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Jokes Thread

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips
reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she
insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged,
she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he
had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his New ears..."
 
A farmer went out to his fields one morning and found all of his cows frozen solid. In desperation he began praying for help and suddenly a little old lady appeared beside him. She took a look at the situation and with one wave of her arm defrosted all of the cows and turned on her heels and began to walk away. The farmer, gobsmacked, shouted after her “you answers my prayers, are you an angel ?”
The lady turned around smiling and replied “no love,I’m Thora Hird “
 
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner one evening and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Paddy's flat mate, Joanne was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two of them, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Young Paddy said to his mum, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.


About a week later, Joanne came to young Paddy saying,'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.
So he sat down and wrote--------


Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan from my house.
And I'm not saying that you did not take the frying pan from my house.
But the fact remains that the frying pan has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Paddy


Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read-----


Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Joanne,
And I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Joanne,
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed,

she would have found the frying pan by now.
Love Mum
 

A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.



Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.



This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact she was willing to pay up to £10,000.



Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.



In a few minutes he returned

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

​
 
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?”

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there, removed my underwear and had his way with me

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".


"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.


"Yes", said the lady, "that's it, he WAS an Australian Cricketer".


"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"


"No", she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
 
Joey66 said:
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips
reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she
insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged,
she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he
had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she
had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his New ears..."
Click to expand...
Old one ,but a brilliant one.
 
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it
starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
 
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'



'Nope . . . just when it's raining
 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'



'Nope . . . just when it's raining
 
Back and forth . . .
> . Back and forth . . .
> .
> In and out . . . .
> In and out . . . .
>
>
> A little to the
> right . . . . A little to the left . .
> . .


>
> She could feel the
> sweat on her forehead . . . .
> Between her breasts . . .

> . And, trickling down the small of her
> back . . .
> .

> She was getting near
> to the end . . . !!
>
> He was in ecstasy .
> . . . With a huge smile on his face as
> his wife moved . .
> . . Forward then backward . . .
> .
>
>
>
>
> Forward then
> backward . . . .
>
>
>
>
> Again . . . . And,
> again . . . . !!
>
>
>
>
> Her heart was
> pounding now . . . .
>
>
>
>
> Her face was flushed
> . . . .
>
>
>
>
> She moaned . . . .
> Softly at first, then began to groan
> louder . . .
> .
> Finally . . . .
> Totally exhausted . . . . She
> let out a piercing scream . . .
> .

> She shouted . . . .
> :
>
>
>
>

> "OK, OK, you smug
> [Poor language removed], I can't park this damn thing . .
> . .
>
>
>
>
> You do it . . . .
> !!"
>
>
>
>
 

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