Jokes Thread

summerisle · January 17, 2020

I deleted all the German people I know from my phone.
Now it's Hans free.

chrissyjack · January 17, 2020

I was walking past a pet shop. A sign on the shop front said, 'Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.'
I didn't believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant, "How Dutch is that moggie in the window?

chrissyjack · January 17, 2020

I fell asleep in the chair yesterday, when I woke up someone had put a teabag in my mouth.
I’m not happy.
I hate being taken for a mug.

Billysgingham. · January 18, 2020

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.The nurses were giving her a bed bath when they notice they had a response when washing her private area.They touched her there again and the monitor showed a response again.They went to the husband and explained what had happened, and said to him "As crazy as this sounds a little oral sex could help to bring her out of the coma.The husband was sceptical but they assured him he would have complete privacy. The husband agreed and went into his wives room.After a few minutes the women's monitor flatlined ,no pulse, and no heart rate, the nurses ran back in the room, " What happened " they cried. The husband said" I don't know I think she might have choked".

SpongeBob brown shoes · January 18, 2020

raithrovers94 · January 20, 2020

Little known fact the human fart is louder than a saxophone, I discovered this last week at my granddaughters school concert

raithrovers94 · January 20, 2020

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad not screaming and crying like his passengers

Socrates · January 20, 2020

raithrovers94 said:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad not screaming and crying like his passengers

The old ones are the best.

Kurt. · January 20, 2020

raithrovers94 said:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad not screaming and crying like his passengers

Bob Monkhouse, absolute genius.

raithrovers94 · January 21, 2020

Kurt said:
Bob Monkhouse, absolute genius.

Cheers couldn't remember who it was but could only have been the great bob monkhouse

summerisle · January 21, 2020

What did the Mexican say to his chicken ?
Oh Lay !

Professor Toffee · January 21, 2020

Kurt said:
Bob Monkhouse, absolute genius.

My favourite Bob Monkhouse was

" They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian, well they're not laughing now!

Kurt. · January 21, 2020

Professor Toffee said:
My favourite Bob Monkhouse was

" They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian, well they're not laughing now!

I just loved his jokes, great story teller and improviser.

Mcdrewson · January 21, 2020

Kurt said:
I just loved his jokes, great story teller and improviser.

Watched a programme over Christmas of his last gig. He brought Mike Yarwood on which was also quite poignant. Was like ‘an audience with’ but just for comedians in quite a small venue.

Kurt. · January 21, 2020

Mcdrewson said:
Watched a programme over Christmas of his last gig. He brought Mike Yarwood on which was also quite poignant. Was like ‘an audience with’ but just for comedians in quite a small venue.

When people talk of great comedians he gets sadly overlooked I think, massively underrated by the masses.