Jokes Thread

[orly]

In the early eighties, Ian Rush and Kenny Dalglish were walking past Bellefield and could hear the Everton players training.
Being in a mischievous mood and knowing every time the Reds played Everton they pissed all over them they went in and challenged Everton's first team to a match, eleven against two.
After a short pause for thought Everton said yes and the game began.
The inevitable happened and Dalglish scored to put them one up at half time. King Kenny said "this is easy, I'm off, you stay and I'll see you later."
An hour later Rush walks into Melwood and Kenny asks "what was the final score", and Rush said "it finished as a draw, one all"
Kenny said "what happened?"
Rush said, "I got sent off"

?????????

 

[SpongeBob brown shoes]

Subject: A Liverpool Love Story

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey .
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life a new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain...
“What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
“I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me."
“He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry.

 

[verreauxi]

When i was a kid my father caught me wearing a ponytail so he sat me down and made me eat an entire steven seagal movie

 

[Methuselah]

Birkenhead were planning to have their own zoo. The Birkenhead Council called a meeting at the Community Centre where the company that was going to operate the zoo were to give a presentation on what was planned. The Chief Executive of the company gave the presentation and the Chief Planning Officer from the Council was there. After the presentation finished, the Chief Planning Officer asked if there were any questions. A Birkenhead lad at the back put his hand up and said 'what happens if animals like lions and tigers escape'? The Chief Planning Officer said 'well, they'll just have to take their chances like the rest of us'.

 

[evertondotcom]

Man walks into a shop and orders a sofa, sofa arrives and having not measured up before hand the man wants to return it 9 days later.

Shop laugh hysterically and hang up, man is left with the sofa and no way of shifting it.

Footstool

 

[canuckblue]

The medicine man of a certain native American tribe was approached by three women to use the delivery wigwam on the same day. He said it wouldn't be a problem, but reminded each that they had to give birth on the skin of the animal of their family totem.
One had the totem of the dog, another had that of the cow. No problem, so far. The third one looked a bit hesitant and finally said her family had the totem of the hippo. She assured the somewhat surprised medicine man they had a skin, so all was good to go.
On the day, the one with the totem of the dog had a boy, the one with the totem of the cow had a girl and the third had twins, one of each. Which proves the ancient theory that the sum of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

 

[Groucho]

In the early eighties, Ian Rush and Kenny Dalglish were walking past Bellefield and could hear the Everton players training.
Being in a mischievous mood and knowing every time the Reds played Everton they pissed all over them they went in and challenged Everton's first team to a match, eleven against two.
After a short pause for thought Everton said yes and the game began.
The inevitable happened and Dalglish scored to put them one up at half time. King Kenny said "this is easy, I'm off, you stay and I'll see you later."
An hour later Rush walks into Melwood and Kenny asks "what was the final score", and Rush said "it finished as a draw, one all"
Kenny said "what happened?"
Rush said, "I got sent off"

Err....

 

[Groucho]

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees

So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

 

[tommytowne]

Err....

Somemail crappy efforts around at the moment eh?

 

[tommytowne]

Meant Some crappy efforts

 

[chrissyjack]

Fruit pastille and opal fruit are sat in a pub enjoying a beer when suddenly they hear a commotion near the bar.... all of a sudden opal fruit disappears under the table shaking ... fruit pastille asks him why he’s hiding .. opal fruit replies “ that’s Tune over there kicking off....he’s feckin menthol him”

Bloody hell , lad . Any more medicinal lozenge puns in this thread , and the mods might Locket

 

[SpongeBob brown shoes]

In the early eighties, Ian Rush and Kenny Dalglish were walking past Bellefield and could hear the Everton players training.
Being in a mischievous mood and knowing every time the Reds played Everton they pissed all over them they went in and challenged Everton's first team to a match, eleven against two.
After a short pause for thought Everton said yes and the game began.
The inevitable happened and Dalglish scored to put them one up at half time. King Kenny said "this is easy, I'm off, you stay and I'll see you later."
An hour later Rush walks into Melwood and Kenny asks "what was the final score", and Rush said "it finished as a draw, one all"
Kenny said "what happened?"
Rush said, "I got sent off"

 

[Dylan]

Facebook are launching a new email service. Curiously, the 'mark as read' feature has been misspelled as 'Mark has read"

 

[summerisle]

Me and my mates are in a group called Duvet.
We're a cover band.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday ?
Aye matey.

 

[Kurt.]

Bloke walks into a pub with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says “pint for me please and one for the road”