That's really nothing like how it went at all. Here's the transcript:
Juventus: Ciao Mr Brands
Brands: *Heavy breathing*
Juventus: Mr Brands?
Brands: ... uh, huh, hello?
Juventus: Mr Brands! Hi! We were wondering if you would like Mandzukic for one season?
Brands: Hurrgh!. What? Who?
Juventus: Mandzukic, Mr Brands! Top class Croatian striker.
Brands: a/s/l?
Juventus: What?
Brands: Agurrrrr. You know what I'm asking.
Juventus: Oh. Erm, 33, male, Turin.
Brands: nolol. You have any teenagers?
Juventus: Che cosa?
Brands: Adolescente!
Juventus: Um, well we have one but not that we would part with.
Brands: I want him.
Juventus: Mr Brands, I'm sorry but we...
Brands: I shall take him.
Juventus: Mr Brands! This is inapp...
Brands: He is taken.
Juventus: Mr Brands you cannot just claim he is taken and it be so! There is a complex process to a transfer beteween clubs, as you well kno...
Brands: Urghhh! Check Twitter.
Juventus: What? Why would we want to... oh Dio!
Brands: Say it.
Juventus: This cannot be....
Brands: SAY IT
Juventus: "Moist Ken is a bloo"... this cannot be!
Brands: I took him at "Ciao".
Juventus: This is heartbreaking Mr Brands! You cannot do thi...
Brands: He is mine. Now ask me.
Juventus: Ask you what?
Brands: Ask me.
Juventus: Mr brands? I do not know what you are...
Brands: ASK ME!
Juventus: Very well Mr Brands! Very well! What were those sounds?
Brands: Describe the sounds.
Juventus: "uh", "hurrr", "agurrr", etc.
Brands: What would you like to know?
Juventus: You asked me to ask!
Brands: And now tell me.
Juventus: Tell you what?
Brands: Tell me what the sounds were.
Juventus: Mr Brands, you asked me to ask! I have no idea!
Brands: Your boy is mine. I have taken all that you love. Tell me.
Juventus: Mr Brands!
Brands: TELL ME
Juventus: It was you ploughing mia madre wasn't it?
Brands: And I wasn't even erect when I did it.
Juventus: Mr Brands, what you have done seems unnecessary.
Brands: I think you need to speak to your mother.
Juventus: Is she still there.
Brands: Yes (passes phone)
Juve's mum: Mio caro?
Juventus: Mia madre? Is that really you?
Juve's mum: Sì
Juventus: What have you done?
Juve's mum: I've taken it in three holes from Mr Brands while he signed Moise Kean.
Juventus: OH MAMA! WHY?
Juve's mum: You're too young to understand.
Juventus: Did you at least get him to insert a buy back clause?
Juve's mum: Yes, he inserted a buy back clause.
Juventus: Really? Oh well, at least that's some good news.
Juve's mum: Wait, my English is not perfect: when you say 'buy back clause' do you mean nine fingers and a wheel of edam?
Juventus: NO MAMA! I mean a contractual agreement to re-sign Moise in a year or two!
Juve's mum: Ah. No. He just inserted nine fingers and a wheel of edam.
Juventus: MAMAAAAAA!
Brands: Is there a problem?
Juventus: Are you now my papa?
Brands: I'll never be papa. *hangs up*
