh*t dad but now (may) be able to buy a car so i can do the school run!

I've just seen this. Good for you! You would not have imagined doing that 2 months ago!

 

[Deleted member 28206]

@David09 Your daughter is also approaching the age where she will start to think for herself, i hope shes the thoughtful type and considers her dad in her mature years, as they say, a girl is always her daddys girl.

 

[EFCPaul]

Just completed week 6 of my counselling course.

So far it's been mixed, I feel like I've learnt a lot but also there's been times when I've not enjoyed the evenings. We're getting to the business end so things are ramping up. For weeks we've had it drilled into us the core things that you need to know, (have self awareness, set boundaries, don't judge or offer your opinion, focus on them, etc)

The tutor put us into groups that we're going to be working with for the rest of the course, people we're going to have to share personal info with. I ended up being in a pair with a bloke whom I don't particularly have any rapport with. Nothing personal, we're just different personalities and interests (he's a massive red, swears casually, is quite a bit older than me). The tutor actually said "everyone happy with their groups?"

What am I or anyone else who isn't happy supposed to say? "No actually I'm not happy, I dont want to share things with someone I've found I have nothing in common with" right in front of that person? So much for self-awareness there.

We had to focus on contracts and as a counsellor what do you think you'd put in a contract of yours that a client would have to sign for them to work with you? We awkwardly made conversation as best we could (felt agonizing) and eventually she, the tutor, came to see how we were. I mentioned some of the things we'd discussed, things we'd maybe personally want in our contracts. I told her one of the things I'd brought up and she said "if you wanted that in a contract then you'd be in the wrong job". So much for counsellors not judging people. She can disagree by all means but it's not for her to give me her opinion, she's spent weeks teaching us that is something counsellors aren't supposed to do.

I said "I'm only 25, I could not feel comfortable about certain things now but when I'm say, 45, I might feel completely differently. I haven't lived my life yet."

She asked "well what things do you think you might feel differently about?"

I replied "I don't know I cant see the future. I could have experiences that change how I view certain things, I cant predict how my life may go, that's impossible."

She got her "listening" posture as I said this, as if we were having a session there and then. She said "you seem annoyed". I said I wasnt I just wanted to make my point. I was annoyed though, VERY annoyed. I felt like she'd just gone against everything she has been teaching us for weeks. I'm now in two minds about whether to see the course or not, clearly she's not my cup of tea and if I were a client I know I wouldn't sign a contract to work with her. Which is fine, she's likely q nice person, it's just her and me wouldn't click.

Vent over, just wanted to share.

 

[Coggy]

Where are your solo trips mate? I don't have the confidence to go by myself. I don't even use my holidays. I'm only really happy at work. I struggle to get out of bed without work.
I've even given up with my 14 year old daughter now as she is not interested

Please don't give up on your daughter mate, they can be fickle , and influenced at that age.
I had a son who my ex , tried (subtely) to turn against me , to justify her new partner.
It was a case , from her , of whooing him , at the outset.
In the long run , he and I , are as close as ever , if not more !
Stick with it , as in our case , he was about 12 , and is now almost 30. Mine's a great bloke !

 

[Disgruntledgoat]

Just completed week 6 of my counselling course.

So far it's been mixed, I feel like I've learnt a lot but also there's been times when I've not enjoyed the evenings. We're getting to the business end so things are ramping up. For weeks we've had it drilled into us the core things that you need to know, (have self awareness, set boundaries, don't judge or offer your opinion, focus on them, etc)

The tutor put us into groups that we're going to be working with for the rest of the course, people we're going to have to share personal info with. I ended up being in a pair with a bloke whom I don't particularly have any rapport with. Nothing personal, we're just different personalities and interests (he's a massive red, swears casually, is quite a bit older than me). The tutor actually said "everyone happy with their groups?"

What am I or anyone else who isn't happy supposed to say? "No actually I'm not happy, I dont want to share things with someone I've found I have nothing in common with" right in front of that person? So much for self-awareness there.

We had to focus on contracts and as a counsellor what do you think you'd put in a contract of yours that a client would have to sign for them to work with you? We awkwardly made conversation as best we could (felt agonizing) and eventually she, the tutor, came to see how we were. I mentioned some of the things we'd discussed, things we'd maybe personally want in our contracts. I told her one of the things I'd brought up and she said "if you wanted that in a contract then you'd be in the wrong job". So much for counsellors not judging people. She can disagree by all means but it's not for her to give me her opinion, she's spent weeks teaching us that is something counsellors aren't supposed to do.

