gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
Quasimodo goes into a bar.
"Whisky please."
"Bells ok?"
"Mind your own ****ing business."
"Whisky please."
"Bells ok?"
"Mind your own ****ing business."
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
canuckblue
Player Valuation: £50m
Quasimodo retires and the Notre Dame hierarchy need to hire a replacement. No one they interview can do the job well enough and they're about to give up hope when an armless man applies.
"How can you pull on the bell rope?" he is asked.
"Can't, obviously, but I do the job this way," he replies before running headfirst into the bell, causing it to peal. The priests are delighted and he's hired. All goes well for a few weeks until on one icy morning he slips and falls to his death outside. People gather around and the police arrive.
"Do you know this man's name?" one bystander is asked.
"No, but his face rings a bell."
So now the church is back to square one and all seems in vain until the dead man's twin arrives. Only he has no legs. Still, he shows the same aptitude and takes over the position. All goes well until one hot morning when his hands slip on the rope and down he goes.
Police again arrive and inquire if anyone in the crowd knows this man.
"No," says one, "but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
"How can you pull on the bell rope?" he is asked.
"Can't, obviously, but I do the job this way," he replies before running headfirst into the bell, causing it to peal. The priests are delighted and he's hired. All goes well for a few weeks until on one icy morning he slips and falls to his death outside. People gather around and the police arrive.
"Do you know this man's name?" one bystander is asked.
"No, but his face rings a bell."
So now the church is back to square one and all seems in vain until the dead man's twin arrives. Only he has no legs. Still, he shows the same aptitude and takes over the position. All goes well until one hot morning when his hands slip on the rope and down he goes.
Police again arrive and inquire if anyone in the crowd knows this man.
"No," says one, "but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
Guy goes into the barbers and there's a queue, " How long will I have to wait for a cut?" " About 2 hours" replies the barber " I'll be back later" says the guy who then leaves the shop.
The barber turns around quickly and says to his assistant " quick follow him and tell me where he goes that's the fourth time this week he's done the same thing and he never returns the same day" after half an hour the assistant returned,"well where did he go?" "Your house" came the Reply.......
The barber turns around quickly and says to his assistant " quick follow him and tell me where he goes that's the fourth time this week he's done the same thing and he never returns the same day" after half an hour the assistant returned,"well where did he go?" "Your house" came the Reply.......
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
On his way home he nipped into the local Chinese and asked to borrow a wok.
"No home cooking I'm afraid quasi " said the takeaway owner.
Quasi replied.
"Its to iron a shirt you cheeky buggers".
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Another one.
During a slow dance at the local disco, Esmerelda whispered in his ear: “What’s that lump in your pocket?” And Quasimodo said: “It’s a photograph of my dad.”
During a slow dance at the local disco, Esmerelda whispered in his ear: “What’s that lump in your pocket?” And Quasimodo said: “It’s a photograph of my dad.”
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
lol
Tampax have announced they'll be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel. But it's only for the Christmas Period.
Sharpattack
Player Valuation: £35m
BigBlueConk
Player Valuation: £70m
David Bowie once bought Bing Crosby a pom pom for Christmas, but it wasn't just any old pom pom...
Apparently it was a proper pom pom.
Apparently it was a proper pom pom.
Sharpattack
Player Valuation: £35m
I used to be into necrophelia, but it was dead boring
Seathestars
Player Valuation: £60m
Viagra, won’t turn you into James Bond, but they’ll certainly make you Roger Moore
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.
Not one of my normal posts, a bit more serious this time.
If anyone knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can you let me know as I need to borrow some chairs.
If anyone knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can you let me know as I need to borrow some chairs.
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