Went to the shops in Yorkshire, I asked where I could find towels and was given directions to a bird sanctuary...
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
Bloke walks into a pub with an alligator on a lead.
Barman shrieks get that out of here.
Bloke says but he does tricks. He then gets his tosser out and with the gator's mouth open, sticks his knob in.
The guy gets a piece of wood and whacks the reptile's head and it's mouth rapidly shuts but stops just short of his pecker.
The rest of the pub are amazed. So he says I'll give £500 if anybody dares to have a go.
A guy from the bar says I'll do it but don't hit me too hard with the wood.
Barman shrieks get that out of here.
Bloke says but he does tricks. He then gets his tosser out and with the gator's mouth open, sticks his knob in.
The guy gets a piece of wood and whacks the reptile's head and it's mouth rapidly shuts but stops just short of his pecker.
The rest of the pub are amazed. So he says I'll give £500 if anybody dares to have a go.
A guy from the bar says I'll do it but don't hit me too hard with the wood.
I went into a record shop and started looking through all the album's. I saw one that was called " the sound that wasps make", so I bought it and when I got home I put it on the record player but it didn't sound like wasps, then I realised I was listening to the B side.
Oddball
Player Valuation: £20m
forty scousers walk up to the pearly gates and ask St Peter if they can get into Heaven
St Peter says "we`re a bit full but i`ll go and ask The Big Fella if you can come in"
so off he goes and talks to God
"pick the ten most righteous and they can enter heaven" says God
ten minutes later St Peter comes running back to God out of breath and exclaims "they`re gone" "what, all forty?" says God "no" says St Peter, "the gates. they`re gone"
St Peter says "we`re a bit full but i`ll go and ask The Big Fella if you can come in"
so off he goes and talks to God
"pick the ten most righteous and they can enter heaven" says God
ten minutes later St Peter comes running back to God out of breath and exclaims "they`re gone" "what, all forty?" says God "no" says St Peter, "the gates. they`re gone"
I was sat on the bench in my lovely front garden admiring my plants - a stranger came in with a spade & started to dig some up ......
I reasoned politely with him & to my surprise he replanted them for me ....
Then to my surprise he took a fence ......
I reasoned politely with him & to my surprise he replanted them for me ....
Then to my surprise he took a fence ......
Vintage
Player Valuation: £70m
I decided to put up an electrical fence between me and my neighbour the other day...my neighbour is dead against it
anton66
Player Valuation: £50m
Same lads who took the Pearly Gates?
Ray Purchase
Player Valuation: £6m
American Civil War Jokes?
I General Lee don't find them funny.
I General Lee don't find them funny.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Just mistook a jackdaw for a crow. A rooky error.
Went to the doctors this morning and told him my throat feels like I’ve been swallowing knives and forks, he took a quick look and said “hmmm, it looks like we’ll have to take utensils out”
scratchnsurf
Player Valuation: £40m
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
A carrot.
Next door neighbour was out walking earlier when someone tried to shoot him with a starting pistol.
Police think it could be race related
Police think it could be race related