Jokes Thread

[summerisle]

I genuinely am as it’s a wonderful joke

Spoilt now.

 

[AndyC]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are discussing their families...

The Englishman says, "my son was born on St.Georges' Day, so I called him George."
The Scotsman says, "What a coincidence, because my son was born on St.Andrews' Day and I called him Andrew."

The Irishman, beams with delight and says, "Bejaysus that's amazing, can't wait till I get home and tell our Pancake."

 

[JammyP]

My sister in law sat on my glasses and broke them. I probably should have taken them off first.

(Nicholson broke his nose while filming, which was written into the script - with a plaster bandage on his nose for much of the film)

 

[kev]

The world tongue-twister champion is to appear in court this afternoon.












I hope he gets a really tough sentence.

 

[chrissyjack]

I got knocked down by the truck salting the roads earlier. " You bloody idiot !!" I shouted at the driver, through gritted teeth

 

[AndyC]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall & smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please. I love you so much!”

“No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t!”
“I’m begging you.”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl’s older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, & in a sleepy voice, she says:
“Dad says to go ahead & have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mum says she can come down herself & do it, but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!”

 

[Parker]

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone are sat at a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."

So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."

That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

 

[JammyP]

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris and Sylvester Stallone are sat at a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."

So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."

That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."

Thank you. I didn't see it coming

 

[Parker]

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble pieces.

My next S*** could spell disaster.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

My friend keeps saying "cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well!

 

[WA Toffee]

I’m actually colour blind and have decided I’m going to take offence at this.

you're just orange with envy

 

[Groucho]

I cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

 

[Dylan]

Your momma so fat she left the house in high heels and came back in flip flops.

The earth used to be flat. Then they buried your momma.

Your momma so fat that when she walked past the TV, I missed 3 episodes.

Your momma so fat, the sorting hat from Hogwarts put her in all 4 houses.

 

[anton66]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are discussing their families...

The Englishman says, "my son was born on St.Georges' Day, so I called him George."
The Scotsman says, "What a coincidence, because my son was born on St.Andrews' Day and I called him Andrew."

The Irishman, beams with delight and says, "Bejaysus that's amazing, can't wait till I get home and tell our Pancake."

Probably best not to tell that one to Stevie G.

 

[AndyC]

Bloke in a bar: What's the wifi password mate
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Bloke: Okay, I'll have a whisky and coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Bloke: Okay, How much is that?
Bartender: £4.75.

Bloke: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.