Jokes Thread

[Milk]

A Scottish Sergeant Major, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' the Scotsman asks the chemist.
"Five pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

He painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scotsman marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one

 

[Sadken]

What do you call a girl who is good at darts ? .........Aimy.

 

[summerisle]

We've all been there.

 

[Nobby Nobbs]

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique.

 

[Milk]

You can‘t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

 

[d34noj]

You can‘t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

Brilliant

 

[Vintage]

Moose

 

[McBain]

 

[Blue 1]

Q: What do you call a magician that's lost his magic?


A: Ian.

 

[Tommy Chong]

 

[Milk]

I use to go out with a Welsh girl with 36 double D’s













I could never pronounce her name

 

[Milk]

BREAKING NEWS:

"15 year old boy raped by two 18-20 year old girls in woods"









If anyone wants me for the next 2 weeks, I'll be camping in those woods.

 

[BNJ1878]

Got mugged by 6 dwarves earlier today.

Not happy.

 

[Milk]

Dear Sir/Madam, and hundreds of others.

It's amazing, Mr Zuckerberg will allow you to post pictures of classic art breasts which are hundreds of years old, but I post a picture of my hundred year old grannies breasts and I'm 30 days in the slammer. It's one rule for snobby art lovers and another for us who are trying to make a few quid off gran before she snuffs it.

Yours sincerely,

 

[Tommy Chong]