Jokes Thread

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

I’ve invented a thought controlled air freshener. I know it sounds ridiculous but it makes scents when you think about it.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce leaf?
A Chicken Ceaser Salad......

 

[MrPerfectNot]

What did the fish say when he hit his head on a wall?

Dam.

 

[Milk]

I lost a bet and agreed to sneak into the zoo at night to have sex with many different animals.

I don't know what came over me.

 

[Sticky Toffee Pudding]

Whats a 100 yards long and stinks of piss, a corridor in a old people's home.

 

[Swartzy]

A man walks into a bar


"OUCH" !!

 

[anton66]

I went to the doctor and told him I constantly have diarrhea but it’s hereditary. He said it can’t be hereditary. I told him it’s in my genes.

 

[Milk]

Life could be worse …….. you could be egg

Get laid once
Get smashed once
And the only bird to sit on your face is your mum

 

[Swartzy]

How do you know when your plane's landed at Heathrow

You can still hear the whining once the pilots turned the engine off

 

[summerisle]

lol

 

[Kurt.]

I went to the doctor and told him I constantly have diarrhea but it’s hereditary. He said it can’t be hereditary. I told him it’s in my genes.

Runs in the family

 

[Kurt.]

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ?


Nobody ever paid to have a lentil on their face …

 

[Milk]

The Pope and Rishi Sunak are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The PM and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, Rishi says to the Pope, "Did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?"

The Pope doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Conservative in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive, but did you know that, with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Sunak seriously doubts this and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope punched him.

 

[tommytowne]

What's the most scary plant?

Bam BOO!

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Just asked the woman in my local book shop if Prince Harry’s memoirs are available to download.
She said, ‘do you want the PDF file?’
I said, ‘no thanks, that’s his uncle.’