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Jokes Thread

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a F****** duck!"
 
On a construction site, the tower crane operator is tasked with training up one of his colleagues on how to drive it.

So up they go climbing the 150ft or so to the cab. After a couple of hours the trainee admits he's dying for a piss adding that he'd never make the toilets if he had to climb down the crane.

The experienced guy says get out the cab and walk to the end of the jib and tinkle over the edge. So the trainee takes off to the end of the jib.

While the guy is in full flow the operator thinks it'd be funny if he slightly swung the jib and scare his buddy, but he touches the joystick too much and his mate falls to his death.

The HSE attend and take witness statements. A woman in an office block saw everything saying she saw the rapist fall.

The inspector asked why she described him as a rapist. She replied how else would you describe a man flying through the air with his prick in his hand shouting c**t.
 
A coach load of nuns crashed on the motorway with all dead. They subsequently all met Saint Peter at the pearly gates to heaven....

St. Peter to the first nun ...Sister, before you can enter heaven I have to ask you a question, have you ever touched a penis?

The first nun answered....well err, I once touched the very top of one with my little pinky finger.

St Peter...that's ok, just dip your little pinky in the holy water and you can enter the kingdom of heaven

St. Peter to the second nun....Sister, have you ever touched a penis?

The second nun... well I err, once touched one with my whole hand

St Peter to the second nun...that's ok just wash your hands in the bowl of holy water over there and then you can enter the kingdom of heaven

Just then St.Peter looked up as he heard a bit of jostling in the line of nuns waiting their turn and found a Sister Susan had edged to the front...

St.Peter to Sister Susan ...what's all the pushing for there's no rush whatsoever?

Sister Susan to St. Peter...Well if I have to gargle the stuff I wanted to do it before Sister Mary washes her arse in it
 

A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 

An old gag ......

A robber walks into a bank and shouts, "Freeze! Give me all of your cash!"
A brave customer pulls off the robber's mask and says, "I've seen your face now" So the robber shoots him dead.
"Anyone else seen my [Poor language removed] face?" the robber snarls.
There was silence for a moment then somebody pipes up, "I think that gobshite in the Liverpool top might have got a glimpse"
 
An Australian preacher addressing his outback congregation said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Henry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Henry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Henry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Henry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Henry, how is your hearing now?"

Henry answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."
 

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