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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Blue 1
Player Valuation: £70m
A man walks into a pub, orders 12 pints, and starts drinking them as quick as he possibly can.
"Damn", says the bartender. "How come you're drinking so quickly?"
"If you had what I've got, you'd be drinking this quickly, too" came the reply.
"What is it you've got?" asks the bartender.
The man says "75p".
"Damn", says the bartender. "How come you're drinking so quickly?"
"If you had what I've got, you'd be drinking this quickly, too" came the reply.
"What is it you've got?" asks the bartender.
The man says "75p".
Just seen Michael J Fox at the garden centre.
He had his back to the Fuchsia
He had his back to the Fuchsia
A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mum! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mum."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mum! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."
Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mum."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Woman chatting to her mate and suddenly started sobbing saying that her husband had decided to leave her due to her sudden obsession with supermarkets.
She added that it didn't help matters when she asked him did he need help with his packing.
She added that it didn't help matters when she asked him did he need help with his packing.
johnjoeefc
Player Valuation: £25m
Man walks into a pub and there's a white horse sitting at the bar. The man approaches him and asks, 'did you know there's a brand of whiskey named after you.' The horse replies, 'what.... Eric??
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
I have sex daily..........or is it I have dyslexia? can never remember.
Alan Whittle
Player Valuation: £60m
I was at the airport and saw a guy collapse onto the luggage carousel. It was ok in the end. He came around slowly.
This guy took his breaks off every new car he bought- his mate asked why do you keep doing that ?
I don't know "I just can't stop it '
I don't know "I just can't stop it '
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum “ Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think!Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum “ Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think!Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."