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Campbell’s Season Review via Everton Arent We

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Going into this season I was at a crossroads. Out of Roberto’s first two seasons, I had probably seen the best football from an Everton team this century in his first, and Koné in the second. But it’s Everton at the end of the day. I watched Paul Gascoigne play for us on the arse end of a two day bender and get man of the match; I watched an interview where David Ginola talked about investing in a pension plan and signed for Everton 8 weeks later; I watched Walter Smith shorten the length of the pitch so far below regulation length that we were basically playing on a [Poor language removed] tennis court.

There’s always something ridiculous and disappointing about Everton and this was no different. It was a bit like Jack Dawson winning the ticket at the start of the Titanic and running to the ship, full of hope and aspiration but ultimately ending up at the bottom of the [Poor language removed] ocean, frozen solid. It seems like a lifetime ago, back in the summer of 2013 when Bobby sat next to Kenwright, and with all the hope and conviction of your mate who has just sunk an entire bottle of Famous Grouse, ringing you at half 7 in the morning saying you and him are going to rule the world one day, said he would get us into the Champions League. It was [Poor language removed] great wasn’t it. He was sitting there, smiling, with hair. The start of a new era. He was looking glorious and full of life and happiness, looking like a Thunderbird designed by Brazzers. It was beautiful, fantastic football; players clicking, a [Poor language removed] mural plastered on the side of the ground, which turned into the equivalent of the Sistine Chapel being painted on the bog ceiling in The Blob Shop. Our highest ever points total in a season.

The future looked so positive, but the second season? Lacklustre. Although it did give us enough glimpses to think he could turn it around if he had the luck and made the right signings. But by the end of it he was talking like an alcoholic who had completely fallen off the wagon. He answered questions with riddles and the delusion was genuinely scary. It got to a stage of unreal nonsense. It was like Fear & Loathing In Finch Farm, and his hairline had receded that far it was sitting in the Top Balcony celebrating Gareth Farrelly’s goal against Coventry.

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How did it all go so horribly wrong? The breathtakingly mediocre start against Watford was a symptom of what was to come. It was a team that on paper should really have been giving any team in the league a run for their money. There were some real highlights, a fantastic display at Southampton in the next game was one of the strong points of the season. It really looked like they could turn the corner, and they did. They turned it like Paul Walker. With the exception of the Chelsea game, they began to look more and more like a team who to put it mildly, didn’t have a [Poor language removed] clue what they were doing, especially in defence. As we headed into early November we had an incredible display of Tim Howard showing us he had the positional awareness of a Malaysian aircraft whilst simultaneously breakdancing at the Emirates. Quite a [Poor language removed] spectacle. For a man who admittedly has been a great servant for EFC, it looked as though moments and games like this would shape the season, and ultimately the Martínez era. Tim had been with us through some good times and bad times, he gave his all for the club, but his age was beginning to show. His handling became so poor that he couldn’t catch gonorrhoea at a foam party on a boat in Magaluf. Martínez failed to bring Joel in despite everybody screaming for it for weeks and this began to show big cracks in his management approach, much bigger than ones many of us hadn’t noticed before. It was costing us points, and the iceberg was approaching fast.

A freak Koné hat-trick took place against Sunderland which was a complete [Poor language removed] miracle. A man who usually spends half the game man marking the urinal in the [Poor language removed] Brick. A man who could be on Apollo 11 and still couldn’t find space became the brunt of all of my frustration. I made him on Fight Night just so I could spark him out every time we got beat. I wish I was messing! The absolute disaster that followed panned out exactly like the Titanic. A dire, lifeless string of performances followed through until March which culminated in that [Poor language removed] West Ham game at Goodison. The worst defensive display since Adam Johnson’s barrister. That was the moment he lost me. To lose a game in that fashion at home was absolutely unforgivable. The string of results that followed wasn’t Everton. They were soulless, flat, sickening, sad displays which lacked any sort of positivity. It was heartbreaking.

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The games against Liverpool, Leicester and Sunderland were public executions, and in particular the Liverpool and Leicester games were truly embarrassing. The derby could have easily ended up in double figures. He should have been sacked after that game. The board have a lot to answer for hanging him out to dry like that. Martínez tried, he gave it his all, and he wasn’t good enough. After that every day just dragged out the inevitable, the ship had hit the iceberg weeks ago. It was turning into the Titanic journey that I was talking about at the start. It was pathetic, and the only positive at this point was Darron Gibson’s breathalyser sample.

Then the wheels did fall off, and it was like watching the actual Titanic, except the violinists were playing Z Cars. Niasse was disappearing on one of the lower floors. Gibson picked up a knee injury trying to get on a [Poor language removed] lifeboat. Kenwright ripped the lifejacket off a 12 year old boy and pretended to be Mrs Doubtfire so he could blend it. As the thing went down vertically and everyone else had either got to a lifeboat or drowned, Martínez and Kenwright hung on as the final part of the ship went under. Martínez was talking about the phenomenal design and craftsmanship of the boat and Kenwright was asking him if he could still guarantee European football once they got to the shore.

If you have even bothered to read this far then [Poor language removed] well in mate because I barely read this far and I’ve wrote the thing!

There are positives to take from this season:

  • There needs to be an overhaul at the club; bury the era completely.
  • Ship out loyal and great servants of the club who just can’t cut it anymore.
  • Start a fresh and get a manager who can harness the immense talent in Stones, Lukaku and Barkley and turn them into consistent top-level players.

