Strange or funny things which happened in work

[random]

The Chief Constable is not Happy
(1980's)


Back in the 80's if you had an average car and had the stones to try to get it over 100 mph you were always watching to see if the doors started flapping, or that they possibly become detached from your vehicle, or even that the engine simply went bang, things were that basic.

It was exciting driving fast though, there was a great sensation of speed, no airbags, SRS, ABS, they usually drum brakes at the rear and handling that felt like a rowing boat on the open sea, yep, exciting to drive. No doubt about it. So whenever the chance presented itself to drive one with a bit of ooomph and especially if your own car was a P.O.S. then you took it.

I mentioned in a previous post about a mechanic who was filling the managers bicycle with sand, yeah this is him again.

Anyways at this particular garage I worked at we were next door to a police station, and often we would have some of their vehicles in to put on the specialist diagnostic machine (there is more computing power in a calculator tbh) and any repairs that were over and above servicing (which they did themselves). Now when the force wanted you to work on their cars no expense was spared, whatever it needs do it. Always nice when you get that sort of business and it's not something you want to lose. Open chequebooks for car repairs......


When we worked on the police cars back then, there were a some rules we absolutely had to adhere to, a couple of them being....

1. When road-testing a vehicle the blue lights must be covered up (we had a special bag to put on them)
2. do not turn on the lights or the siren


This upset the mechanics because even nowadays pressing buttons, setting lights and sirens going is just something that has to be done. The guys couldn't play with the sirens as we were too close to the station, the lights still got a check over in the workshop though.


Anyways after working on the vehicle, the mechanic jumps in the cop car and off he goes on road-test, after roughly half an hour comes back, all ok, he says the car is fixed, drops it off next door and that's that.


Until we get contacted by the Police......

Unknown to us at the garage, the mechanic whilst on his road-test decided to see if he could get up to 130mph which was getting close to top snot in the car, he was bombing down the motorway giving the car a damn good thrashing, whilst the blue lights are going and giving the occasional blast on the sirens. He thought it was the perfect opportunity as there was no way he would be pulled over for speeding

One of the cars he overtook when he was doing his sweeney impersonation just happened to be the Chief Constable being chauffeured away from a meeting he had been attending. To say the Chief Constable was a tad miffed watching someone barrel past him at over a ton in one of his cars, lights and sirens going full pelt, launch up the slip-road, spin round and barrel back towards the station for no discernible reason whatsoever was an understatement and he demanded answers and someone's head on the block.

Apparently he was especially unhappy when he found out it wasn't one of his own caning the car up the motorway.


Explanation from the mechanic which was presented to the Chief by way of apology...


One of the complaints about the car was a juddering at 115mph, the mechanic had balanced the wheels and had to road-test it at high speeds to ensure it was fixed in the manner that the boys in blue needed. There was no point testing at lower speeds as the juddering wasn't happening

He took the bag off and had the lights going to warn other road users that he was approaching them from behind at speed for safety purposes

He also used the siren as a safety precaution when approaching other vehicles in case they didn't see the lights.

So he was doing his utmost to stay safe whilst ensuring he fixed the vehicle to the standards required for the police. The apology letter was a bit more grovely and went on to point out how great we had been and without previous incidents for however many years, but you catch the drift.


(One thing you will notice about vehicle mechanics is that when they do something wrong, and they do, so very often, that there is always a justifiable reason as to why something happened and if you really look closely enough it actually wasn't their fault..... ever)


In the end Chief said we could continue fixing the cars but we were on a final warning about sticking to the rules of both the station and the rules of the road when in their cars.

Didn't matter too much anyway, as about six months later they changed to a different manufacturer so we couldn't do their work anymore.


I have to sort of give a backdrop to these so you can picture the scenario and get the context of the situation, technology and working methods, which were a whole lot different to today, posts too long ? shall I condense any other ones right down ?

 

[Aberblue]

The Chief Constable is not Happy
(1980's)


Back in the 80's if you had an average car and had the stones to try to get it over 100 mph you were always watching to see if the doors started flapping, or that they possibly become detached from your vehicle, or even that the engine simply went bang, things were that basic.

It was exciting driving fast though, there was a great sensation of speed, no airbags, SRS, ABS, they usually drum brakes at the rear and handling that felt like a rowing boat on the open sea, yep, exciting to drive. No doubt about it. So whenever the chance presented itself to drive one with a bit of ooomph and especially if your own car was a P.O.S. then you took it.

