Not sure whether it's his huge dong that makes him so slow on the field, but when he performs like he does 90% of the time he's a liability. Again, not really his fault that he's tasked with being a key player in a Premier League side, but he's never going to perform at this level.
It's quite frankly embarrassing to watch a professional footballer be unable to use their weaker foot, and I've never seen players go so out of their way to not use it.
When I was young I was massively left-footed but by my teens I was more than comfortable trapping, controlling and giving simple passes with my right. I taught myself to control a ball with my right by passing it off a wall and keeping it up using my right foot only, yet this crab can't even touch the ball with this right.