Jokes Thread

[Cels]

​

 

[Milk]

I don’t know whether I’m gay or dyslexic

I’m in Daniel

 

[Milk]

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

"What happened to your face?" I asked.

"I'm a Paralympian," he replied.

"Boxing?" I enquired.

"No..." he said, "... hurdles."

 

[Milk]

"I was reading yesterday that the finger isn't a good test for prostate cancer."

"Zip yourself back up Doc. I'm not falling for that one again."

 

[Milk]

I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse code.

 

[Milk]

Top Tip …

Never post a nude photo of your wife on the internet


Hell hath no fury than a woman porned

 

[Milk]

A man, a stork and a cat walk in to a pub
Man says “I’ll have a pint please barman”
Stork “vodka tonic”
Cat “Whiskey… but I’m not paying”

They have their drinks then leave.
Next night they’re back
“Pint”
“Vodka tonic”
“Whiskey… but I’m not paying”

Rinse, repeat until on the fourth night the barman says to the man: “Sorry but I can’t help but notice that the cat never pays for a round”
The man sighs and says: “ It’s a sad story. A year ago I was having a rummage in the attic when I found an old lamp. Out of habit I rubbed it with the sleeve of my shirt, then POOF a genie appeared and granted me a wish. How was I to know the sod was a bit deaf and thought I wanted a long legged bird with a tight p***y”

 

[notrevE5]

In the corridors of the prison the words " Serial rapist Billy Bob Curtis Junior must die"

the writing was on the wall

 

[Sarnia Kevin]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work...One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early! I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there! If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems! So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them .Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm? "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? ""Nope.........just when it's raining".

 

[Milk]

If anyone has any ideas how to correct cosmetic surgery that went horribly wrong
I'm all ears.

 

[Milk]

First God tells us to go forth and multiply.

Then he tells us not to commit adultery.

Then a virgin gives birth to his son.

Personally, I really don't think he has a clue what he's talking about.

 

[Milk]

I've just bought a log burner. It's useless, it's so much easier to flush the things.

 

[Tommy Chong]

 

[Ihaters]

Still no idea....

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs... and no p***s?
...
Still no fking idea

 

[Vintage]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs... and no p***s?
...
Still no fking idea

Oh dear what a crap joke