I mentioned in a previous post about a mechanic who was filling the managers bicycle with sand, yeah this is him again.

Anyways at this particular garage I worked at we were next door to a police station, and often we would have some of their vehicles in to put on the specialist diagnostic machine (there is more computing power in a calculator tbh) and any repairs that were over and above servicing (which they did themselves). Now when the force wanted you to work on their cars no expense was spared, whatever it needs do it. Always nice when you get that sort of business and it's not something you want to lose. Open chequebooks for car repairs......


When we worked on the police cars back then, there were a some rules we absolutely had to adhere to, a couple of them being....

1. When road-testing a vehicle the blue lights must be covered up (we had a special bag to put on them)
2. do not turn on the lights or the siren


This upset the mechanics because even nowadays pressing buttons, setting lights and sirens going is just something that has to be done. The guys couldn't play with the sirens as we were too close to the station, the lights still got a check over in the workshop though.


Anyways after working on the vehicle, the mechanic jumps in the cop car and off he goes on road-test, after roughly half an hour comes back, all ok, he says the car is fixed, drops it off next door and that's that.


Until we get contacted by the Police......

Unknown to us at the garage, the mechanic whilst on his road-test decided to see if he could get up to 130mph which was getting close to top snot in the car, he was bombing down the motorway giving the car a damn good thrashing, whilst the blue lights are going and giving the occasional blast on the sirens. He thought it was the perfect opportunity as there was no way he would be pulled over for speeding

One of the cars he overtook when he was doing his sweeney impersonation just happened to be the Chief Constable being chauffeured away from a meeting he had been attending. To say the Chief Constable was a tad miffed watching someone barrel past him at over a ton in one of his cars, lights and sirens going full pelt, launch up the slip-road, spin round and barrel back towards the station for no discernible reason whatsoever was an understatement and he demanded answers and someone's head on the block.

Apparently he was especially unhappy when he found out it wasn't one of his own caning the car up the motorway.


Explanation from the mechanic which was presented to the Chief by way of apology...


One of the complaints about the car was a juddering at 115mph, the mechanic had balanced the wheels and had to road-test it at high speeds to ensure it was fixed in the manner that the boys in blue needed. There was no point testing at lower speeds as the juddering wasn't happening

He took the bag off and had the lights going to warn other road users that he was approaching them from behind at speed for safety purposes

He also used the siren as a safety precaution when approaching other vehicles in case they didn't see the lights.

So he was doing his utmost to stay safe whilst ensuring he fixed the vehicle to the standards required for the police. The apology letter was a bit more grovely and went on to point out how great we had been and without previous incidents for however many years, but you catch the drift.


(One thing you will notice about vehicle mechanics is that when they do something wrong, and they do, so very often, that there is always a justifiable reason as to why something happened and if you really look closely enough it actually wasn't their fault..... ever)


In the end Chief said we could continue fixing the cars but we were on a final warning about sticking to the rules of both the station and the rules of the road when in their cars.

Didn't matter too much anyway, as about six months later they changed to a different manufacturer so we couldn't do their work anymore.


I have to sort of give a backdrop to these so you can picture the scenario and get the context of the situation, technology and working methods, which were a whole lot different to today, posts too long ? shall I condense any other ones right down ?

Don't omit a word or you'll ruin it.

 

[random]

Don't omit a word or you'll ruin it.

Sarcasm ? lol

 

[Aberblue]

Sarcasm ? lol

Not at all.

 

[random]

The Cure of the Masturbating Apprentice
(1980's)


Different garage to the one previously mentioned, same era but a bit more back-street


Apprentices were always good for a laugh, they always got nicknames within a week or so (Spud, Ming, Jesus or whatever sprung to mind when you were dealing with them). I was thinking to maybe do all the apprentice stories in one post but Ming is better suited to the Gearbox vs Face tale, so we will come to him later on.

This is about Mr Spoons (so called because he had ears that were perpendicular to his head, like a pair of tablespoons.) And again, I would point out that 30+ years ago we all got nicknames some of which would absolutely be considered rude/offensive/borderline abuse nowadays.


