Gwlacticos
Player Valuation: £10m
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
"Aardvark never killed anyone" [Spike Milligan]
Man is having heart attack on train platform
Helpful bystander: "Is anyone here a doctor?"
Vegan: "I'm a vegan"
Helpful bystander: "Is anyone here a doctor?"
Vegan: "I'm a vegan"
I was visiting a patient in intensive care when I saw a toddler playing with a toy donkey.
a song ran through my mind.......
ICU baby, shaking that ass
a song ran through my mind.......
ICU baby, shaking that ass
scratchnsurf
Player Valuation: £40m
A Librarian was trying to find out what the game Fortnight was all about. She asked every person that came in to her library but no one could answer her. Eventually a father and son came in. The father wanted directions to the Lee Childs section as he had read the books before and liked them a lot. The librarian took her chance and asked the son about the game Fortnight. The boy was able to tell her everything about the game. The librarian then realised that;
The only guy who could ever teach her was the son of a Reacher Fan.
The only guy who could ever teach her was the son of a Reacher Fan.
SiEdmo
Player Valuation: £10m
I read this on bbc the other day,
its a good situation specific pun, but its very out of place as a stand alone joke, literally no connection from fortnite and jack reacher haha
Give it two weeks...
You mean I could have copied and pasted it rather than tap it out with two fingers. Jeez.
Socrates
Player Valuation: £6m
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift..'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift..'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon'.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
An old man goes into a restaurant, and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a low cut top, very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'.”
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a low cut top, very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'.”
No Alla Violenza
Player Valuation: £8m
My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream
Now all I want to do is rub it in
Now all I want to do is rub it in
I keep thinking that I'm a supermarket.
How long have you felt like this?
It all started when I was liddl
How long have you felt like this?
It all started when I was liddl
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A blonde was speeding in a 25 mile per house residential zone when a police car pulled her over.
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's licence.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's licence look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop says, "Don't be a smartass, it's got your picture on it."
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Ah! This must be my driver's licence", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you too were a police officer, we could have avoided all of this."
The female police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde.
She asked for the blonde's driver's licence.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's licence look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop says, "Don't be a smartass, it's got your picture on it."
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Ah! This must be my driver's licence", then handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you too were a police officer, we could have avoided all of this."
A man, a dog and a pig were stranded on a desert island. They really got on well together and became firm friends. One evening, whilst exploring the island they came across a blue lagoon with a majestic sunset. They sat down close to each other to watch the sunset. The man started to feel somewhat amorous and put his arm around the pig intending to make a move on the pig. The dog immediately bared his teeth and started growling at the man. The man hastily moved away from the pig.
A week later a woman was washed up onto the beach;barely alive. The man nursed her back to health whereupon she was revealed to be a stunner. Eventually, when she was well enough the four of them went off to the blue lagoon to see the sunset. As the sun was sinking low the man sidled up to the woman, put his arm around her and whispered....."Any chance you could bring the dog for a walk"?
A week later a woman was washed up onto the beach;barely alive. The man nursed her back to health whereupon she was revealed to be a stunner. Eventually, when she was well enough the four of them went off to the blue lagoon to see the sunset. As the sun was sinking low the man sidled up to the woman, put his arm around her and whispered....."Any chance you could bring the dog for a walk"?