Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

Soldier from the Scots Guards goes into the Chemist. Marches up to the counter, takes the most dilapidated contraceptive you've ever seen from his sporran, and says to the Chemist 'how much to repair this?' The Chemist puts on his rubber gloves, picks it up with his tweezers, looks at it and gives a price. 'How much for a new one?' the soldier asks. The Chemist tells him the price of a new one. 'Thank ye' says the soldier and walks out. Next day the soldier comes in again, marches up to the counter, produces the contraceptive from his sporran and announces 'the Regiment have decided to have it repaired'.

 

[Joey66]

Soldier from the Scots Guards goes into the Chemist. Marches up to the counter, takes the most dilapidated contraceptive you've ever seen from his sporran, and says to the Chemist 'how much to repair this?' The Chemist puts on his rubber gloves, picks it up with his tweezers, looks at it and gives a price. 'How much for a new one?' the soldier asks. The Chemist tells him the price of a new one. 'Thank ye' says the soldier and walks out. Next day the soldier comes in again, marches up to the counter, produces the contraceptive from his sporran and announces 'the Regiment have decided to have it repaired'.

I used to work with this old guy - when I was an apprentice he told me the days of when they had thick innertube like ones where they would clean them wash them up and hang on the line .....
he used to say at the barbers he would order a gross and complain the the Barber his weekend was ruined as one short in the pack the was only 143 in the packet...

 

[Joey66]

He then told me this shaggy dog story which i will cut down - in the army he seen a young lady cadet soldier sat down on her own in the corner of the old type dance floor - She was a stunning blonde great figure and he had no luck all night dancing with a good looking female...
He asked her to dance , and off they waltzed together she was beautiful, great personality good dancer etc they were really getting close he was just about to offer to walk her to her billet as the music from the ban stopped he heard a clunking noise ...
I'm awful sorry she said its my wooden artificial leg ...
the lads I was with all got sucked in saying how awful it must have been for him experiencing that moment -
When he piped up you cant have sex with a girl with a wooden leg you no really we were now all sucked in -

No you have to use your Fourkin Richard.......

We threw our cups at him as his story lasted an age....

 

[McBain]

He then told me this shaggy dog story which i will cut down - in the army he seen a young lady cadet soldier sat down on her own in the corner of the old type dance floor - She was a stunning blonde great figure and he had no luck all night dancing with a good looking female...
He asked her to dance , and off they waltzed together she was beautiful, great personality good dancer etc they were really getting close he was just about to offer to walk her to her billet as the music from the ban stopped he heard a clunking noise ...
I'm awful sorry she said its my wooden artificial leg ...
the lads I was with all got sucked in saying how awful it must have been for him experiencing that moment -
When he piped up you cant have sex with a girl with a wooden leg you no really we were now all sucked in -

No you have to use your Fourkin Richard.......

We threw our cups at him as his story last an age....

 

[Kurt.]

He then told me this shaggy dog story which i will cut down - in the army he seen a young lady cadet soldier sat down on her own in the corner of the old type dance floor - She was a stunning blonde great figure and he had no luck all night dancing with a good looking female...
He asked her to dance , and off they waltzed together she was beautiful, great personality good dancer etc they were really getting close he was just about to offer to walk her to her billet as the music from the ban stopped he heard a clunking noise ...
I'm awful sorry she said its my wooden artificial leg ...
the lads I was with all got sucked in saying how awful it must have been for him experiencing that moment -
When he piped up you cant have sex with a girl with a wooden leg you no really we were now all sucked in -

No you have to use your Fourkin Richard.......

We threw our cups at him as his story lasted an age....

What ???????

 

[malcson]

What ???????

Basically you have to use your male appendage to have sex you can't use a wooden leg to do it!

I had to read it about 17 times to make sense of it

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Basically you have to use your male appendage to have sex you can't use a wooden leg to do it!

I had to read it about 17 times to make sense of it

Jesus, try his posts in the EU thread, they're indicepherable.

 

[Philw]

Soldier from the Scots Guards goes into the Chemist. Marches up to the counter, takes the most dilapidated contraceptive you've ever seen from his sporran, and says to the Chemist 'how much to repair this?' The Chemist puts on his rubber gloves, picks it up with his tweezers, looks at it and gives a price. 'How much for a new one?' the soldier asks. The Chemist tells him the price of a new one. 'Thank ye' says the soldier and walks out. Next day the soldier comes in again, marches up to the counter, produces the contraceptive from his sporran and announces 'the Regiment have decided to have it repaired'.

 

[Billysgingham.]

He then told me this shaggy dog story which i will cut down - in the army he seen a young lady cadet soldier sat down on her own in the corner of the old type dance floor - She was a stunning blonde great figure and he had no luck all night dancing with a good looking female...
He asked her to dance , and off they waltzed together she was beautiful, great personality good dancer etc they were really getting close he was just about to offer to walk her to her billet as the music from the ban stopped he heard a clunking noise ...
I'm awful sorry she said its my wooden artificial leg ...
the lads I was with all got sucked in saying how awful it must have been for him experiencing that moment -
When he piped up you cant have sex with a girl with a wooden leg you no really we were now all sucked in -

No you have to use your Fourkin Richard.......

We threw our cups at him as his story lasted an age....

@COYBL25, help is needed please.Could you deceiver.

 

[COYBL25]

@COYBL25, help is needed please.Could you deceiver.

Basically you have to use your male appendage to have sex you can't use a wooden leg to do it!

I had to read it about 17 times to make sense of it

Please see above.

I fear @Joey66 has started skipping his meds again and is well on his way to having one of his episodes.

I`m currently in the process of priming the tranquilliser gun as we speak.

 

[Billysgingham.]

Basically you have to use your male appendage to have sex you can't use a wooden leg to do it!

I had to read it about 17 times to make sense of it

Thanks mate my eyes were starting to sting.

 

[Kurt.]

Please see above.

I fear @Joey66 has started skipping his meds again and is well on his way to having one of his episodes.

He seems to be having more weekly episodes than Emmerdale lately

 

[Joey66]

Please see above.

I fear @Joey66 has started skipping his meds again and is well on his way to having one of his episodes.

I`m currently in the process of priming the tranquilliser gun as we speak.

Well @chrismpw got the joke - its not my fault you lot are slow on the uptake - your smoking to much weed @COYBL25

 

[COYBL25]

Well @chrismpw got the joke - its not my fault you lot are slow on the uptake - your smoking to much weed @COYBL25

You assured us that your new phone had a spell checker ?

Could you please switch it on

* @mods could you thread ban @Joey66 from this thread for the sake of everyone`s sanity.

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband "Darling I have a confession to make, I used to be a hooker".

The husband replied "That's a bit of a shock sweetheart, but it sounds quite exotic. Tell me more".

"Well", she replied, "My name used to be Nigel, and I played for Wigan".