Jokes Thread

[The binman chronicles]

Man walks into a shop and orders a sofa, sofa arrives and having not measured up before hand the man wants to return it 9 days later.

Shop laugh hysterically and hang up, man is left with the sofa and no way of shifting it.

Jokes have to have a hint of realism to them...this would never happen in real life.

...wait a minute isn't there a thread about this!!!

 

[SiEdmo]

what's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea


I wouldn't pay £50 for a lentil on my face

 

[Kurt.]

Man walks into a shop and orders a sofa, sofa arrives and having not measured up before hand the man wants to return it 9 days later.

Shop laugh hysterically and hang up, man is left with the sofa and no way of shifting it.

Suite Jesus

 

[BainesontoastNEW]

 

[BlueIsTheColour]

View attachment 49818

this guy seriously needs to go back to school and do some English lessons...altho with a name like Gaz...

 

[Philw]

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

I remember Noel Edmunds coming out with that when he had a radio show way back in the mists of the last century. It is funny though lollollol

 

[chrissyjack]

I've just poured Lilt into my fish tank. It's now totally tropical

 

[deipnosophist]

Judge: "You really want the jury to believe that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, feral animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"...........

Defendant : "Yes, your honour, ...I was badgered into it."

 

[tommytowne]

I remember Noel Edmunds coming out with that when he had a radio show way back in the mists of the last century. It is funny though lollollol

Sunday mornings on Radio1.
I used to look forward to those.

 

[roydo]

A piece of pink tarmac and an electric fire tried to get into a nightclub.

Bouncer says, "Sorry lads, you are obviously a psychopath, (cycle path) and your mate is barred"

 

[roydo]

Sunday mornings on Radio1.
I used to look forward to those.

I still remember him on the breakfast show ffs. DLT as well.

Noel Edmunds agent lives down the road from me.

 

[Kurt.]

Fruit pastille and opal fruit are sat in a pub enjoying a beer when suddenly they hear a commotion near the bar.... all of a sudden opal fruit disappears under the table shaking ... fruit pastille asks him why he’s hiding .. opal fruit replies “ that’s Tune over there kicking off....he’s feckin menthol him”

 

[roydo]

Fruit pastille and opal fruit are sat in a pub enjoying a beer when suddenly they hear a commotion near the bar.... all of a sudden opal fruit disappears under the table shaking ... fruit pastille asks him why he’s hiding .. opal fruit replies “ that’s Tune over there kicking off....he’s feckin menthol him”

lol

 

[tommytowne]

In the early eighties, Ian Rush and Kenny Dalglish were walking past Bellefield and could hear the Everton players training.
Being in a mischievous mood and knowing every time the Reds played Everton they pissed all over them they went in and challenged Everton's first team to a match, eleven against two.
After a short pause for thought Everton said yes and the game began.
The inevitable happened and Dalglish scored to put them one up at half time. King Kenny said "this is easy, I'm off, you stay and I'll see you later."
An hour later Rush walks into Melwood and Kenny asks "what was the final score", and Rush said "it finished as a draw, one all"
Kenny said "what happened?"
Rush said, "I got sent off"