I said "I'm only 25, I could not feel comfortable about certain things now but when I'm say, 45, I might feel completely differently. I haven't lived my life yet."

She asked "well what things do you think you might feel differently about?"

I replied "I don't know I cant see the future. I could have experiences that change how I view certain things, I cant predict how my life may go, that's impossible."

She got her "listening" posture as I said this, as if we were having a session there and then. She said "you seem annoyed". I said I wasnt I just wanted to make my point. I was annoyed though, VERY annoyed. I felt like she'd just gone against everything she has been teaching us for weeks. I'm now in two minds about whether to see the course or not, clearly she's not my cup of tea and if I were a client I know I wouldn't sign a contract to work with her. Which is fine, she's likely q nice person, it's just her and me wouldn't click.

Vent over, just wanted to share.

That's good insight though. Just being a counsellor doesn't make you an empathetic demi god that is going to have great rapport with everyone. In my life I've seen two counsellors. One was provided by the university of Liverpool and was an absolute hippy drip that I just did not get on with. The second was a couple of years ago and was somebody I could actually talk to, it didn't feel awkward or anything and I actually looked forward to our sessions.

I have a friend who is onto her 9th therapist in 4 years because she's struggling to find one who 'gets' her particular set of issues.

 

[efcforever]

That's good insight though. Just being a counsellor doesn't make you an empathetic demi god that is going to have great rapport with everyone. In my life I've seen two counsellors. One was provided by the university of Liverpool and was an absolute hippy drip that I just did not get on with. The second was a couple of years ago and was somebody I could actually talk to, it didn't feel awkward or anything and I actually looked forward to our sessions.

I have a friend who is onto her 9th therapist in 4 years because she's struggling to find one who 'gets' her particular set of issues.

Good point. I had three attempts at counselling before I found one that I felt comfortable with. The first two I just didn't click with and used to dread going to the sessions.

 

[andy4efc]

Good point. I had three attempts at counselling before I found one that I felt comfortable with. The first two I just didn't click with and used to dread going to the sessions.

Had a very similar experience but never found one I was comfortable talking to.

 

[andy4efc]

Bit of an update. So, today marked the 7 days without a bet. Do wish I could sometimes but have given or even got near going near a bet so positive vibes. I think since last wed I have spent £10.00 (barring our weekly shop), on stuff for work and little bits. Absolute weight lifted.

I'm having Surgery on Saturday and today had a meeting with bosses about the two weeks off. Said since I am excellent and are willing to do a vital piece of work while I'm away (not time consuming but something that has to be done) they're gonna just leave it as if it was just working at home n get full pay.

Later in teh same meeting, said rather than get someone in to help with my heavy workload, they offered me the chance to take more hours and effectively get paid what the apprentice would have been paid. Taking me from £15.7k a year to £20.8k a year. I would have honestly taken £17/18k in a heartbeat. The increase in hours means im not travelling inbetween getting home and going back out which will save money on my fuel and also the miles no the car.

To round it all off, I finally hit the marker of losing two stone in 3 1/2 weeks of dieting.

What a day. Just a notice to say no matter how low you feel, how isolated, how much you hate everything. A week later, with positive attitude, positive dieting, positive people and support you can feel so much better and believe more in life.

Update time.

Wednesday marked;

1. One month since my last bet. Feel massively in control, never want to go near what I had been doing before, constantly doing it over throughout every day. At very worst I know i'll only ever be bothered about putting an acca on for the Saturday afternoon for some fun. Looking back I can't believe how I let it take over and become an every minute of every day thing. This must have been the longest i've ever gone without a bet for something like 10/12 years. It just must be. Being able to spend money on proper Christmas presents has been great.
2. Started the new hours at work, a little bit more responsibility but has basically been a payrise as haven't done much more as of yet.
3. Surgery has gone well, trying to get exercise in when well enough and very positive feelings.
4. 3 stone lost since dieting started a month ago. Having a bit of trouble this week as I've not lost or gained despite having a very low calorie diet (surgery enforced diet).

Still have bad days but a lot less frequent and usually involves Everton as well. In such a better place than I was a month ago, work wise, mentally, personally.

Now just Everton buck their ideas up and life is good.