Jokes Thread

[SiEdmo]

I believe that NZ and Australia retained the Queen as Head of State on the proviso the British taxpayer funds an Antipodean holiday every first Monday in June...so thank you so much!!

back on topic please chaps, hahaha

if these are jokes however they have gone right over my head

 

[chrismpw]

back on topic please chaps, hahaha

if these are jokes however they have gone right over my head

UK public holidays are the joke. We get the fewest in Europe, plus we work the longest hours for the smallest patch of land.

It annoys me even though I'm retired. Full of empathy me!

 

[bigbadjeff]

I retired a month and a half ago. LOVING IT.

 

[PITA]

No idea

He's been having a bit of a dalliance with some other woman. The other woman's corset ended up in the glove box of his car. His wife found it and wasn't happy. He passed it off as he uses it as support when he goes to the gym.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

He's been having a bit of a dalliance with some other woman. The other woman's corset ended up in the glove box of his car. His wife found it and wasn't happy. He passed it off as he uses it as support when he goes to the gym.

Hahahahah FFS.

 

[PITA]

Hahahahah FFS.

Please do not associate me with this joke.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

Please do not associate me with this joke.

It's bloody awful, and was humouring the situation.

 

[PITA]

It's bloody awful, and was humouring the situation.

Hence my disassociation.

 

[Lee Smith]

I just read a very strange story on the BBC website about a dried grape who was caught by his wife having sex with a prune.

Wasn't sure whether to post about it in here, or the Currant Affairs forum.

 

[AndyC]

If you don't pay your exorcist you might get repossessed.

 

[summerisle]

 

[AndyC]

Bert and Maggie were a loving Yorkshire couple, together for 50+ years.

Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots; so, seeing some on sale, he splashed out, put 'em on, and skipped home.

He sauntered into the kitchen and hollered to Maggie: "Aye up Mags! Notice anything different about me, love?"

Maggie turned, looked him over, and replied: "No, nowt."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off, undressed, and strode back into the kitchen, completely starkers, except for the boots.

Again, he challenged Maggie; even louder this time: "Mags! Notice anything different NOW?"

Maggie looked up, eyed him again, and said in her best deadpan: "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
Yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Glowing bright red, Bert yelled furiously: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, YER DAFT BUGGER?"

"Nah; not a soddin' clue" she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW BLOODY BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret responded:

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a bloody hat."

 

[summerisle]

UK public holidays are the joke. We get the fewest in Europe, plus we work the longest hours for the smallest patch of land.

It annoys me even though I'm retired. Full of empathy me!

 

[summerisle]

 

[terryefc]

I got badly sunburned so started taking Viagra.
It doesn't cure it - but it keeps the sheets off my legs.