Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

When people talk of great comedians he gets sadly overlooked I think, massively underrated by the masses.

His comic timing was absolutely perfect.

 

[Blue 1]

I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.

"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.

"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".

So I lit a cigarette, gave him a quid for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."

 

[tommytowne]

The old ones are the best.

Here's another.
I'm feeling very good in myself because I finished my jigsaw earlier.
Took me three months but on the box it said four to six years

 

[Kurt.]

Went to a Chinese restaurant last night and whilst there I noticed a very old Chinese man sat quietly on his own on a chair in the corner. I politely asked the waiter if the gentleman was ok, “oh yes” he replied, “that’s my grandfather, he doesn’t tend to speak much since the war ended. He was a kamikaze pilot during the battle and his call sign was chow mein”.... I mentioned that I thought kamikaze pilots flew suicide missions, “ah yes” replied the waiter “ but he was chicken chow mein”

 

[Kurt.]

Young lad gets home from school late so his dad says “where you been son?”
Son replies “ with Chantelle”
Dad says “what were you doing”
Son says “studying”
And with that he picks up a snack off the table and says “mmmm, dad , these fish cakes are lovely”
Dad says “wash yer hands lad, they’re doughnuts”

 

[Connor mcloud]

Should call this the recycling thread

 

[Methuselah]

World ice-skating championships. Contestant skates to the middle of the rink and poses, waiting for the music to start. It starts a bit sooner than he expects and he panics, slips and falls on his back, banging the back of his head. Struggling to get up, he slips again and hits the ice with his face, blood everywhere. They come on with a stretcher and carry him off. The chairman of the judges comes on the tannoy and says that the rules mean that they have to go to the judges for the scores. German judge = zero, French judge = zero, American judge = zero, Russian judge = zero, Irish judge = 5.8. The chairman of the judges races over and asks the Irish judge how he can give 5.8. The Irish judge says 'Be fair, its bloody slippy out there'.

 

[scratchnsurf]

Went to a Chinese restaurant last night and whilst there I noticed a very old Chinese man sat quietly on his own on a chair in the corner. I politely asked the waiter if the gentleman was ok, “oh yes” he replied, “that’s my grandfather, he doesn’t tend to speak much since the war ended. He was a kamikaze pilot during the battle and his call sign was chow mein”.... I mentioned that I thought kamikaze pilots flew suicide missions, “ah yes” replied the waiter “ but he was chicken chow mein”

Of the many terrible aspects of this, I can't ignore the fact that Kamikaze pilots were Japanese, Kurt.

 

[Kurt.]

Of the many terrible aspects of this, I can't ignore the fact that Kamikaze pilots were Japanese, Kurt.

Poetic licence

 

[scratchnsurf]

Poetic licence

I've read this thread. You've got well more than 12 points on that licence and really ought to be disqualified.

 

[Sharpattack]

 

[Socrates]

Here's another.
I'm feeling very good in myself because I finished my jigsaw earlier.
Took me three months but on the box it said four to six years

I bet you're here all week.

 

[Philw]

I bet you're here all week.

Only if he hasn't got another jigsaw to complete...

 

[Sharpattack]

 

[Joey66]

In the golfing dressing room after a round of golf all the guys were getting out of their golfing gear, and a mobile telephone rings away on the nearby bench ....
This guy casually answers it and puts it down on speaker phone - A voice asks hi love is it alright if I purchase this £2000 fur coat it fits lovely - sure you can darling no problem replies the guy...
Oh also that red mercedes we viewed last week is still in the showroom can I buy it now - sure honey it was a bargain .....
Oh she then asks the detached house with its own circular drive is reduced to half a million can I buy that seeing you are in a good mood we viewed last week, it is reduced by 5 grand - get in there honey grab it ASAP....

The dressing room is now in awe as the phone call ends ...

The guy who answered the call shrugs his shoulders...

Does anyone know who the hell this mobile phone belongs too?