In this particular garage, just off the workshop was a little room, maybe 5x5 with a sink, and a door leading to a small toilet. The mechanics used this sink to wash their hands, so you can imagine that it looked like an explosion in a swarfega factory.

I have tried to draw a plan so you can picture the scene.....





T = toilet
s = sink
red = doors
green = fire door to outside
brown line = toilet window


the toilet had some sort of box thing between it and the wall, something like this.



not as fancy but you can understand what I mean.

The mechanics had unscrewed the top and hid a couple of porno mags (Razzle, Men Only etc) in there for something to read while they were having a dump. You internet age kids have it easy, porn in the 80's was either the real thing, magazines or your imagination.

So one day a mechanic (who will also make an appearance later on in 'where does this bit go ?') actually thinking about it, after dealing with 100's of mechanics over the years its always a select few that cause the carnage...

Anyways the mechanic is in the junk area making it even more of a 'trip hazard style' obstacle course than it already was, when he glances through the partially open toilet window and sees the back of Mr Spoons who apparently had found the magazine stash and was rubbing a quick one off.

so after consulting with the rest of the team a lesson had to be administered to the young toad.

Introducing the bar, a box section steel tube, maybe 8 - 10 feet in length that was in the corner of the shop and used as an oversize pry bar or wrench extension...




Mr Spoons emerges from the toilet after pleasuring himself, the mechanics place him under citizens arrest, insert the steel bar through the arms of his overalls and then positioned him in the middle of a ramp, set the bar ends onto the ramp legs and sent Mr Spoons up in the air suspended like he was crucified.

It wasn't too long, they only left him up there for about half an hour or so, but each time a mechanic walked past the suspended Mr Spoons they shouted at him "are you a dirty little pervert" and he had to shout in reply "yes I am a dirty little pervert"


And he had to replace the magazines that he had soiled


Apprentices...... lol

 

[degsy]

If you know any mechanics you will notice that they usually end up with some spare nuts, bolts and washers after doing a job. Rather than throw them away the mechanics keep the oddments in case they are needed for another repair. Over the years the collections can get quite large.

We had an older mechanic who had quite a large plastic tub/container full of bits and bobs and he seemed to be quite proud of his not-refitted-back-on-the-car-they-came-off collection, looks a bit like this......


View attachment 114205

So when he went on holiday for a week, the other lads emptied his container, cut around the inside of the base, rested and secured the sides back and proceeded to refill with all the crap.

When he came back to work, later on that day the lads 'decided' to have a bench cleaning session, so of course the older mechanic grabs the sides of his big plastic tub and heaves it up (knowing how heavy it was)

Not sure which surprised him more, nearly snotting himself in the face with what was just the sides of his tub, or the 1,000's of his washers, nut bolts and bits scattering in all directions

Cruel place the motor trade

Spoiler: other misdemeanours

Stuff is always funnier when you are there rather than describing it years later on a forum, so not sure if any would be funny enough to post, also I don't want to spam the thread, but I probably have about 30 or so situations that have happened over the years, things such as.....

The Toilet Tippers
The Chief Constable is not Happy
The Cure of the Masturbating Apprentice
Where Does this Bit Go ?
The Flying Lotus
The Birthday Stripper
Gearbox vs Face
That's not my number plate !
Customer Gets Blackeared
Your Gay Porn Mag has Arrived
My Parrot is Dead
MOT Testing Jinks
Bonnet on the Roof
It's Snowing in my Jaguar !
The Accountants Daughter is a Dominatrix
Box him up and send him away !
Captain Gough and the Mystery Mileage
Why does the car Smell so bad ?

The 80's & 90's in the motor trade was interesting at times......

Let me know if you want me to keep posting

Publish and be damned...especially the masturbating apprentice and the Dominatrix.
It's alway gold to see how other people see my hobbies
Edit
Oh, you did...retracts everything

 

[Daveysgingerlovechild]

Worked at a company where there was almost a tradition for dirty protests to take place in the men's lavatory once someone had let go. One fella smeared faeces around every wash basin. Another wrote a rather long rant on the wall in poo. Can only think there was a look out.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

The old favourite of when someone nips out the shower for a pee,turn it to cold.
Or flick the shower to cold mid shampoo.
Or the old shower gel in hair trick/ never ending suds.
Our showers at work are open cubicles in a row.