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Under Martínez there were two extreme ends of the spectrum. Lukaku looked as though he had spent a night firing juice into his neck before going through Chelsea like a [Poor language removed] tank in the FA Cup; dribbling around the whole team, the reserves, the [Poor language removed] team bus, Hiddink, the ASDA in Walton and The Black Horse before slotting and sending us to Wembley, but just weeks later showing the commitment levels of HMRC looking for the Arteta money.

Ross Barkley skipping around 3 or 4 players like they aren’t even there and scoring the occasional wondergoal, but spending the other half of the time looking like he’s been asked to divide 147.3 by the square root of -26, and spending post-match interviews looking like he’s been on the receiving end of Will Smith’s memory pen in the Men in Black. He’s still a [Poor language removed] diamond though and he’s boss. He can and will be great under the right management.

It’s symptomatic of this season really that Gareth Barry, a brilliant servant and a quality player on his day, can deservedly win our player of the season. This is despite the fact he is so slow that he could get all the questions right on The Chase and still get caught. Barry is so slow that he’s still running around town putting up stickers from the Where Is The Love video.

If we can get all these players to work together properly under the right management then we have a quality team. And IF THIS IRANIAN’S GOT THE [Poor language removed] DOUGH HE CLAIMS HE HAS then there’s no reason to not think big, as long as Niasse gets shipped back off to wherever he came from then we should be [Poor language removed] flying mate. Who knows what next season will hold apart from a Kasabian concept album about Jamie Vardy, but if it’s De Boer or Koeman or Van Der Meyde then we have every reason to be positive. This season needs to be put behind us quickly. Next season with the right manager, team and squad we will be a force in the league again. Here’s hoping anyway… That’s the most positive I have been since Thatcher got wrote off in a hotel room. Onwards and upwards.

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Tottenham and Arsenal battle for second: Premier League clockwatch – live! via The Guardian


3.35pm BST

Leicester’s Drinkwater smashes a shot at the Chelsea goal, but Ivanovic is there to clear. Chelsea break and Baba crosses for Traore to hit home, but the striker stumbles on the ball and can’t score.

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At Arsenal, Wilshere lashes a shot into the side-netting with Villa playing as sloppily as they have done all season.

3.33pm BST

Schmeichel makes a wonderful save as Chelsea attack, Leicester go straight up the other end and Vardy has a shot saved.

John Terry has been acknowledging the crowd’s support at Stamford Bridge:

Captain. Leader. Legend. (@alibendertv) pic.twitter.com/C2MeTqs2je

3.31pm BST

In the match itself, Newcastle are looking very solid. Good in defence, probing in attack. Tottenham on course for third, Arsenal second as things stand.

3.30pm BST

Sunderland fans in prissy mood have hired a plane to fly over St James’ Park. “Auf Wiedersehn Prem, Tyne to go” reads the banner.

3.28pm BST

On the 26th minute at Stamford Bridge, the Chelsea fans have risen as one to applaud John Terry (who wears number 26). It’s clear they want him to stay, and Chelsea have offered him a one year deal – but have not offered him the same money he is rumoured to have been offered from China.

3.27pm BST

The top of the Premier League table looks like this currently.

3.25pm BST

Shaun Wilkinson emails about the scoreline in Newcastle: “And the ‘after the horse has bolted award’ for 2016 goes to Gini Wijnaldum. If that goal had come in literally any of the last 10 games …”

3.23pm BST

West Ham have started sluggishly but are now ahead.

Reid headed a high corner back into the area, Antonio brought down on his chest – handball? – and drove a low shot in.

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Ibe has just run half the length of the pitch to score his first Premier League goal.

3.22pm BST

Details of the goal in Newcastle: Janmaat crosses from the right and Alderweireld could not head the ball out. Newcastle pounced on the ball, working it Wijnaldum, who stroked the ball home.

The Everton goal: McCarthy strode to the edge of the box, then bent the ball past Ruddy from distance.

3.20pm BST

The new manager bounce?

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Oh, Tottenham.

3.19pm BST

Here’s the full story on the abandoment/postponement at Old Trafford:

Related: Manchester United abandon final Premier League game after security alert leads to Old Trafford evacuation

3.17pm BST

More news to make people feel old:

1 – WBA's Jonathan Leko is the first player born in 1999 to assist a Premier League goal. Party.

3.16pm BST

There’s a funny old atmosphere at Stamford Bridge: the Leicester fans have demanded the Chelsea fans “Stand up for the champions” and, oddly, they have complied. All very friendly.

3.15pm BST

Jacob Steinberg is at Stoke v West Ham:

West Ham are looking a tad leggy in midfield. Sloppy start from both sides.

3.14pm BST

Rondon is played in and, from a tight angle, beats Bogdan at his near post.

3.13pm BST

Vardy whistles a shot across the face of the Chelsea goal from distance, Courtois watches it go wide.

3.12pm BST

Norwich have started brightly against Everton, but Lukaku has had the first chance of the game, smashing one at Ruddy in the Norwich goal, who turns the ball around the post for a corner.

3.11pm BST

At Newcastle v Tottenham: Andros Townsend plays Janmaat in, who finds Mitrovic. The striker, under pressure from Alderweireld, misses badly.

3.08pm BST

So the Premier League season will not finish today. A suspect package has been discovered at Old Trafford forcing the match to be rescheduled and the ground evacuated.

3.07pm BST

The Manchester United v Bournemouth match has been abandoned. Details here.

