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Jokes Thread

Hippy walking through a park kicked an old lamp and lo and behold a genie popped out, the genie told the hippy “as you kicked the lamp instead of rubbing it I can only grant you 1 wish”
The hippy couldn’t believe his luck and said “hey gypsy man, I wanna be up tight, outta sight and in the groove”

So the gypsy turned him into a tampon
 
The year is 2222, and a human couple are taking their first trip to Mars. While there, they meet two Martians and the four of them get talking. They discuss the differences between Earth and Martian politics, technology, society - until finally the conversation turns to sex. "Just how do you Martians do it?" asks the woman. "Pretty much the way you do," respond the Martian couple. After a few drinks, the four of them decide to try out a wife swap and check into a Martian motel. The human woman and the Martian male disappear into the first available room, and he strips instantly to reveal his teeny, weenie willy, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," sighs the woman. "It's just not long enough." "No problem," bleeps the Martian, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his willy grows another inch, until it's really quite impressive. "That's definitely an improvement," says the woman, "but it's still pretty narrow..." Immediately, the Martian starts pulling his ears. With each tug, his willy widens until he measures up nicely. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "that's the biggest I've seen". And they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples meet up with their partners and go their separate ways. "How was it for you?" the man asks his wife. "I hate to say it," she replies, "but it was pretty mind-blowing. How about you?" "Horrible," he replies. "She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
 

Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Gepetto, the carpenter who made him... Gepetto asks how he is getting on with his girlfriend. "Not bad," Pinocchio says, "but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters." "Don't worry," says Gepetto, "I'll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should sort out the problem." A few weeks later, they meet again. "How are things with your girlfriend now?" asks Gepetto. "Who needs a girlfriend?" Pinocchio replies.
 
Paddy has a skinful in the pub. Gets up to go home but its pouring with rain. 'Wait till it stops' his mates say but Paddy's determined to go. He goes out the door and a minute later there is the squeal of brakes and a thud. His mates rush out and Paddy is lying in the road. 'Get me the Rabbi' he moans and again 'get me the Rabbi'. He's confused, must have banged his head his mates thought. 'You mean the Priest Paddy' they said. 'No' says Paddy, 'get me the Rabbi, I'm not having the priest come out on a night like this'.
 


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