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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Guy walks into a crowded bar and holds up a gun.
"This is a .45-calibre Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine and one in the chamber," he shouted. "I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
After a few moments' silence, there comes a voice from the back of the room.
"You're going to need more ammo."
"This is a .45-calibre Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine and one in the chamber," he shouted. "I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
After a few moments' silence, there comes a voice from the back of the room.
"You're going to need more ammo."
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he meets Jim.
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
Carl replies "I s**t. You knot."
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"
Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers."
Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"
Carl replies "I s**t. You knot."
Last edited:
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce ?
Chicken sees a salad.
Chicken sees a salad.
I'm fine with letting people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?
That's where I draw the line.
That's where I draw the line.
I bet my farmer friend that I could get his cows hooked on weed.
The steaks have never been higher.
The steaks have never been higher.
I visited a Weight Watchers class and emptied a box of Maltesers on the floor. It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen
Just checked some horsemeat burgers I've had in my fridge for ages . Aaaaaaannndd they're off
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What do you call a fat psychic ?
A four-chin teller.
.
A four-chin teller.
.
I've just been diagnosed with colour blindness.
It came completely out of the purple.
It came completely out of the purple.
Cellardweller
Player Valuation: £8m
The missus keeps telling me to put the toilet seat down.
To be honest I don’t know why I carry it around with me.
To be honest I don’t know why I carry it around with me.
I’m actually colour blind and have decided I’m going to take offence at this.