Before showers in our place you could rig up a hot bath using steam pipes old tanks etc.
Unfortunately we use powder or liquid dyes which are so concentrated a thimble full would stain your skin, of course it happened.

 

[the golden visionary]

I've got a video but I don't think I'll be able to post it here

 

[random]

I've got a video but I don't think I'll be able to post it here

What does it involve ?

In fact, naw doesn't matter, it'll be fine honestly, get it uploaded

 

[canuckblue]

Back when I was 17, more than 40 years ago now, I delivered pizza on the weekends for spending money. It's a job 'd recommend to any teenager as it involves responsibility, handling money and -- most important -- dealing with the public. And sometimes the public was just downright hilarious, as consecutive deliveries on New Year's Eve aptly demonstrated.
The family owned pizza shop I worked for had expanded the delivery area for that night so I was fairly busy. One delivery was to the extreme end of the area and it was just for a small pizza, with no other deliveries nearby to make the trip worthwhile. Grudgingly, I went, and when I got the the apartment building I rang the apartment buzzer to be let it. After doing so several times, a groggy voice asked who it was and I replied. Got into the building, went up to the 10th floor and knocked on the door. Several times. Finally the same voice asked who it was. Again I said who I was. The guy came to the door and had barely done up his bathrobe when some bird's voice called out, "Honey, who is it? Come back to bed." The guy handed me a $20 -- the pizza was only $4 (remember, this was 1979) and I thought, "Damn, the change will use up all of my float" -- when he told me to keep the change. I was in the elevator faster, thankfully, than he could undo his robe and thought that would be the best run of the evening. Just how wrong I would be was soon made clear.
The next delivery went to a house where the upper floor had been converted into an apartment, so the front doors to both were side by side, with the apartment door leading to a set of stairs. Hit the doorbell and soon this bird starts coming down the stairs. Now the door had a window with a thin white curtain that I could see through, sort of, and I remember remarking to myself that this girl was stacked, given by how tightly her peach-coloured T-shirt was clinging to her. Turns out it wasn't a T-shirt at all. Instead, I opened the door and there she was, topless and wearing a pair of thigh-high leather boots and a studded dog collar. She asked, with a grin, "What are you doing after work?" I was about to say "Nothing" until I looked past her up the stairs and saw what had to be her boyfriend, similarly attired but holding a small whip or riding crop in his hand. Switching my gaze between that and her very nice cleavage all I managed to stammer out was, "I'm going to mass." And I'm not even Catholic. Got back to the store pissing myself laughing for an hour. Nick (the owner) must have thought I was high.

 

[4737carlin]

When I left school my first job was a YTS on a golf course, when i got there for a quick chat with the boss a few days before starting he was in the shed with one of the lads.
He asked me who I support, now I figured if they were reds id get stick, so I told him I'm not interested in football, turned out he was the only blue. However for the 13 months I worked there whenever the lads talked football I kept quiet as I didnt want to give the game away I lied when was first asked about it.
Moving on the boss was a nightmare, so I left, however few years later when we won the FA cup in 95 I couldnt afford to go so watched it on TV and after the final whistle the camera went to the crowd and zoomed in on him celebrating!

 

[random]

Where Does this Bit Go ?
(1980's)

Same garage as last time.

Before I get into this one I should do a little explaining about how a car manufacturers warranty works for a bit of background.

A new car warranty is an open check book for dealerships, subject to certain rules and criteria they can pretty much do what they want to your car and send the invoice to the manufacturer. However the manufacturers don't trust that car dealerships are all 100% honest and trustworthy (dunno why ?) so by way of back up, all dealers are subject to warranty audits to make sure they have done work that is justified warranty work and has been done in accordance to the rules stipulated. Anything that isn't correct results in claw backs, the biggest I heard of was just £90K for a years worth of claims, but tbh if a service manager cannot do a warranty fiddle correctly he shouldn't be in the job imo (allegedly). The pen is mightier then the spanner as they say. There is also a lot of paperwork the mechanics have to do on the job sheets, check chassis numbers, write mileages down etc (*remember this bit when we come to the tale of Captain Gough and the mystery mileage), write-ups of work carried out and so on.

