Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[Nymzee]

So, at the start of this year, the wife found out she was pregnant. We weren't not planning, but equally, we're both over 40 so didn't really expect anything to happen either, so it was a bit of a shock. At our age, these things aren't straightforward though, and she was really sick the past fortnight. I work from home, so was able to look after her, but her family obviously live in another country, and mine are [Poor language removed], so we've been kind of on our own with it. It didn't help (from my perspective at least) that the medical staff seem to treat you like you're not there during any consultation.

On Tuesday, due to complications, we lost the baby. I'd kinda considered that parenting wouldn't happen, for a variety of reasons, but had warmed to the idea over the past 6 weeks. Obviously my wife has been pretty unwell physically, and it's been very hard mentally as well, so you try and be strong for her while also trying to keep things ticking over, as I freelance so don't get any sick pay or any of that. Being busy has perhaps helped to not think about things too much, but with our age, we both appreciate that this may have been the last chance.

We're looking for a decent couples counsellor to go to, but haven't told anyone yet what's happened, and it feels very lonely at the minute. You random internet weirdos will do.

Sorry to hear about this Bruce. Won't reiterate what everyone else has said, is saying or will say as you know the forum is here for you.

Definitely will say that communication is very key now though. Don't let yourself or your wife have this chew you up inside whilst keeping it from each other. There's no timeframe on getting past it so just make sure your wife is okay and make sure you feel okay as well. I've had friends that have gone through miscarriages, pretended they were dealing with it but it's ruined them in the long-term.

 

[Bruce Wayne]

So sorry to hear this. Much love and hugs to you both. If you feel that need to talk to somebody, these are supposed to be very good. A colleague of mine lost a baby and said this organisation was enormously helpful https://www.sands.org.uk/

Thanks Anjelika, we'll check them out

 

[Bruce Wayne]

Sorry to hear about this Bruce. Won't reiterate what everyone else has said, is saying or will say as you know the forum is here for you.

Definitely will say that communication is very key now though. Don't let yourself or your wife have this chew you up inside whilst keeping it from each other. There's no timeframe on getting past it so just make sure your wife is okay and make sure you feel okay as well. I've had friends that have gone through miscarriages, pretended they were dealing with it but it's ruined them in the long-term.

Aye, we've both been through therapy for different things in the past, and that's been great, not only in talking about the issues involved, but in giving us almost the tools to talk about stuff like this. I think we've done ok thus far because of that, but it has largely been just the two of us to date, which is quite a burden (so apologies for unloading it here, as I haven't really spoken about it anywhere else)

 

[AmericasToffee]

So, at the start of this year, the wife found out she was pregnant. We weren't not planning, but equally, we're both over 40 so didn't really expect anything to happen either, so it was a bit of a shock. At our age, these things aren't straightforward though, and she was really sick the past fortnight. I work from home, so was able to look after her, but her family obviously live in another country, and mine are [Poor language removed], so we've been kind of on our own with it. It didn't help (from my perspective at least) that the medical staff seem to treat you like you're not there during any consultation.

On Tuesday, due to complications, we lost the baby. I'd kinda considered that parenting wouldn't happen, for a variety of reasons, but had warmed to the idea over the past 6 weeks. Obviously my wife has been pretty unwell physically, and it's been very hard mentally as well, so you try and be strong for her while also trying to keep things ticking over, as I freelance so don't get any sick pay or any of that. Being busy has perhaps helped to not think about things too much, but with our age, we both appreciate that this may have been the last chance.

We're looking for a decent couples counsellor to go to, but haven't told anyone yet what's happened, and it feels very lonely at the minute. You random internet weirdos will do.

That's terrible, BW. I have no idea what that feels like but I guess my best advice would be to not try to sugar coat how it feels to yourself or anyone else. Don't cheapen your feelings or your wife's feelings on it. Facing the tragedy head on in full truth was the only way I was able to get over my dad's passing, and even then it took time.

Best wishes to you and the missus, B.

 

[jonnyboy316]

Anyone else on here experienced symptom like tingling in hands and feet and muscle twitching as a result of stress/anxiety? I have had these for a numbers of weeks and have been working with medical consultants but have not been able to identify an underlying condition

 

[COYBL25]

Anyone else on here experienced symptom like tingling in hands and feet and muscle twitching as a result of stress/anxiety? I have had these for a numbers of weeks and have been working with medical consultants but have not been able to identify an underlying condition

Not the same, but I developed tinitus as a result of my anxiety, which only went when I got it under control.

