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****. I should have said 1-1 just to annoy you.
It was cold, freezing and many of you were secretly fuming. But eighty eight seconds is a long time in association football. How boss was that? Sh*t on Spurs. Sh*t right on.
After years of folding over we’ve developed a nice little habit of doing the best teams in the division at L4 4EL. Player mentality and quality is the main reason but Goodison is more alive for these games. We’re apathetic a lot of the time and that’s not a criticism, we just don’t do sponge hand waving and zany behaviour. But when the sh*t is down there’s nowhere with more pissed up and angry dars per square inch than our very own lovely little piece of God’s green earth.
It was a decisive game as we went from a six point deficit behind fourth and a potential mental block about not picking up points from games we should have - to leap frogging our direct opponents into fourth place and feeling a wee bit of Christmas cheer in our souls.
It also ended a pivotal sequence of three tough games from which we took a respectable five points. Which is sound, but we’ve been let down by drawing against lesser opposition and it’s the most pertinent thing that needs addressing over a busy Christmas period.
Away to Stoke is no easy three points for most teams and that’s testament to them stabilising themselves in the top flight and also toeying the [Poor language removed] out of any player that attempts to pass the ball around or do stepovers. Stepovers? [Poor language removed] right off, this is Stoke and there’ll be none of that stuff. Just real men, who spend their weekly wage on fruitys in the pubs and go home to domestic violence their unfortunate tattooed women.
This isn’t no snide moan about how they approach the game though. In fact is right, it pisses a whole host of self-important scrotes off in the Premier League. Apparently Stoke should instruct their players to try and out pass the supposed better teams off the park and then after the inevitable drubbing take a pat on the head off whoever is the Arsenal, Spurs or Liverpool manager. Having nice things said about you on Match Of The Day in defeat usually means you’re either rubbish or sh*thouses, or both.
Playing them is like being put in a snide headlock on dinner hour. Some tit has run up behind you and put you into a vice like grip. You’ve got to deal with it or look a bell. It takes the gel out of your perfectly prepared head that you’d prepared hoping to impress the fit but quiet girl in your class eventually letting you finger her. What you gonna do about it?
It’s easy to play the plucky underdog card with Stoke but in the past four years or so they’ve spent quite big money on players. Certainly the type of money that we’d love some of and would definitely make us more competitive. They also lose points on having that bad fat tragic [Poor language removed] of a scruff in Phil Taylor - the convicted Queen’s honour losing sex pest - being a local resident. Give up the ghost Phil you tit, get yourself a pair of slippers and recede like your hairline into old age.
Stoke itself is a different kind of town suffering from identity crisis. Midlands or North West? I don’t think they’re really arsed and could do without more cheap poor words from yet another internet previewer pointing out how sh*t their place apparently is. The only way to decide if a place is sh*t anyway is to take the Intercity test: you know you’re from a really crap place if the train doesn’t stop there. The bottom line is that you’re insignificant if you’ve got a train station but the 07.09 from Euston doesn’t deem you worthy enough to come to a halt for. Look at all them smug people sneering casually as it flies through your platform and crappy little town at 102mph.
They’re on a really decent run lately which has seen them sneak quietly up the league to sit just three points behind us. For us enthusing over a good start it’s a bit sobering to realise we could end up the weekend in ninth if results don’t go our way. Time to crack on then.
Tony Pullis still pulls the strings. He’s done well but over time when all that spending eventually adds up it might be his undoing. I like him though. He’s already got his first dig in at the referees before the game after meeting the top ref lid to point out how his players are unfairly booked and sent off. You can see Fellaini’s achilles getting raked nice and early here can’t you?
Jon Walters is a consistent performer and from a family of good blues. He’s strong, persistent and effective up front and is one of the reasons why Distin will start at the back. Secondary to the reason that Heitinga is playing sh*te. Crouch or Jones will partner him. They’ll be a pain on set plays but it’s no Adebayor and Defoe and we mustn’t forget that. Apologies, Michael Owen has declared himself fit for the weekend game too. Must be an empty week for the horse-racing then.
The midfield is a very Moyes 2004 style midfield. It won’t give much away, will compete every ball but is lacking the touch of class that can win games. It’s also got Charlie Adam who if allowed to take time out from his current personal duel with gravity will keen to put one over us. The crack cocaine toothed gypsy featured bellwhiff. Matthew Etherington, with the sunken dead eyes of a baghead, adds a bit of skill and pace on the wing.
The defence are big strong and aggressive. If this was the British Bulldog Premier League then we might as well all [Poor language removed] off to bed. No one’s getting past Stoke’s defence. There is a ball involved in this though so as long as we keep it on the floor we’ll get an opportunity or two. We can also mix it and play it long when needed but that won’t be as productive against Stoke as some other teams. Shotton got sent off last week so he won’t play but I really can’t be arsed researching who is likely to come in and replace him if I'm being honest. Not that you’ll be too arsed either I hope. Begovic is a decent keeper though – underrated for the league – and he’ll try and keep out the end product of the all singing all dancing royal blue roadshow.
Jelavic needed that slot. The celebration was very Everton indeed with loads of lids going mental and some unfortunately fella losing his bright blue woolly hat. It’s expected by some that he’ll slip right back into groove and returning to sexing opposition goals but it’s likely it will take some time. That goal will keep the media vultures from the door for the time being anyway.
Fellaini had a quiet game largely due to a really effective game from Sandro and their centre halves. Stoke also have the tools to deal with him in the air and aggressively but there’s some magic in those boots and ace things can happen. At the worst it frees up space for some of our other attacking players. Fellaini’s aerial prowess will come in particularly handy at dealing with their set plays too.
Mirallas seemingly has hamstrings made out of blue tac. Shame as he looked boss in the first half, can’t see him starting this though which leaves us a problem. The reaction to Naismith starting on the right would be not dissimilar to a NHS receptionist being asked to take a reverse charges trunk call this week. Oviedo is much more effective on the left but it’s counter productive to move Pienaar from there. Personally I’d like to see Ross Barkley given a game there as we should be able to out football Stoke but all will be revealed, ie Naismith, an hour before kick off.
Gibson is the man of the moment. While all the media are spaffing over Fellaini as a set of supporters we know a player. And Gibson is certainly a player. As comfortable and in control as an arl pair of boxies we’re starting to see his range of passing too which cut Spurs’ right hand side up time after time. I think the best compliment I can give him – apart from he has about three years of hair left – is that he would have been a bargain for the same price in 1983. Keep it up lar.
Osman had one of his lesser effective games and was subbed, he’ll start rightfully though. As will Pienaar who has showed some signs in the past few games that he might re-thaw from his crap form iceblock he’s been running round the pitch in for the past few months.
Distin and Jagielka is the best option at the back right now. They work well together and look most likely to give us a long sought after clean sheet. Baines will play on the left and Coleman had a really good game on his return to the team, even showing his evolution in the defensive side of his game. Stoke’s left hand side won’t relish him running at them time and time again like an off the leash too eager dog on Freshfields beach.
Every time Tim Howard steps foot off his line he tends to get lobbed either by poor positioning or some weird lucky deflection. It does my head in every inch as I reckon it does his in. There’s no one else to come in so it is pretty much what it is for the time being.
A dramatic win against a credible top four rival rekindles second half of season daydreams about really competing for something worthwhile. As Everton should. With the absence of a crystal ball it’s prudent to take it one game at a time and a win here would be as equally significant as turning over Spurs. Stoke don’t lose too many games at home.
That fourth place has more potential suitors than a fit Mormon girl. We got to stop f*cking around and start making it ours.
