I’m pinching that
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
He already has...
Sharpattack
Player Valuation: £35m
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
I was with my grandad once talking about the war and he said that in the loft he had his standard issue pistol. I went up the attic looking for it and when I couldn't find it I asked where it was.
Behind the tank he shouted.
Bloody hell grandad have you got one of those as well!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, he leaned out the window and asked the cowboy:
“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. Because this is a herd of sheep!
Now give me back my dog.”
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, he leaned out the window and asked the cowboy:
“If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. Because this is a herd of sheep!
Now give me back my dog.”
tommye
Player Valuation: £100m
Ffs Kev!
BossBlue
Player Valuation: £950k
GO TO BED mert...
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
She replied,
"I am just here to get something to eat."
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
She replied,
"I am just here to get something to eat."
Sharpattack
Player Valuation: £35m
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Advent calendars ?
Their days are numbered.
Their days are numbered.
Yesterday, my neighbour played the same Lionel Richie song on repeat. I normally wouldn't mind, but it was all night long
Philw
Player Valuation: £50m
I had a similar problem with my downstairs neighbours. Couldn't work out what all the loud music, jumping and banging was. Turns out ir was dancing on the ceiling...
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £70m
In 1980, while Kenny Rogers was hot on the charts, I stepped off a bus, when one of my boots fell apart at the bottom.
Without thinking, I said to myself, audibly, 'You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.....'
Without thinking, I said to myself, audibly, 'You picked a fine time to leave me, loose heel.....'