Jonny it really is ok to reminisce and reflect on times gone by. It's natural. Just try if possible not to focus on the negative. You've already experienced and come through some deeply upsetting personal experiences and I'm sure you'll be fine to move on. Take care buddy.
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Hi all, I’m a long time member here but I’ve created a new username as I’m more comfortable posting this anonymously.
I’m struggling a little bit at the moment, I’m a father of two children under 4 and have always been a kind of relaxed easy going type. In the last year or so me and my wife have been arguing more and more, I don’t want to make this one sided as I totally understand that I have my faults but I feel like I’m being treated unfairly.
I moved away from home around 15 years ago and all of my friends and family live around 3 hours away, I work full time from home and I mainly work all day then go for a run on an evening once the kids are asleep. My wife is constantly getting on my back to get me to do more things that involve others and to make friends etc, it’s well intentioned as I think she feels it’d improve my mental health but I just don’t have the confidence to do it at the moment. It’s a constant circle of “you need to get out there and do things” etc but I just have this total lack of confidence in doing it, this is by the way made worse by the fact that I have a Welsh name that English people find hard to pronounce which means I get anxious meeting people.
When my wife is in a bad mood she will constantly attack me for little things like leaving things in the wrong place in the kitchen, I am often treading on egg shells because I don’t want to do anything that will set her off on one, as I cannot say anything back without her having a meltdown, I’d rather keep the peace and agree that I’m in the wrong. I have zero confidence in talking to people such as tradesmen etc, this is because when I have arranged and spoken to them in the past and they’ve done a bad job, I get blamed for it for ages, so now she deals with them but makes it clear she’s annoyed that she has to do it.
I sometimes have low days, especially since the pandemic as I have no friends nearby to talk to I tend to go into my own world. When I have these days my wife is really unsupportive and says that i’m making things hard for her and the kids and I should get help etc, in truth I don’t think I need any professional help, I just need time and some support/understanding from her. I also feel like she talks to her friends about how much of a pain I am and turning them and their partners against me.
Just as an example of a typical situation, today a man came to fix our door, when he finished I had a look and told him it was all fine, when my wife had a look there was a small thing that he’d missed so she shouted at me to get him
Back and sort it, I was literally shaking ringing them back and just feel like I cannot do anything right at the moment.
I was just after some advice really, does it sound like I need to change and get help? At the moment I feel like I am the only one in the wrong here.
Thanks Blues.
I’m struggling a little bit at the moment, I’m a father of two children under 4 and have always been a kind of relaxed easy going type. In the last year or so me and my wife have been arguing more and more, I don’t want to make this one sided as I totally understand that I have my faults but I feel like I’m being treated unfairly.
I moved away from home around 15 years ago and all of my friends and family live around 3 hours away, I work full time from home and I mainly work all day then go for a run on an evening once the kids are asleep. My wife is constantly getting on my back to get me to do more things that involve others and to make friends etc, it’s well intentioned as I think she feels it’d improve my mental health but I just don’t have the confidence to do it at the moment. It’s a constant circle of “you need to get out there and do things” etc but I just have this total lack of confidence in doing it, this is by the way made worse by the fact that I have a Welsh name that English people find hard to pronounce which means I get anxious meeting people.
When my wife is in a bad mood she will constantly attack me for little things like leaving things in the wrong place in the kitchen, I am often treading on egg shells because I don’t want to do anything that will set her off on one, as I cannot say anything back without her having a meltdown, I’d rather keep the peace and agree that I’m in the wrong. I have zero confidence in talking to people such as tradesmen etc, this is because when I have arranged and spoken to them in the past and they’ve done a bad job, I get blamed for it for ages, so now she deals with them but makes it clear she’s annoyed that she has to do it.
I sometimes have low days, especially since the pandemic as I have no friends nearby to talk to I tend to go into my own world. When I have these days my wife is really unsupportive and says that i’m making things hard for her and the kids and I should get help etc, in truth I don’t think I need any professional help, I just need time and some support/understanding from her. I also feel like she talks to her friends about how much of a pain I am and turning them and their partners against me.
Just as an example of a typical situation, today a man came to fix our door, when he finished I had a look and told him it was all fine, when my wife had a look there was a small thing that he’d missed so she shouted at me to get him
Back and sort it, I was literally shaking ringing them back and just feel like I cannot do anything right at the moment.
I was just after some advice really, does it sound like I need to change and get help? At the moment I feel like I am the only one in the wrong here.
Thanks Blues.