 

[Vegas Toffee Girl]

Anyone else on here experienced symptom like tingling in hands and feet and muscle twitching as a result of stress/anxiety? I have had these for a numbers of weeks and have been working with medical consultants but have not been able to identify an underlying condition

There are several things that could be causing them. I've had similar symptoms in the past.

For me, when it happened, my body was severely depleted in nutrients/vitamins, etc. That by itself can cause those issues. Low iron was my problem at the time.

Also, your muscles may not be getting the nutrients they need to function properly. When your muscles are stressed, trigger points can be created causing all sorts of problems.

For example, one time when I was under a lot of stress, my right arm started shaking whenever I moved it. After freaking out thinking I had Parkinson's or Lou Gehrig's disease, it turned out I had a trigger point activated deep in my bicep muscles. After I used targeted massage on that area, the shaking was gone in 2 days.

Here is a link for info about trigger points.

What Are Trigger Points (And What Can You Do About Them)?

Trigger points can cause pain at the location or in other parts of the body. Learn more about these knots and how therapy can help reduce discomfort.

www.verywellhealth.com

Hope you can find out what is causing it.

 

[Groucho]

Anyone else on here experienced symptom like tingling in hands and feet and muscle twitching as a result of stress/anxiety? I have had these for a numbers of weeks and have been working with medical consultants but have not been able to identify an underlying condition

I’d get that checked out

 

[Kurt.]

So, at the start of this year, the wife found out she was pregnant. We weren't not planning, but equally, we're both over 40 so didn't really expect anything to happen either, so it was a bit of a shock. At our age, these things aren't straightforward though, and she was really sick the past fortnight. I work from home, so was able to look after her, but her family obviously live in another country, and mine are [Poor language removed], so we've been kind of on our own with it. It didn't help (from my perspective at least) that the medical staff seem to treat you like you're not there during any consultation.

On Tuesday, due to complications, we lost the baby. I'd kinda considered that parenting wouldn't happen, for a variety of reasons, but had warmed to the idea over the past 6 weeks. Obviously my wife has been pretty unwell physically, and it's been very hard mentally as well, so you try and be strong for her while also trying to keep things ticking over, as I freelance so don't get any sick pay or any of that. Being busy has perhaps helped to not think about things too much, but with our age, we both appreciate that this may have been the last chance.

We're looking for a decent couples counsellor to go to, but haven't told anyone yet what's happened, and it feels very lonely at the minute. You random internet weirdos will do.

So sorry to read this mate .... truly am . I wish I had words say but I don’t think words are enough sometimes. Here for you if you need an ear to vent to xx

 

[tommye]

So, at the start of this year, the wife found out she was pregnant. We weren't not planning, but equally, we're both over 40 so didn't really expect anything to happen either, so it was a bit of a shock. At our age, these things aren't straightforward though, and she was really sick the past fortnight. I work from home, so was able to look after her, but her family obviously live in another country, and mine are [Poor language removed], so we've been kind of on our own with it. It didn't help (from my perspective at least) that the medical staff seem to treat you like you're not there during any consultation.

On Tuesday, due to complications, we lost the baby. I'd kinda considered that parenting wouldn't happen, for a variety of reasons, but had warmed to the idea over the past 6 weeks. Obviously my wife has been pretty unwell physically, and it's been very hard mentally as well, so you try and be strong for her while also trying to keep things ticking over, as I freelance so don't get any sick pay or any of that. Being busy has perhaps helped to not think about things too much, but with our age, we both appreciate that this may have been the last chance.

We're looking for a decent couples counsellor to go to, but haven't told anyone yet what's happened, and it feels very lonely at the minute. You random internet weirdos will do.

Hugs to you both xxx

 

[Bruce Wayne]

So sorry to read this mate .... truly am . I wish I had words say but I don’t think words are enough sometimes. Here for you if you need an ear to vent to xx

Hugs to you both xxx

Thanks fellas

 

[Trimm Trabb]

I haven’t really spent much time in this thread since joining GOT as I’d never felt the need to. That changed last week when one of my best friends took his own life.

I’m still struggling to accept what he’s done. He was honestly one of the happiest go luckiest people that I have ever known. Neither his friends nor family had any inkling at all that he was depressed let alone contemplating suicide. Even during past conversations with him, while discussing others who had taken their own lives, he always seemed so shocked that anyone could go through with it.