One of the warranty repair rules is regarding displaced parts, some manufacturers wanted them all sending back the following week after a warranty claim, others wanted them saving for say three months then disposing of if not asked to be sent back to the manufacturer for inspection, others might want them kept for a year depending on the value of the claim, loads of different rules. So in effect in dealerships, all the parts departments ended up with loads of used parts shoved in a corner, supposedly labelled up with the car details they came off, to be dealt with accordingly. Yeah because that happens, it always ends up being a pile of dirty parts no one wants to deal with. Remember this pile of old parts....


Gearboxes....

In the 80's if you have a noisy gearbox it was removed and the bearings replaced (nowadays they usually just lob another gearbox in the car). When the gearbox is stripped down the mechanic would replace all the bearings and seals rather than just the noisy one, he would look at the gears and if any were not that clever then they would be replaced as well while the box was stripped.


Picture of gearbox bearings and gears on shaft for reference, so you understand roughly what the repair entails




The mechanic would remove shafts, gears, rings etc put them on his bench in order, swap the defective ones and rebuild. After doing so many gearbox repairs, some mechanics would get a bit cocky and not bother laying them out in order but just make a pile of them prior to rebuild, y'know, to show how good at gearbox rebuilds they were.


So onto the scenario........


Enter our mechanic who found the young 'un playing with himself earlier in this thread. The mechanic was a 'I can do this with my eyes closed' type of guy, and he let all the others know it. Most firms have at least one of them. One of the other mechanics wasn't his greatest fan, in fact he hated his guts, so mechanic number two visits the parts department, selects a gear from a previous warranty gearbox repair and puts it in the box of bits that mechanic number one had ready to rebuild out on his bench.




Everyone else knew what was going on, the mechanic doing the rebuild ended up with a spare gear, stripped the train down again and had another go. Still ended up with a spare gear. No matter what he did it always ended up with an extra bit left over, usually a different bit each time. Frustration was creeping in....

We could see he was getting more incandescent the more he tried to rebuild the box without having a part left over, honestly I thought he was going to pop a vein in his forehead if he kept going the way he was. Tools were getting slammed down, lots of swearing, you know how it is when someone is in the red zone ? great fun and awesome to watch.

The following day mechanic number one is still at it when number two starts ripping into him saying how crap he was at gearbox repairs, mechanic number one still not fully calmed down from the previous day, blows and tells mechanic number two 'f'ing you do it if you are so good'. Obviously mechanic number two slips the extra gear into his pocket and proceeds to put the gear train back together in double quick time, much the annoyance of mechanic number one. Who was still confused and embarrassed about it for months afterwards


So if you are ever rebuilding anything and you have something left over, make sure you haven't won an extra bit from one of your colleagues..

And on the flip side, if you ever get the chance to drop an extra piece that looks like its part of a repair into the mix then do it, its great fun.

 

[random]

The Flying Lotus
(1980's)

Lets go back to apprentices, they are all petrol heads and they are practically having a sex wee when they get the chance to sit in strange cars, start them and press the buttons and switches. Now obviously garages don't let apprentices drive customers cars, but the lads are usually taking driving lessons as soon as they can, so they do know one end of a car from another (just). When a car was being MOT tested someone has to sit in and work the steering, operate lights, press the brakes. Rather than use a mechanic to do this, it was always the job of the apprentice, mechanics wouldn't earn the dealership money while they are sat in a car on a ramp. As long as apprentices didn't put the car in gear when it was running and six feet in the air things were safe enough, or were they......


So we had a guy bring in his Lotus Éclat (I think it was) for MOT, this thing was minty mint and obviously his pride and joy. Polished every day and no expense spared by the look of things. It was so clean the MOT tester even put a seat cover on before jumping into it.

So onto the MOT test being carried out, car was 6 feet in the air, sat on the flat ramp. mot tester underneath checking the car, tells the apprentice to make sure the car is in 'park' (it was an auto) and start the car.

Unfortunately, and to be fair, it wasn't 'exactly' the lads fault. But he started it in drive, now I know there are things called inhibitor switches on automatics to prevent this sort of thing happening, but the inhibitor switch was defective (according to the owner he was not aware of this) and as the apprentice started the car he blipped the throttle (as folks do), the Lotus accelerated and launched itself off the ramp complete with apprentice soiling his knickers, and ended up with the bonnet buried in the MOT testers desk which was in front of the ramp, and the back end of the car hanging by a smidgen on the ramp edge. The MOT tester rooted to the spot looking up in the air at the ceiling where the missing car was supposed to be and the apprentice sat in a state of shock with his nose bleeding profusely all over the guys dashboard. The ramp had little stop bars at the end that were 'supposed' to prevent cars rolling of the ramp, unfortunately this car wasn't gently rolling, it was practically wheel spinning into orbit.

