Jokes Thread

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

A couple had been married for 40 years and he managed all of the money. He told his wife that he did not ever want her to look inside the safe. One day, when he was away her curiosity got the best of her and she looked into the safe and found £10,000 and three eggs. When her husband returned home, she told him what she had done. He said, "I told you never to look inside the safe!" She answered, "Too bad, I did. But I don't understand what the 3 eggs are doing in the safe." The husband said, "Well, to be perfectly honest, I put an egg in the safe every time I have an affair with another woman." The wife said, "I am not pleased about that but, then again, I suppose 3 times in 40 years is not all that bad." The man answered, "I should also tell you that when I get a dozen eggs, I sell them........"

 

[summerisle]

 

[summerisle]

 

[kev]

When David Beckham's lad first arrived at training for Brentford, he asked "What number shirt am I?"
The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo”

 

[summerisle]

 

[Milk]

My boss called me in to his office today and said "do you know why I called you in here?"
I said " is it because I accidentally sent you a dick pic"

He stopped pouring 2 glasses of wine and said "Accidentally?"

 

[Noisy noise annoys]

true dat

 

[Street end man]

Poor Sean in March?

 

[tommytowne]

Out of the blue the other day, my wife said she was going to get costs for a breasts enlargement procedure.
Horrified at the thought of the cost I suggested she rub toilet paper over her boobs.
She said that wouldn't work but I said we'll it's worked with your arse.

 

[Milk]

You know where you are in your state of marriage when the wife whispers “You’re on a promise this weekend”

and you’re thinking: “Wonder if it’s a mixed grill”

 

[terryefc]

American goes to Everton - sees a bloke and says 'excuse me friend - do you know where Everton football ground is?'
Bloke says 'yes pal, it’s just up there. There’s a long queue and a short queue, don’t go in the long queue that’s the chippy'.

 

[Milk]

A Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) teacher enters the classroom with a banana.

He says, "Boys and girls, today I will teach you how to put on a condom…….

….. I brought the banana because I can't get an erection on an empty stomach."

 

[Milk]

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club.
He's tall, superhot, and seems different to most guys she's met.

They arrive at his place and head straight to the bedroom and she immediately notices a shelf unit full of teddy bears.
On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle there are medium-sized bears, and the top full of large teddies; all neatly displayed in rows.

She now begins to think that he's sentimental, sensitive and sweet and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she feels an overwhelming urge to give him the best night of his life.

She therefore starts off by giving him a porn-style sloppy blowjob before offering use of the other two holes....in fact she completely gives her all to the session!

In the morning, she's slowly dressing and noticing him waking, so asks: "How was that?"
He yawns and replies: "Not bad at all. Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

 

[Milk]

Did you know that moles are very sensitive to the smell of man and that the only way, if you want to catch one, is to rub your fingers in a woman’s froo froo?

Now it so happens that we have a mole causing havoc in our lawn pushing up hills all over the place and making a mess.

Anyway, when I came down this morning, I saw my wife in her nightdress with her back to me stirring porridge over the cooker.
Thinking I’d get in her good books by trying to catch the mole, I ran my hands up beneath the nightdress …..
Guess what she said ……














”Morning, Vicar. You’re early”

 

[summerisle]