Jokes Thread

[canuckblue]

A man from Paris is arrested in London on a charge of necrophilia.
"But Monsieur, I did not know she was dead," he said to the officer. "I thought she was English."

 

[AndyC]

A police officer just knocked on our front door and asked where I was between 3 and 4.

He wasn't best pleased when I replied...

"Kindergarten."

 

[AndyC]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.

The best call was from a bloke who called his wife .."DFS Sofas."

The host asked him, "why that name ?"

He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 48 months !"

 

[Cels]

Getting the Christmas decorations out of the loft I found an old copy of the 1977 Radio Times, or as it's now called... The Sex Offenders Register.

 

[Cels]

Recently I’ve started telling everyone about the health benefits of eating dried grapes... It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

[Cels]

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison... Where you can watch TV all day without needing a licence.

 

[Cels]

I found 5 Mars, 3 Snickers, a Galaxy and a Twix in this box of Celebrations... I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a Bounty hunter.

 

[Cels]

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. But please note, this will only be for the Christmas Period.

 

[Philw]

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. But please note, this will only be for the Christmas Period.

@RAFUH...

 

[summerisle]

Within minutes the detective knew what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. But please note, this will only be for the Christmas Period.

That reminds me of the time I went to view a house with period features.
A new build which I thought was perfect ,the wife never.

 

[Seathestars]

Me and my cross eyed wife have been divorced, we just didn't see eye to eye.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Within minutes the detective knew what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Was it an open or shut case

 

[summerisle]

Was it an open or shut case

I'll have to wait for the crackers on Christmas day.

 

[Seathestars]

I almost had sex with a blind woman once, but I couldn't get her husbands voice just right.