Jokes Thread

[Joey66]

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

Yes.' he says..

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the fourking goalkeeper !!!"

 

[Joey66]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank Christ for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the cat ! "

He never even heard the gunshot.

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[JammyP]

 

[Joey66]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.



At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."



A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."





When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.





A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."





If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.





First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ​

 

[Joey66]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!

That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

 

[Joey66]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

 

[Joey66]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."

 

[Joey66]

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

 

[Joey66]

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

 

[Joey66]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that ?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".