Jokes Thread

[anton66]

Sure I could lend a hand.

Or two.

 

[AndyC]

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York Racecourse.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them
could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and then shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Class 3?'

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.’

 

[summerisle]

I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable.

 

[summerisle]

 

[canuckblue]

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York Racecourse.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them
could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and then shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Class 3?'

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.’

A variation:

Kopite family moves to America and puts their son in the third grade. After the first day of school, the son comes home and his dad asks him how school went.
"Well, we had geography today and I could name all the countries of Europe on a map, but none of the other kids could. Is that because I'm smart?
"No, son, it's because you support Liverpool."
Next day, same thing.
"Today we had maths and I got all the way through the nine times table. None of the other kids did. Is that because I'm smart?"
"No, son, it's because you support Liverpool."
Third day, son comes home with a perplexed expression.
"Dad, today we had phys ed and after I saw my willie was a lot bigger than the other boys have. Is that because I support Liverpool?"
"No son, it's because you're 32."

 

[Gwladysstreetlad]

On Chritmas day 1914 Allied and German troops called a truce for the day and played a game of football in No Man's Land.

It was all going really well until some scally (who had a spec in the Gwladys at Goodison) started screaming "SHOOT FFS, SHOOT!!!".....

 

[AndyC]

The owner of a golf course on the Wirral confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Liverpool and I need some help. If I was to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything, but my earrings.”

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[kev]

Still embarrassed about the time I got Trainspotting mixed up with bird spotting and ended up mainlining heron.

 

[AndyC]

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Carling, Stella, Peroni and Fosters...

Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

 

[Parker]

I've developed a fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to that realisation.

 

[Parker]

Last night I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

 

[Parker]

I finally finished my book on making love to herbs.

Its about f***ing Thyme.

 

[bluejohn66]