Devastated... my hamster is dead, came down this morning to find his cage all smashed up and dented against the wall.... vet said he died at the wheel
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
The Celtic View
Player Valuation: £15m
Did you hear about the autobiography of the two Scottish conjoined twins? It's called Oor Wullie...
Been reading the Beano again, I see lol
Two sex workers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”
They started discussing business and one of the sex workers said, “Yep, it’s gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.” The other sex worker looked at her and said, “No, no. I just burped.”
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
I thought my wife was joking when she told me we were going to watch The Monkees in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.
Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.
Bwana
Player Valuation: £8m
Jeebus wept.
When you finish Peter and Jane I’ll borrow you it
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Resurrecting the Tourette's marching gag.......
What do we want
Acceptance
When do we want it?
Feck Off.
Your reaction is funnier than the joke lollol
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Bishop Thumpety-Thump
Player Valuation: £15m
Two men have just broken into Tiffany's London. Police say they were last seen running just as fast as they can, holding on to one anothers hands.
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Just heard on the news .. The Irish SAS have stormed Dublin zoo and freed all the ostriches
Alanbileysfeathercut
Player Valuation: £80m
Just spent two hours grilling a chicken.....still never said why it crossed the road.