Jokes Thread



Three football supporters – Spurs, Leeds & Everton – are walking through a forest. They come upon a clearing when suddenly God appears in a bright light & says to them “ask me anything & I will give you the answer.”

The Spurs supporter asks, “when will Tottenham win the title”? God responds, “not in your lifetime.”

The Leeds supporter asks, “when will Leeds be promoted”? God responds, “not in your lifetime.”

The Everton supporter asks, “when will Everton win the Carabao Cup?” God responds, “not in my lifetime.”
 

I went for a job at the Royal Mail sorting office yesterday. After the interview I was given a tour of the depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour "What's that machine?"
"That's the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System. It can sort 150,000 letters an hour and it's 99.5% accurate. It's controlled by 12 supercomputers, each of which is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state-of-the-art optical location identification sensors, contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Wembley stadium and it has 200 miles of fibre-optic cable. It cost over £100 million to develop," he boasted proudly.
"What happens to the letters after it's finished sorting them?" I asked.

"We give them to a bloke on a push bike."
 
Husband and wife sitting on the sofa viewing TV on a winters night

Husband : there's nothing really worth watching, its time to head down to the pub, put your coat on dear

Wife: oh great you're taking me with you?

Husband: No, I turned the heat off
 
One day, an old Florida farmer decided he’d walk down to his pond as he hadn’t seen it for a few months. It was the tail end of summer and the fruit was ripe on the trees that he’d planted near the pond so he picked up a bucket on his way.

When he got close, he could hear the sound of girlish voices and laughter. As he came in to view of the pond, sure enough half a dozen young ladies were skinny dipping and splashing about.
Suddenly they saw him and swam in to deeper water.
One woman shouted a him: “ We’re not coming out until you leave!”

”Fine,” said the old farmer “but I’m not here to see you young ladies naked or to make you get out in front of me.”

”Well what are you here for then, you pervert.” Called back the young woman.

The old farmer held up his bucket …

”I’m here to feed the alligators…”




Moral: never underestimate old men (or farmers)
 


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