3.06pm BST

There’s been a goal at the Liberty Stadium – find out which way it went here.

3.05pm BST

Giroud puts Arsenal in with a shout of finishing above Tottenham.

3.04pm BST

At Chelsea v Leicester, Robert Huth is sitting in the press box. The Leicester fans, meanwhile, are singing “We’re staying up!”

3.03pm BST

The evacuation at Old Trafford has been caused by the discovery of a suspect package. More here.

3.02pm BST

Caption competition:

“‘Roman; So our cunning master plan to humiliate all those pundit idiots came off. Brilliant!’” hoots Mark Elliot.

3.00pm BST

Chelsea have lined up to provide Leicester with a guard of honour, with Roman Abramovich applauding Claudio Ranieri with a very fixed grin as he receives a special trophy on the pitch at Stamford Bridge. The Chelsea crowd offer their former manager warm applause.

2.57pm BST

All round the country, there is clickety-clack sound of studs in tunnels. Players are striding out onto pitches, some of them for the last time. Kick-off minutes away.

2.56pm BST

Caption competition:

“Ha ha, yes Claudio, I agree. José Mourinho is the devil and I got what I deserved this season for hiring him,” hoots J.R. in Illinois.

2.53pm BST

Caption competition:

“HE WHO LAUGHS LAST …” bellows Tony Walton.

2.52pm BST

In July last year, our football editor Marcus Christenson wrote an article suggesting that Claudio Ranieri was likely to get Leicester City relegated from the Premier League. Here’s his apology:

Related: Claudio Ranieri: an apology | Marcus Christenson

2.50pm BST

Swansea v Manchester City will still kick-off at 3pm, but there will be a 45 minute delay at Old Trafford. Fergie time? Details here.

2.48pm BST

Caption competition:

“‘Hahaha, that’s my dilly-dong, Roman!’,” hoots someone called, apparently, Mad Vader.

2.47pm BST

In other news – Max Verstappen has won the Spanish Grand Prix. Wow.

2.46pm BST

There are reports that Old Trafford is being evacuated. Daniel Harris has the details here.

2.43pm BST

The grand prix in Barcelona is drawing to a close – join Lawrence Ostlere for the last lap here:

Related: F1: Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg crash out of Spanish GP – live!

2.42pm BST

Caption competition latest: the gist basically being “ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Roman, the funniest, haha, the funniest thing, haha, happened to me, hahaha, after you sacked me before I could win, haha, the league here… it took a while though, so don’t be smiling too much,” hoots Robert Smith.

2.40pm BST

New of some exits at Arsenal:

Wenger and Sir Chips Keswick confirming the departures of Rosicky, Arteta & Flamini in pieces in the programme today #afc

2.34pm BST

Could there be a playoff for a Europa League place? Possibly. Here’s how:

West Ham and Liverpool will tie for sixth or seventh place (depending on Southampton’s result) if West Ham lose 1-0 at Stoke and Liverpool win 2-1 at West Brom, or if West Ham lose 2-1 and Liverpool win 3-2 etc. If a Europa League place is at stake, a play-off at a neutral venue will then be required if Liverpool lose to Sevilla.

Related: Which English teams will be contesting what in Europe next season?

2.32pm BST

Caption competition latest:

“Bwahhh … Ha! Ha hahahahaha! … wait … wait … [pauses for breath] Bwaaaaaah! HA HA HA!” reports John Pitre.

2.30pm BST

North of the border, Celtic have spanked Motherwell 7-0. And here’s one for a future pub quiz: The 16-year-old debutant substitute Jack Aitchison – the youngest player to play for the Hoops – scored the seventh with his first touch. Aitchison was born on 5 March, 2000 which is enough to make me feel very, very old.

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Caption competition: email tom.bryant@theguardian.com

2.25pm BST

The crowd at Stamford Bridge have warmly applauded the Leicester City players as they stroll out onto the pitch to warm-up. Which is nice. Meanwhile, some news on Theo Walcott’s hamstring from Dave Hytner:

Slight hamstring for Walcott, apparently … Not in the 18 #afc

2.23pm BST

Rafael Benitez is talking about how the Newcastle fans have had an impact on whether or not he will stay at the club: “They have already made me think about the future. When I came I knew about the size of the club but I was really impressed with the fans. So I am considering my options because of the love from the fans. The main thing is to be sure everyone wants the same thing.”

2.20pm BST

There will be no title decider today, of course, but that’s no reason not to spend a little time with Rob Smyth’s Joy of Six on that very subject from a few years back.

Related: The Joy of Six: title deciders | Rob Smyth

2.17pm BST

In the League One playoff, Milwall have beaten Bradford 3-1. Plymouth host Portsmouth in the second leg of their League Two play-off semi-final with the scores level at 2-2 alter on while Forest Green and Grimsby go head-to-head in the National League play-off final at 4pm at Wembley.

2.17pm BST

Chelsea then, playing for nothing and with talented youngsters galore, opt not to give those youngsters the chance to get some game time and instead play the same old underperforming lot who will all be off the Euros and could do with a break. Sunderland, with nothing to play for anymore, have played a team full of kids. Big Sam to Stamford Bridge? Samford Bridge?

2.12pm BST

Newcastle: Darlow, Janmaat, Taylor, Mbemba, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Townsend, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic.
Subs: Cisse, De Jong, Shelvey, Aarons, Perez, Woodman, Sterry.