On the one hand I feel anger towards him for the devastation that he’s left behind but, on the other, great sadness that he felt so desperate that this was his only way out. We hear so much about mental illness these days but, up until now, it was just background noise to me as I’d never had anyone close to me be affected by it.

I’m feeling pretty confused with it all at the moment and I really want to find out more about what can drive people to this point and if there are any obvious signs to look out for.

 

[Goat]

So, at the start of this year, the wife found out she was pregnant. We weren't not planning, but equally, we're both over 40 so didn't really expect anything to happen either, so it was a bit of a shock. At our age, these things aren't straightforward though, and she was really sick the past fortnight. I work from home, so was able to look after her, but her family obviously live in another country, and mine are [Poor language removed], so we've been kind of on our own with it. It didn't help (from my perspective at least) that the medical staff seem to treat you like you're not there during any consultation.

On Tuesday, due to complications, we lost the baby. I'd kinda considered that parenting wouldn't happen, for a variety of reasons, but had warmed to the idea over the past 6 weeks. Obviously my wife has been pretty unwell physically, and it's been very hard mentally as well, so you try and be strong for her while also trying to keep things ticking over, as I freelance so don't get any sick pay or any of that. Being busy has perhaps helped to not think about things too much, but with our age, we both appreciate that this may have been the last chance.

We're looking for a decent couples counsellor to go to, but haven't told anyone yet what's happened, and it feels very lonely at the minute. You random internet weirdos will do.

We got you Bruce, we got you.

If you need it im here, ive experienced a similar loss and the only thing I can say is that that feeling you currently have will fade, in time. Just be there for each other, you arent alone.

 

[The Missing Lineker]

I haven’t really spent much time in this thread since joining GOT as I’d never felt the need to. That changed last week when one of my best friends took his own life.

I’m still struggling to accept what he’s done. He was honestly one of the happiest go luckiest people that I have ever known. Neither his friends nor family had any inkling at all that he was depressed let alone contemplating suicide. Even during past conversations with him, while discussing others who had taken their own lives, he always seemed so shocked that anyone could go through with it.

On the one hand I feel anger towards him for the devastation that he’s left behind but, on the other, great sadness that he felt so desperate that this was his only way out. We hear so much about mental illness these days but, up until now, it was just background noise to me as I’d never had anyone close to me be affected by it.

I’m feeling pretty confused with it all at the moment and I really want to find out more about what can drive people to this point and if there are any obvious signs to look out for.

So sorry for your loss. I can empathise completely. My best friend died a few months ago - the culmination of a several years’ of inveterate alcoholism.

My situation different to yours in a very important way. My friend’s death was not entirely unexpected. We all saw how his anguish over his life situation was progressively consuming him. On the other hand, your friend’s death cane out of the blue. Feel for you, that must be worse in so many ways.

People don’t willingly take their own lives unless they have a serious mental health problem. Some with the illness hide it better than others. All depends on upbringing I imagine and how much of a stigma the individual thinks it must be to feel they way they do. That would more logically explain why he didn’t talk to anyone - even his family and friends.

I went through a whole range of emotions too: shock, confusion, anger, grief and, for a long time, guilt.

My own similar experience possibly puts me in a position to give you some advice on more quickly adapting to your loss. This is how I eventually coped:

1) He counted me as a friend. If he wanted me to do anything for him he would have asked. If he wanted to talk to me I was available (eventually sometimes). I never rejected him and neither did he reject me. He wanted to deal with his demons on his own. Unless we’ve been there ourselves, we can’t judge. So don’t judge.
2) He was in pain and I take comfort in knowing he now isn’t.
3) Realising now that I was never in a position to do more for him has made me see that my guilt feelings were really feelings of helplessness. Guilt is such a negative and destructive emotion. Unless you directly caused or facilitated your friend’s death then no way should you feel guilty. Acknowledge those feelings as a sense of helplessness, which is a proportionate and human reaction. Then make peace with it and let it go.
4) I’ve accepted I’m never going to find the answers to the questions you’re probably desperately grappling with right now. Let that go too. Let him become a memory that brings a smile to your face, not an unsolvable puzzle that will only infuriate and torment you. You both deserve better than that.

Hope you find solace very soon, mate.

 

[The Missing Lineker]

We got you Bruce, we got you.

If you need it im here, ive experienced a similar loss and the only thing I can say is that that feeling you currently have will fade, in time. Just be there for each other, you arent alone.

I don’t know why I ramble on and on when this is all I should have said too....