Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......Chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat barstard, I was talking to the cat!'
'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......Chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat barstard, I was talking to the cat!'
| Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says, "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nuts. We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"? |
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
WARNING FOR ICY CONDITIONS
A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:
Shovel
Blankets or Sleeping Bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food and drink
De-Icer
5 Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
Tow rope
5 gallon petrol can
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads
@Kurt looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!
A government warning has said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:
Shovel
Blankets or Sleeping Bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food and drink
De-Icer
5 Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
Tow rope
5 gallon petrol can
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads
@Kurt looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !!!!!
He started writing these jokes down whilst originally watching the programme when it first aired
No I explained where the jokes came from .....he sadly died of cancer in his 60,s seen better seen worse on this thread tbh
Very nice sentiments there - Not - considering your Thora Heard Joke - where did you get that out of the Beano........
Dandy
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
> "1st - Who was born in a stable?"
> "Red Rum" he replied
> "2nd - What do you think of Damascus?”
> "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
> "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
> "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"
> "1st - Who was born in a stable?"
> "Red Rum" he replied
> "2nd - What do you think of Damascus?”
> "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
> "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?”
> "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!"