2.03pm BST

It was 12 years ago today that Claudio Ranieri took charge of his last match as the Chelsea manager. For many other men – me included – the chance to walk back out on that pitch having taking the title from your former employers would be an opportunity to stand in the centre circle and flick Vs at all four stands. But Ranieri is, perhaps disappointingly, not like that. Chelsea will provide Leicester with a guard of honour and it is just the final touch in a wonderful season for the visitors that they will take their deserved plaudits at the home of the former champions.

1.55pm BST

In theory, Arsenal have the easier task today. Aston Villa, manager-less, relegated and without even giving the impression of putting up much of a fight have won just six points away from home all season and are dead bottom of the away form table.

Tottenham, however, face Newcastle at St James’ Park where the home side have been reasonable of late. Newcastle have lost one of their last six at home, and may well have something to prove in front of their own fans. There’s a sense of optimism around the club that they can keep Rafael Benítez in the dugout and so Tottenham’s task may well be harder than their north London rivals’.

1.47pm BST

What do Tottenham fans feel about their season? “Pochettino has done wonders”, but the midfield lacks cover and, if Harry Kane get injured or loses form, they’re in trouble. What do Arsenal fans feel about their season: “We’ve blown it, big time”.

Aston Villa fans are in particularly angry mood, while Chelsea fans believe the club has been invaded by body snatchers. There’s plenty more below:

Related: Premier League 2015-16 fans’ verdicts part one: Arsenal to Manchester United

Related: Premier League 2015-16 fans’ verdicts part two: Newcastle to West Ham

11.38am BST

The bottom’s done and dusted, there’s plenty of jockeying for position to be done between 11th and 16th – though it all has the feel of bald men fighting for combs.

Chelsea, Stoke and Swansea can duke it out for mid-table obscurity and then it’s the fight for (or against) Europa League qualification.

Related: Which English teams will be contesting what in Europe next season?

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Everton end season on a high with 3-0 win against Norwich City via The Guardian

Tim Howard signed off with a clean sheet – the first Everton have kept at home since 3 February – but it was his predication that Roberto Martínez’s successor would be “sitting on a goldmine” of talent that left the greatest impression at Goodison Park. Teenage debutants were to the fore as Everton ended a tumultuous week and season with a convincing win against Norwich City.

Tom Davies and Kieran Dowell were given full debuts by David Unsworth, the under-21s coach asked to take temporary charge following Martínez’s dismissal on Thursday, and excelled as Everton won for only the second time in 11 matches. Jonjoe Kenny made it a trio of academy graduates to impress when he came off from the substitutes’ bench. James McCarthy, Leighton Baines and Kevin Mirallas were the beneficiaries on the scoresheet.

Related: Rafael Benítez could talk to Everton but is negotiating with Newcastle

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Arsenal finish second after Tottenham collapse: Premier League clockwatch – as it happened via The Guardian

Tottenham were humiliated against 10-man Newcastle, while Arsenal cruised to victory over Aston Villa to finish above their north London rivals in the table

5.19pm BST

Thanks for reading, thanks for your company this season. See you for the Euros. And The FA Cup. And the Champions League final. And the Europa League final. And whenever Manchester United v Bournemouth is played.

In the meantime, after Leicester’s incredible season, here’s something to read on your way home – some other incredibly unlikely football bets to come off:

Related: The most unlikely football bet to come off

5.15pm BST

Related: Controlled explosion at Old Trafford after Manchester United abandon final game

5.15pm BST

Related: Danny Drinkwater’s late goal earns champions Leicester a final point at Chelsea

5.14pm BST

At Chelsea, John Terry has told the club’s supporters “I want to be here for the rest of my career”, adding that he wants to stay. He doesn’t say whether he’s going to though.

John Terry: "I want to stay: the club knows that, the fans know that. I want to stay." Abramovich applauding up in the stand.

5.13pm BST

Related: Georginio Wijnaldum leads Newcastle in astonishing rout of Tottenham

5.10pm BST

Related: Southampton seal Europa League spot after beating Crystal Palace

5.09pm BST

Related: Arsenal finish second as Olivier Giroud hat-trick sees off Aston Villa

5.09pm BST

Related: Manchester City draw at Swansea City to all-but ensure top-four finish

5.07pm BST

Related: Mame Biram Diouf strikes late as Stoke dent West Ham’s European ambitions

5.07pm BST

Related: Everton end season on a high with 3-0 win against Norwich City

5.06pm BST

Related: Flores’ last game as Watford manager ends in draw with Sunderland

5.05pm BST

Related: Jordon Ibe’s Liverpool wonder goal earns a point at West Bromwich Albion

5.04pm BST

Apologies – a foolish error. Grimsby are leading Forest Green 2-0 at half time (not the other way round) in the National League playoff final. And I’m an idiot.

5.02pm BST

Here’s what happened at Old Trafford earlier:

5.01pm BST

West Ham could still play Europa League football, of course. If Manchester United beat Crystal Palace in the FA Cup final a Europa League place filters down to seventh. If Palace win they are in the Europa League at the group stage.

4.59pm BST

Here’s the latest Premier League table – but it’s one that could still change after the Manchester United v Bournemouth match is finally played. Leicester win the title by 10 points, Arsenal finish above Spurs and Manchester City will be in the Champions League next year.

4.57pm BST

West Ham finish seventh, Stoke ninth.

4.56pm BST

West Ham launch a last ball into the box from a free-kick, deep into injury time. The ball in is won by Randolph, the goalkeeper who had come up from the back. He heads just wide.

