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Jokes Thread


A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...
 

An Everton fan (quite possibly @tommye) liked to amuse himself by scaring every Liverpool supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious red jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving through town he saw Marco Silva at the side of the road with steam billowing from the bonnet of his mercedes. He pulled over and said "Are you OK Marco?"

"I'm on my way to Finch Farm and the bloody car has overheated"

"Jump in, I'm going that way"

Marco climbed into the passenger seat, and off they went.
Within minutes the driver spotted a kopite FKW walking down the road, he instinctively swerved as if to hit him, as usual, swerving back onto the road just in time.
Despite being pretty certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD.
Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still couldn't see anything.
He turned to Silva and said, "Sorry Marco, I thought I'd hit that redsh*te then."

"That's OK," said Marco, "I got him with the door."
 
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'



She smiled and said, “No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan and two flat tyres...”
 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 

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