anton66
Player Valuation: £50m
Yes, it's an infection of the cock-lear
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
A fish swam in to a wall and said ‘oh Damn’
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Strange beers to the left of me
Cheap biscuits to the right.
Hear I am
Stuck in the Lidl with you.
Cheap biscuits to the right.
Hear I am
Stuck in the Lidl with you.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station.
As the train began the trip, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
As the train began the trip, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
mccole
Player Valuation: £35m
The wife was put into a coma and when I spoke to the doctor, they said one thing that might help her wake is if you give her oral sex.
I said, I'll try anything so off I went into her room.
About 5 minutes later, I came out and said, Doc she's choking.
- Norm Macdonald
I said, I'll try anything so off I went into her room.
About 5 minutes later, I came out and said, Doc she's choking.
- Norm Macdonald
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab.
The results speak for themselves.
The results speak for themselves.
bigbadjeff
Player Valuation: £15m
Younger ones won’t get this, but here goes
If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what makes you pregnant?
Two snowballs and a wee Willie.
If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what makes you pregnant?
Two snowballs and a wee Willie.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….
Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.
The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.
The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.
Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.
Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.
Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
My pet owl's lost his voice. He doesn't give a hoot.
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Yep.Comes from listening to arseh***s all day.
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
I'd tweak that a bit :
Bloke and his brother walk into the chippy.
"Steak and Kiddly Pie please" says the bloke
"Dont you mean Steak and Kidney Pie?"
His brother replies : "That's what he said, diddly ?