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Jokes Thread

chrissyjack said:
A man was in a bar when he heard a voice say " Nice shirt " . Then he heard the same voice say " Nice shoes you have on, too" He couldn't see anybody else there so he asked the barman , who replied " That will be the nuts on the bar, sir. They're complimentary"
Click to expand...
but as he passed the fag machine it called him a fat get...ah said the barman, sorry - the cigarette machine is out of order.
 
Apologies if its been on before.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all.
..... My wife won twice last week!'
 
Two Newfies (residents of Canada's easternmost province), were applying for employment insurance after being laid off. They both go in for interviews at the same time.
"What did you do?" Clarence was asked.
"Worked in a lingerie factory, sewing knickers."
"Okay, that's semi-skilled labour, so $150 a week."
George goes in next.
"And what was your last job?"
"Diesel fitter," George replied.
"Ah, skilled labour. You get $300 a week."
George tells Clarence and Clarence hits the roof. He goes back and confronts the agent.
"T'underin' Jaysus," he shouted. "Why does George get twice as much?"
"Well, he's a diesel fitter, which is a more skilled occupation."
"Skilled, hell," Clarence retorted. "He worked in the same factory. I'd sew the knickers and he'd put them over his head and say, 'Yep, dese'll fit 'er.' "


(BTW, Newfies are some of the greatest people you'll ever meet and tell some of the best jokes, including about themselves).
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
 

Three newly wed couples were on their honeymoon and the new husbands were bigging up their sexual prowess.
After a few beers, they all agreed that they would have a bet on who could make love to their new wives the most times. Without letting the wives know, they would order extra toast at breakfast to the amount they had made love to their wives.
The following morning at the breakfast table, they all ordered their breakfast.
The first one ordered 'a full english with three extra rounds of toast please'
The second one said ' I will have the same please, also with three extra toast please'
The third one sat down and said' can i also have a full english, with FOUR extra rounds of toast, and make the last one Brown please'
 

One winter morning while listening to the radio,Bob and his wife hear the announcer say that they are going to have 4 to 6 inches of snow today,
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street..so the snowplow can get through
Bobs wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later they are eating breakfast and the announcer says..we are expecting 6- 8 inches of snow today..
you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.
Bobs wife goes out and moves her car again
The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says we are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today you must park......
when the electric goes off..
Bobs wife is very upset with a worried look on her face says..
Honey i don,t know what to do.. which side of the street do i need to park so the snowplow can get through...
With the love and understanding like all men who are married to blondes....says..
Honey why don,t you just leave it in the garage this time ...............:)
 

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