4.54pm BST

Into the last minute at the Britannia, which is the last time we will be able to say that. Stoke 2-1 West Ham currently

4.53pm BST

Watford 2-2 Sunderland: Sanchez Flores finishes with a draw.

Southampton 4-1 Crystal Palace – Southampton move into fifth but may be knocked out of it by Manchester United. Nevertheless, they have secured Europa League football for next season even if they end up in sixth.

4.52pm BST

Tottenham finish third, Arsenal finish above them in second. Manchester City secure Champions League football.

4.51pm BST

Chelsea 1-1 Leicester

Arsenal 4-0 Aston Villa

4.50pm BST

Oh, Spurs.

Spurs ❤️

4.49pm BST

Forest Green are losing 2-0 to Grimsby at Wembley, at half-time in the National League playoff final.

4.48pm BST

The European dream could be over for West Ham

4.47pm BST

That caps a wonderfully cool performance from Southampton.

4.46pm BST

Manchester City are set to secure their Champions League spot – follow the latest with Daniel Harris.

Related: Swansea City v Manchester City: Premier League final day – live!

4.45pm BST

At Arsenal, who are leading Villa 3-0, the party has started. St Totteringham’s Day has arrived late this year, but it has arrived nonetheless.

4.44pm BST

10-man, relegated Newcastle have put five past Spurs. This is ridiculous.

4.43pm BST

Andros Townsend refused to go off when Benitez tried to sub him, and instead is making his old club pay: he lashes a shot against the post and Aarons follows it up and taps it home.

4.41pm BST

There has been a controlled explosion at Old Trafford:

Latest update: A controlled explosion has just been carried out within the stadium by bomb disposal experts at Old Trafford. More to follow.

4.41pm BST

From a Spurs corner, Newcastle break and are two v one on Lloris. Sissoko should score but the Tottenham keeper saves. Tottenham’s heads are down, their spirit broken.

Looks like Tottenham will finish third in a two horse race @tombry

4.38pm BST

What. A. Goal! A cracker from Drinkwater.

4.37pm BST

Giroud’s first Premier League hat-trick and that almost certainly seals second for Arsenal.

4.37pm BST

Speroni gets a hand to the ball, but Bertrand puts Southampton firmly into fifth place.

4.36pm BST

Does that clinch second for Arsenal?

4.35pm BST

There’s all manner of chaos in the Stoke box, with roughly half of each side on the floor in a tangle. The ball finally breaks to West Ham’s Emenike who blazes over. A moment later, there’s a goalmouth scramble and Given knocks the ball off the line.

4.31pm BST

A massive dive earns Newcastle a penalty, which they convert. A shocking penalty decision, but Spurs are back in trouble.

4.30pm BST

Kyle Walker has been subbed after that appalling challenge from Mitrovic. Could be a tactical, but would be a surprise if he wasn’t injured after that.

For West Ham, Valencia has just headed over the bar from close range. Stoke 1-1 West Ham

4.28pm BST

Arsenal are still dominating possession against Villa, and are still failing to get the ball anywhere near the goal. They lead 1-0, while Tottenham are 2-1 down against 10-man Newcastle with 70-or-so minutes played.

4.27pm BST

The latest at Stoke 1-1 West Ham: Andy Carroll looks like he may have been subbed off with an injury.

Sakho and Carroll are off, Valencia and Emenike are the strikers as West Ham look for a second…

4.26pm BST

Mitrovic sent off for Newcastle against Tottenham after a collision with Kyle Walker. An absolutely appalling challenge from the Newcastle striker, studs up and a real leg-breaker against the Spurs man. He goes off effing and jeffing but should have no complaints.

4.24pm BST

An absolute rocket!

4.23pm BST

Southampton currently sitting pretty in fifth.

4.23pm BST

It’s a soft penalty, as Matic hits the deck having played for it. Fabregas makes no mistake from the spot though.

4.22pm BST

Hmm, Hiddink is playing the right back Azpilicueta at centre back. He’s playing the left-fotted centre back Tomori at right back. Chelsea supporters have their heads in their hands. Safe to say Chelsea fans haven’t enjoyed Guus Hiddink’s second spell in charge at Stamford Bridge as much as his first. But …

4.20pm BST

Troubling news from Old Trafford:

Stewards here definitely saying device, including phone, was strapped to gas pipe. Not confirmed. MUFC say their own security found it.

4.18pm BST

Are Spurs back in this? Lamela scores from an incredibly tight angle.

4.18pm BST

At Stamford Bridge, Hiddink brings on Fikayo Tomori for Ivanovic, his final act as the Chelsea (interim) manager. Still 0-0 there, a very pre-season atmosphere inside the ground.

4.16pm BST

Penalty for Watford against Sunderland. Tory Deeney with the chance to level the match … and he does! A cool finish.

4.15pm BST

Imbula levels at Stoke, which could be significant in the race for Europa League spots.

4.14pm BST

Rondon nearly puts West Brom 2-1 up against Liverpool, but Rondon thumped a header into the post with Bogdan beaten.

4.13pm BST

Tottenham are still curiously impotent against Newcastle. However, Arsenal are not exactly dominant against Villa – Giroud has had a couple of chances and taken just one of them. The problem is the same old story: lots of attractive build-up, few efforts on goal.

“Is there an Arsenal fan in the world that doesn’t see Villa getting the draw in the 88th minute. Most likely through a Gunner own goal. #OhArsenal,” hashtags Dominic O’Donnell.