As you can imagine the results of this carnage were way above my pay grade, it went on for ages, insurance companies up the hoohah, car owner, owner of the garage, H&S, DOT, you name it they were forever in out of the place.


Still on the subject of MOT testing...........

MOT Testing Jinks
(1980's - present day)

If you ever get the chance to sit in a car when its being MOT tested there are a few mandatory things that you must do (allegedly)

1. When the tester is aligning the headlight beam tester and is on his haunches lining things up you have to flash the high beam, this is to ensue the tester is blinded by the light (bonus points if you can shout a few words of the song by Manfred Mann when you do it)






2. when the tester has his head under the bonnet and wants you to move the steering wheel from side to side, you need to make sure you check the horn is working, bonus points if the tester whacks his head on the bonnet when he jumps up in shock. Double bonus points if he knows you are going to do it and still get him jumping. To be fair, you can do a horn check whenever someone has their head under a bonnet. try it out and let me know how you get on. (obv if someone is a violent psycho then you may want to reconsider this test procedure ymmv)

3. Some testers have a pin in their overalls to reset washer jet aim if its slightly out, if they are doing the adjustment then whilst they have a pin in the washer jet and are moving it about, try operating the washers, sometimes you can give the tester a good squirt in the face.

4. if the tester is walking behind the vehicle and his head is approaching the exhaust give it a good blast on the accelerator, its especially judicious if the car is a diesel that is driven by an old boy, the clouds of black soot when you floor the accelerator can cover a person if they are not careful and you have timed it correctly

 

[random]

The Birthday Stripper
(late 1990's)

Different garage again, this was a more modern one, it had a customer waiting area that was separated by some large glass panels. The mechanics all loved being in the fishbowl, and as soon as they went on a break or had a cigarette outside, you just knew the owner would be looking at their watch making sure they were not going to be charged the labour for the fag/cuppa break.

Here is a plan of this garage so you can picture the scene that's about to unfold




Light blue is the large glass panels letting the happy customers keep an eye on things
purple lines are doors

So anyways, one of the lads has a birthday coming up, he is also due to get married so we had to plan something, would have been rude not to.

One of the other guys in the workshop was really dodgy, I mean full on dubious, and he said he knew a guy who had strippers available who would do a discount rate for us, £200 for the pair. Everybody chips in and the ladies are booked. tbh I wouldn't have been surprised if he had just trousered the money and disappeared, like I said, he was well dodgy

Come the day of the show, the garage was still open when the ladies and their minder rolled up, it was arranged with about 15 minutes to go before closing, the lads usually didn't like to hang around when it's home time. They would get into the tearoom to finish up & get changed any time between 5 and 5:30 and we needed to make sure birthday boy didn't go home before the entertainment arrived.

When the lads were in the tearoom they got the victim and zip tied him to one of the chairs, the corridor down to the door of the tea room was blocked off for a bit of privacy from that direction once the ladies were escorted into the tea room to do their surprise gig .

It was quite a shock when I walked past the customer area, there was one old boy there with his back to the window, reading his newspaper waiting for his car, and behind him through the windows I could see the birthday boy with his overalls around his ankles, covered in what looked like whipped cream, being chased by a lady wearing nothing but high heels and a thong. The old fella was engrossed in his paper and I was lurking with one eye on the workshop shenanigans and one eye on the customer ready to distract in case he had the urge to check on the progress of his car.

The chasing stripper nearly ended up on her behind a couple of times, given how slippery the workshop floor was. One or two of the other lads briefly followed then returned to the entertainment in the tearoom were the other stripper was still ermm... stripping !

In the end Birthday boy was too quick given the footwear they were both wearing and he made his getaway out to the car park, pulling up his overalls while trying to maintain a decent escape velocity

I found out afterwards the strippers wanted him naked and to do that the zip ties had to be cut off, as soon as the ones around his ankles were cut he jumped up and escaped through the workshop door.

for info...... I wouldn't have needed zip tying down in the first place.