Curtis
Player Valuation: £35m
Thank you for the empathic response and understanding. Your assessment is correct, from the scant details she divulged, she was in a turmultous and abusive relationship for two and half years. Taking that into further consideration only after my transgressions has further compounded my guilt and despair. I attempted to convey the points you suggested, about how my insecurities and self doubt played a role in my dishonesty, but she wasn't very receptive to those notions, asserting that trust has been decimated and a relationship wasn't feasible. After the initial confrontation, I even sent a brief text just reiterating how I felt atrocious violating her trust just due to my self esteem deficiencies and how I would provide her space and let her be the one to reinitiate contact. She responded with a text that had an air of finality saying she appreciated the message , mentioned I made her happy but then stated she would hope to talk to me again one day and take care. I've tried to curtail the bouts of remorse but it's just daily onslaught of anguish and self loathing that I cant quash. It's just difficult to extend myself absolution when the ramifications of my actions have been so devastating. I just miss the regular casual dialogue we had, now the days feel empty. I keep trying to occupy myself with distractions but it hasn't been effective. But once again thank you and the other posters for the thoughtful advice and support. Very encouraging stuff.
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Hi speed10. My now Ex wife tried to get me to change. She wanted me to go from the shy and quiet person I naturally am into big social occasions either with friends or family and be this confident bubbly chatty person.
But leading upto social occasions I was a nervous wreck which made me go into my shell even more.
I've learned now I won't change and nope I'm not a grumpy and miserable sod as I was labelled by her and others I'm just me and I'm comfortable sitting in the background at social occasions.
I also don't have any friends and go running by myself 3 times a week because it absolutely sorts my head out and relaxes me.
My Ex wife found my running offensive because it occasionally meant her dropping my daughter off at places like swimming lessons when she just wanted to sit watching TV with her feet up. She had absolutely no interest in exercise and made me feel guilty for doing it.
I've just accepted now I simply like my own company and
I am socially awkward I think due to me being quiet. People used to use my shyness as some kind of stick to beat me with and make me feel unwelcome as the night went on I found.
If you do want to make friends though and improve your confidence a lot of runners I speak to say running clubs are brilliant. They normally meet afew times a week. Maybe give that a try.
ForeverBlue92
Player Valuation: £80m
Sounds like you need to sit the wife down and tell her how you feel mate - it'll only get worse if you dont open up and tell her how you're feeling.
Sadly seems to be a recurring theme that as many blokes settle down with marriage/kids and become more laid back in nature in comparison from their single/youth days the women often seem to change and go from being the laid back ones to somewhat erratic in their behaviour/mood.
Been a worry of mine for years and why I never planned to settle down then accidentally knocked my now missus up lol
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
Thats funny mate but also true. NOT ALL but SOME women in todays culture are not happy with what they thought they wanted- a loving relationship, settling down, kids etc. instead SOME seem to get bored and try to emasculate their men and control them. Before i get attacked SOME women NOT ALL - many perfect women out there who are happy to love - be loved, a mother and a wife.
Forever your spot on with " tell her how you feel ".
Woolverhampton_Blue
Player Valuation: £35m
I desperately want to end things but the only means I have at the moment is nsaids which probably won’t kill me and will just leave me damaged whilst still alive and fed up. I really need to check out soon. I can’t tolerate much more of this life.
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
No mate, youve just hit rock bottom. You need help NOW
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
@Woolverhampton_Blue Is there anything any of us mate can help you with right now????? Does the wife know yet how bad youve got?What about family, friends, doctor can you talk with any of them.??? @Spotty you about?????????
As ever some really good advice on here and as ever, what is the " right answer ". Your unhappy but so is your wife. I would speak to her, and tell her how you feel. She will no doubt recipricate . Do you think together, you can work it out? If not why not go to counseling. It's important that discussions between you don't go down the screaming abuse at one another, each blaming the other. This may be hard but if it comes to it, would a separation period be doable for both of you. Your not ending your relationship just giving each other a bit of breathing space and whilst it would appear initially, a rather drastic thing to do, but it may improve your relationship. You still love each other I'm sure but you have to have some contentment Blue. Being unhappy is not sustainable, all that will happen is your mental health will start to deteriorate. Seek help and support, seek mediation and look at the options. You both deserve to have some happiness so please address the problems as there will be options to you. All the best fella and if you continue to really struggle mentally, , please DM me. Take care
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
Harryflashman
Player Valuation: £60m
Mate can I help in anyway ? Pm me , you can call me we’ll chat , meet up if I can whatever mate .
I’ve been to dark places in my past , I’m happy to talk . Is there anyone you think will listen or just message here if that helps , the fact that you’ve messaged maybe you think it does . People want to help .
Earwigjoe
Player Valuation: £10m
@Woolverhampton_Blue loads of your friends on here who want to listen and help you