4.11pm BST

Stoke have been having a real go at West Ham, but West Ham very nearly went 2-0 up with Sakho firing hard at goal. A brilliant save from Shay Given has kept it 1-0.

4.09pm BST

Hiddink is finally going to do what the Chelsea fans want and play some kids. Tammy Abraham and Ruben Loftus-Cheek coming on against Leicester. Abraham replaces Traore, Loftus-Cheek on for Pedro.

4.08pm BST

The Martinez effect in action.

4.07pm BST

Sunderland immediately go back ahead.

4.07pm BST

No news yet on when the Manchester United v Bournemouth match will be replayed – could be over a week. More details here.

4.05pm BST

Watford back on level terms against Sunderland.

4.03pm BST

Around the country, 18 Premier League sides kick off for their final 45 minutes of league football for the season.

3.50pm BST

Some half-time reading for you, in light of the news from Old Trafford:

Related: The Joy of Six: football abandonments

3.50pm BST

Arsenal 1-0 Aston Villa

Chelsea 0-0 Leicester

3.47pm BST

Another goal at the Liberty: find out which way it went here.

3.46pm BST

With two minutes before half-time, Mane puts the home side ahead.

3.46pm BST

Half time: Arsenal 1-0 Aston Villa. Arsenal currently second.

3.45pm BST

Norwich’s Brady drags Lukaku back in the penalty area and the big Belgian goes down. It was a soft challenge but a penalty nonetheless. Baines doesn’t miss.

3.44pm BST

Fabregas forces Schmeichel into a great save, but a moment later Pedro has the ball in the net for Chelsea against Leicester. The Spaniard is offside though.

3.43pm BST

Mahrez pings a cross over for Vardy who heads over for a goal kick, a let off for Chelsea.

3.41pm BST

Tottenham are in trouble, but Arsenal might be helping them out – they’re playing lots of pretty football but without threatening the goal very often.

3.40pm BST

Rodwell scores his first goal in 14 months and, seconds later, Sunderland have the ball in the net again via Watmore. The goal is disallowed, but probably shouldn’t have been.

3.39pm BST

Mitrovic powers a header in from, roughly, the penalty spot. Oh Spurs.

3.35pm BST

Leicester’s Drinkwater smashes a shot at the Chelsea goal, but Ivanovic is there to clear. Chelsea break and Baba crosses for Traore to hit home, but the striker stumbles on the ball and can’t score.

3.33pm BST

At Arsenal, Wilshere lashes a shot into the side-netting with Villa playing as sloppily as they have done all season.

3.33pm BST

Schmeichel makes a wonderful save as Chelsea attack, Leicester go straight up the other end and Vardy has a shot saved.

John Terry has been acknowledging the crowd’s support at Stamford Bridge:

Captain. Leader. Legend. (@alibendertv) pic.twitter.com/C2MeTqs2je

3.31pm BST

In the match itself, Newcastle are looking very solid. Good in defence, probing in attack. Tottenham on course for third, Arsenal second as things stand.

3.30pm BST

Sunderland fans in prissy mood have hired a plane to fly over St James’ Park. “Auf Wiedersehn Prem, Tyne to go” reads the banner.

3.28pm BST

On the 26th minute at Stamford Bridge, the Chelsea fans have risen as one to applaud John Terry (who wears number 26). It’s clear they want him to stay, and Chelsea have offered him a one year deal – but have not offered him the same money he is rumoured to have been offered from China.

3.27pm BST

The top of the Premier League table looks like this currently.

3.25pm BST

Shaun Wilkinson emails about the scoreline in Newcastle: “And the ‘after the horse has bolted award’ for 2016 goes to Gini Wijnaldum. If that goal had come in literally any of the last 10 games …”

3.23pm BST

West Ham have started sluggishly but are now ahead.

Reid headed a high corner back into the area, Antonio brought down on his chest – handball? – and drove a low shot in.

3.23pm BST

Ibe has just run half the length of the pitch to score his first Premier League goal.

3.22pm BST

Details of the goal in Newcastle: Janmaat crosses from the right and Alderweireld could not head the ball out. Newcastle pounced on the ball, working it Wijnaldum, who stroked the ball home.

The Everton goal: McCarthy strode to the edge of the box, then bent the ball past Ruddy from distance.

3.20pm BST

The new manager bounce?

3.20pm BST

Oh, Tottenham.

3.19pm BST

Here’s the full story on the abandoment/postponement at Old Trafford:

Related: Manchester United abandon final Premier League game after security alert leads to Old Trafford evacuation

3.17pm BST

More news to make people feel old:

1 – WBA's Jonathan Leko is the first player born in 1999 to assist a Premier League goal. Party.

3.16pm BST

There’s a funny old atmosphere at Stamford Bridge: the Leicester fans have demanded the Chelsea fans “Stand up for the champions” and, oddly, they have complied. All very friendly.

3.15pm BST

Jacob Steinberg is at Stoke v West Ham:

West Ham are looking a tad leggy in midfield. Sloppy start from both sides.

3.14pm BST

Rondon is played in and, from a tight angle, beats Bogdan at his near post.

3.13pm BST

Vardy whistles a shot across the face of the Chelsea goal from distance, Courtois watches it go wide.

3.12pm BST

Norwich have started brightly against Everton, but Lukaku has had the first chance of the game, smashing one at Ruddy in the Norwich goal, who turns the ball around the post for a corner.

3.11pm BST

At Newcastle v Tottenham: Andros Townsend plays Janmaat in, who finds Mitrovic. The striker, under pressure from Alderweireld, misses badly.

3.08pm BST

So the Premier League season will not finish today. A suspect package has been discovered at Old Trafford forcing the match to be rescheduled and the ground evacuated.

3.07pm BST

The Manchester United v Bournemouth match has been abandoned. Details here.

3.06pm BST

There’s been a goal at the Liberty Stadium – find out which way it went here.

3.05pm BST

Giroud puts Arsenal in with a shout of finishing above Tottenham.

3.04pm BST

At Chelsea v Leicester, Robert Huth is sitting in the press box. The Leicester fans, meanwhile, are singing “We’re staying up!”

3.03pm BST

The evacuation at Old Trafford has been caused by the discovery of a suspect package. More here.

3.02pm BST

Caption competition:

“‘Roman; So our cunning master plan to humiliate all those pundit idiots came off. Brilliant!’” hoots Mark Elliot.

3.00pm BST

Chelsea have lined up to provide Leicester with a guard of honour, with Roman Abramovich applauding Claudio Ranieri with a very fixed grin as he receives a special trophy on the pitch at Stamford Bridge. The Chelsea crowd offer their former manager warm applause.

2.57pm BST

All round the country, there is clickety-clack sound of studs in tunnels. Players are striding out onto pitches, some of them for the last time. Kick-off minutes away.

2.56pm BST

Caption competition:

“Ha ha, yes Claudio, I agree. José Mourinho is the devil and I got what I deserved this season for hiring him,” hoots J.R. in Illinois.

2.53pm BST

Caption competition:

“HE WHO LAUGHS LAST …” bellows Tony Walton.

2.52pm BST

In July last year, our football editor Marcus Christenson wrote an article suggesting that Claudio Ranieri was likely to get Leicester City relegated from the Premier League. Here’s his apology:

Related: Claudio Ranieri: an apology | Marcus Christenson

2.50pm BST

Swansea v Manchester City will still kick-off at 3pm, but there will be a 45 minute delay at Old Trafford. Fergie time? Details here.

2.48pm BST

Caption competition:

“‘Hahaha, that’s my dilly-dong, Roman!’,” hoots someone called, apparently, Mad Vader.

2.47pm BST

In other news – Max Verstappen has won the Spanish Grand Prix. Wow.

2.46pm BST

There are reports that Old Trafford is being evacuated. Daniel Harris has the details here.

2.43pm BST

The grand prix in Barcelona is drawing to a close – join Lawrence Ostlere for the last lap here:

Related: F1: Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg crash out of Spanish GP – live!

2.42pm BST

Caption competition latest: the gist basically being “ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Roman, the funniest, haha, the funniest thing, haha, happened to me, hahaha, after you sacked me before I could win, haha, the league here… it took a while though, so don’t be smiling too much,” hoots Robert Smith.

2.40pm BST

New of some exits at Arsenal:

Wenger and Sir Chips Keswick confirming the departures of Rosicky, Arteta & Flamini in pieces in the programme today #afc

2.34pm BST

Could there be a playoff for a Europa League place? Possibly. Here’s how:

West Ham and Liverpool will tie for sixth or seventh place (depending on Southampton’s result) if West Ham lose 1-0 at Stoke and Liverpool win 2-1 at West Brom, or if West Ham lose 2-1 and Liverpool win 3-2 etc. If a Europa League place is at stake, a play-off at a neutral venue will then be required if Liverpool lose to Sevilla.

Related: Which English teams will be contesting what in Europe next season?

2.32pm BST

Caption competition latest:

“Bwahhh … Ha! Ha hahahahaha! … wait … wait … [pauses for breath] Bwaaaaaah! HA HA HA!” reports John Pitre.

2.30pm BST

North of the border, Celtic have spanked Motherwell 7-0. And here’s one for a future pub quiz: The 16-year-old debutant substitute Jack Aitchison – the youngest player to play for the Hoops – scored the seventh with his first touch. Aitchison was born on 5 March, 2000 which is enough to make me feel very, very old.

2.26pm BST

Caption competition: email tom.bryant@theguardian.com

2.25pm BST

The crowd at Stamford Bridge have warmly applauded the Leicester City players as they stroll out onto the pitch to warm-up. Which is nice. Meanwhile, some news on Theo Walcott’s hamstring from Dave Hytner:

Slight hamstring for Walcott, apparently … Not in the 18 #afc

2.23pm BST

Rafael Benitez is talking about how the Newcastle fans have had an impact on whether or not he will stay at the club: “They have already made me think about the future. When I came I knew about the size of the club but I was really impressed with the fans. So I am considering my options because of the love from the fans. The main thing is to be sure everyone wants the same thing.”

2.20pm BST

There will be no title decider today, of course, but that’s no reason not to spend a little time with Rob Smyth’s Joy of Six on that very subject from a few years back.

Related: The Joy of Six: title deciders | Rob Smyth

2.17pm BST

In the League One playoff, Milwall have beaten Bradford 3-1. Plymouth host Portsmouth in the second leg of their League Two play-off semi-final with the scores level at 2-2 alter on while Forest Green and Grimsby go head-to-head in the National League play-off final at 4pm at Wembley.

2.17pm BST

Chelsea then, playing for nothing and with talented youngsters galore, opt not to give those youngsters the chance to get some game time and instead play the same old underperforming lot who will all be off the Euros and could do with a break. Sunderland, with nothing to play for anymore, have played a team full of kids. Big Sam to Stamford Bridge? Samford Bridge?

2.12pm BST

Newcastle: Darlow, Janmaat, Taylor, Mbemba, Dummett, Tiote, Colback, Townsend, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Mitrovic.
Subs: Cisse, De Jong, Shelvey, Aarons, Perez, Woodman, Sterry.

2.03pm BST

It was 12 years ago today that Claudio Ranieri took charge of his last match as the Chelsea manager. For many other men – me included – the chance to walk back out on that pitch having taking the title from your former employers would be an opportunity to stand in the centre circle and flick Vs at all four stands. But Ranieri is, perhaps disappointingly, not like that. Chelsea will provide Leicester with a guard of honour and it is just the final touch in a wonderful season for the visitors that they will take their deserved plaudits at the home of the former champions.

1.55pm BST

In theory, Arsenal have the easier task today. Aston Villa, manager-less, relegated and without even giving the impression of putting up much of a fight have won just six points away from home all season and are dead bottom of the away form table.

Tottenham, however, face Newcastle at St James’ Park where the home side have been reasonable of late. Newcastle have lost one of their last six at home, and may well have something to prove in front of their own fans. There’s a sense of optimism around the club that they can keep Rafael Benítez in the dugout and so Tottenham’s task may well be harder than their north London rivals’.

1.47pm BST

What do Tottenham fans feel about their season? “Pochettino has done wonders”, but the midfield lacks cover and, if Harry Kane get injured or loses form, they’re in trouble. What do Arsenal fans feel about their season: “We’ve blown it, big time”.

Aston Villa fans are in particularly angry mood, while Chelsea fans believe the club has been invaded by body snatchers. There’s plenty more below:

Related: Premier League 2015-16 fans’ verdicts part one: Arsenal to Manchester United

Related: Premier League 2015-16 fans’ verdicts part two: Newcastle to West Ham

11.38am BST

The bottom’s done and dusted, there’s plenty of jockeying for position to be done between 11th and 16th – though it all has the feel of bald men fighting for combs.

Chelsea, Stoke and Swansea can duke it out for mid-table obscurity and then it’s the fight for (or against) Europa League qualification.

Related: Which English teams will be contesting what in Europe next season?

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Everton win 3-0 in season finale over Norwich, Tim Howard keeps clean sheet in last Premier League start via Royal Blue Mersey

GettyImages-531583528.0.jpg

It was a disappointing season, but the Toffees delivered a fun finale to the 2015-16 campaign

Now this was a lot of fun. This was the type of game you imagined Everton playing all season. Manager-for-the-moment David Unsworth allowed many of the youngsters to take center stage and they were impressive, leading the Toffees to a 3-0 win over Norwich City at Goodison Park on Sunday afternoon.

From the kick-off, the Blues seemed free to do whatever they wanted to on the pitch. Without the burden of playing for Roberto Martinez, they allowed their creative juices to flow. No, the defense was still not perfect, but the attack was so good all game that it didn't really matter.

The 17-year-old Tom Davies played the full 90 minutes and did so with great confidence. Jonjoe Kenny assisted on a goal. Kieran Dowell showed ambition on some of his crosses. Matthew Pennington started, but was forced out with an injury after 30 minutes. This was the last game of the season and had no consequence, so it is not a surprise to see the young guys get a chance. But if Everton can incorporate the kids more, it gives them the roster flexibility that they lacked much of this season.

James McCarthy got the scoring started with a laser beam from about five yards outside of the penalty area. It started with a Tim Howard roll out from goal to McCarthy himself. The defensive midfielder dribbled up the field before dumping it to Dowell. The youngster then lost control of the ball but it fell to McCarthy, who smashed it past John Ruddy.

Just before halftime, Leighton Baines doubled the lead by converting a penalty earned by Romelu Lukaku. It was a light penalty to say the least. The ball was played into the box. As the striker went for it, Robbie Brady grabbed his hand and Lukaku hit the deck like a sack of potatoes. From there, Baines easily put it into the back of the net.

And the final goalscorer of the day was Kevin Mirallas right at the start of the second half. In a great bit of football, Everton worked the ball to Kenny on the right wing. He whipped it into the box. The ball made it through a cluster of bodies before coming to Mirallas, who just put his foot through it.

Both Belgian players had great afternoons. No one seems to be happier that Martinez is gone than Mirallas. Kev was showing tremendous effort tracking back on defense and creating chances all over the pitch. Lukaku received more service today than he has in the last two months.

For all the good that there was today, there are just as many question marks and things to worry about headed into the summer. Who will be the manager? Have we seen the last game in an Everton shirt for Lukaku, Ross Barkley and/or John Stones? What about older players like Leon Osman or Tony Hibbert? Is Joel Robles the top choice at goalkeeper? Only time will answer these questions.

What we do know is that Tim Howard has finished his playing days with Everton. Fittingly, he kept a clean sheet in his final game between the sticks. Once a blue, always a blue. Thank you for your service, Tim. You will be missed. Good luck in MLS!

Now, let's get this summer started and see what kind of team the board can put together. Come on, you Blues!


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Everton trio bag Club’s End of Season Awards via NSNO

Gareth Barry, Tim Howard and Romelu Lukaku have all been recognised for their contributions to Everton Football Club with End of Season Award trophies.
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